how i am...
"How are you"
A question I usually disregard unless further conversation is prodded. I hear it on such a regular basis as a form of politeness, and I got so tired of trying to distinguish who was just uttering a standard obligatory greeting, and who was actually genuinely inquiring about my current state of well being.
How am I? I'm honestly a big fat mess. I'm a medical nightmare, where each day it seems I wake up with a new and different ailment, to the point where a coworker today suggested I be taken out to pasture and shot. I'm falling apart, needing a doctor, medication, possibly surgery, but my insurance is all screwed to hell. So I take hospital doses of aspirin, grin and bear it. I'ts possible the factors of me rarely if ever sleeping, and eating like a cross between a college student on their first time away from home and a goat in a garbage dump have something to do with my health issues. But shit- time restricts me against these things.
Money is an enormous issue right now as well. I have none. Actually I have negative none. Today I had to take out a cash advance from my already deep in debt credit situation to cover what money I went under in my bank account. I just keep diggin deeper and deeper. And I have so many bills- fucking bills! Doctors, dentists, credit cards, insurance, car payments, phones, school, ahhhhhh! Ive had this pair of contacts in my eyes for well over a year cuz I can't afford new ones( they're two week wear). My daughter's birthday is next month and I haven't a penny. Christmas raped me doen to my last piece of pocket fuzz- and possibly part of my soul. I need another job. Two just doesnt seem to do it. Anybody need a hooker? Man thats how desperate I am. Actually Im filling out a resume right now. Somethings gotta change. This midnight shift thang aint gonna last much longer with my baby going to kindergarden in the fall. And my boss has been promising that raise for too damn long.
And as always- I'm miserable and lonely. This whole giving up on love thing isnt as easy as it sounds. The one person I thought I could ever really love went on his own seperate way. Away.
I'm falling behind in school as well. Behind may not be your idea of behind, but to me going from a 4.0 to a 3.8 is a big fucking deal. My internet addiction may play a part in that... also possibly this infernal load of procrastination I carry at all times...
Things really arent that bad. I have a lot of shitty days, and sometimes its hard to be happy little me that everyone knows me by, and I just kinda shut down, but then I think of people that have it so much harder and I am humbled by my thoughts.
For a painful example...
There's this woman at work- she must be 60 something- who comes in at 3 or 4 in the morning when I am clocking out. First thing she does is smoke a cigarette, sigh, and say "shit shit shit"- but never without a cute little smile. She has a fake crabby attitude that everyone loves, and people refer to her as "the coffee nazi". Such an amusing lovable woman. But she's had a horrific past. When her daughter and son were 3 and 5 years old- beautiful blue eyed blonde children- her husband (an alcoholic) passed out drunk in the bathtub when she was not home. In his inebriated slumber, the house caught fire, and he awoke to flames all around. Too drunk to think, he managed to get out, leaving the kids behind. They didnt survive. If that wasn't enough, after years of struggling to get over that, she became unexpectedly pregnant again, only to have the child be born mentally retarded as a result of the medication she was on to help her with her trauma. He lived up until last year- when he died of cancer at 20 something years of age. So when I think of her and how strong of a person she must be to even be able to get out of bed every morning to face the world that dealt her such an unfair hand in life, things arent bad at all. I have my daughter. I have my future. Happiness is relevant.
So how am I?
Wonderful.
"How are you"
A question I usually disregard unless further conversation is prodded. I hear it on such a regular basis as a form of politeness, and I got so tired of trying to distinguish who was just uttering a standard obligatory greeting, and who was actually genuinely inquiring about my current state of well being.
How am I? I'm honestly a big fat mess. I'm a medical nightmare, where each day it seems I wake up with a new and different ailment, to the point where a coworker today suggested I be taken out to pasture and shot. I'm falling apart, needing a doctor, medication, possibly surgery, but my insurance is all screwed to hell. So I take hospital doses of aspirin, grin and bear it. I'ts possible the factors of me rarely if ever sleeping, and eating like a cross between a college student on their first time away from home and a goat in a garbage dump have something to do with my health issues. But shit- time restricts me against these things.
Money is an enormous issue right now as well. I have none. Actually I have negative none. Today I had to take out a cash advance from my already deep in debt credit situation to cover what money I went under in my bank account. I just keep diggin deeper and deeper. And I have so many bills- fucking bills! Doctors, dentists, credit cards, insurance, car payments, phones, school, ahhhhhh! Ive had this pair of contacts in my eyes for well over a year cuz I can't afford new ones( they're two week wear). My daughter's birthday is next month and I haven't a penny. Christmas raped me doen to my last piece of pocket fuzz- and possibly part of my soul. I need another job. Two just doesnt seem to do it. Anybody need a hooker? Man thats how desperate I am. Actually Im filling out a resume right now. Somethings gotta change. This midnight shift thang aint gonna last much longer with my baby going to kindergarden in the fall. And my boss has been promising that raise for too damn long.
And as always- I'm miserable and lonely. This whole giving up on love thing isnt as easy as it sounds. The one person I thought I could ever really love went on his own seperate way. Away.
I'm falling behind in school as well. Behind may not be your idea of behind, but to me going from a 4.0 to a 3.8 is a big fucking deal. My internet addiction may play a part in that... also possibly this infernal load of procrastination I carry at all times...
Things really arent that bad. I have a lot of shitty days, and sometimes its hard to be happy little me that everyone knows me by, and I just kinda shut down, but then I think of people that have it so much harder and I am humbled by my thoughts.
For a painful example...
There's this woman at work- she must be 60 something- who comes in at 3 or 4 in the morning when I am clocking out. First thing she does is smoke a cigarette, sigh, and say "shit shit shit"- but never without a cute little smile. She has a fake crabby attitude that everyone loves, and people refer to her as "the coffee nazi". Such an amusing lovable woman. But she's had a horrific past. When her daughter and son were 3 and 5 years old- beautiful blue eyed blonde children- her husband (an alcoholic) passed out drunk in the bathtub when she was not home. In his inebriated slumber, the house caught fire, and he awoke to flames all around. Too drunk to think, he managed to get out, leaving the kids behind. They didnt survive. If that wasn't enough, after years of struggling to get over that, she became unexpectedly pregnant again, only to have the child be born mentally retarded as a result of the medication she was on to help her with her trauma. He lived up until last year- when he died of cancer at 20 something years of age. So when I think of her and how strong of a person she must be to even be able to get out of bed every morning to face the world that dealt her such an unfair hand in life, things arent bad at all. I have my daughter. I have my future. Happiness is relevant.
So how am I?
Wonderful.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Anyway, it's 5am and I know this isn't making a damn bit of sense, but I guess what I'm getting at is that if you want your life to get better, you need a plan. You have to assess your situation and design guidelines to follow in order to get out of the downward spiral you have described.
Just remember, you aren't the only one that is going through it, but you don't want to be there very long. It's easier to stand up while you are still on your feet than it is after you've crashed face first into the dirt.
Don't ever give up. I have fought for every single thing I've ever accomplished in my life. No lies or exaggeration. Fight fight fight. This might sound bad, but it is reality for me: it will never get better, but you will learn to take it easier and deal with it quicker.
I don't have any advice on love. Love is too painful to add to the load I already have on my shoulders. I can't trust my decisions about women anyway. The ones I like are the ones that are bad for me.
Anyway, you look like a cutie. You shouldn't have any problems finding guys. Finding the right one is the problem. Just don't get hurt by the wrong one while you are trying to find Mr. Right. To be blunt, don't get pregnant!
Wow....I need to stop....now my brain is going nuts.