Tonight I have been left alone with my thoughts. I have to admit that it is probably a good thing. I have several things weighing so heavy on my mind. First things first.
My father..I have a decision to make and it isn't an easy one. I can let the last memory I have of my dad (hugging and saying he loves me) be the last memory or I can go see him at his worst. Now the selfish side of me says..just don't go and keep that happy memory as your last. I know this isn't fair to my family. My brother Danny (who isn't my even my dad's biological kid) spends more time with him than I or my actual brother have thought about. This isn't fair to him or my step mom or little brother. They have had to watch my dad decline and haven't complained. So half of me wants to keep my memory, and the other half wants to do what is right with my family. I am torn.
Now the second item...why do i push people away? I have someone who is so damn close to me and I swear I am doing well to push her as far away as possible. She cares about me and has tried to support me and all I can do is drink myself retarded and treat her like she doesn't matter. Now I have been doing this with all of my friends lately..pushing them away..I just don't know how to process the emotions I feel right now. I feel confused and lost. I feel like I have made too many mistakes to correct and have too many decisions to make. She gets the worst of it though...she is the one I take it out on...and then she is the one to listen to me cry about everything until I fall asleep. Then she listens to me sleep just to make sure I am resting. Now I know I have others (friends) that would do the same...but for some reason she is so easy to tell my secrets to. She listens to me and really cares about what I am saying. Why do I push her and my other friends away? Why can't I just talk this out? Why am I ruining something so great?
My heart is breaking right now on so many levels. My best friend can't even help. I am having a hard time working through so many of the things in my mind. I can't even describe the thoughts or process them correctly. It's like my thoughts and emotions are fireflies in a jar...they just keep flying around and bumping up against the side. They are all jumbled up and some of them just fall to the bottom...no more life left in them but they still glow. They are like chaos. Just pure chaos. The only thing that makes me feel better is to not think about things (anything), or cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I put on my happy face for the world and I pretend I have it all worked out...you know what??? I'm not happy and I don't have it figured out.
So..I am sorry if I haven't been myself. I don't mean to be an asshole and I'm not trying to avoid you. I am not trying to push anyone away. I just need something right now and I can't figure out what it is. I am doing my best right now.
**For my honey**
Bunny..I love you so much..more than I can set to words. I know I have been drinking too much and I know it makes me an asshole. I am not trying to push you away..I just don't know how to act right now. I'm lost and confused. Baby you make me so happy and I know we will be together and things will be much easier because comfort will be just a hug away. Baby I had no right to act the way I did last night and I am truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me and just give me time to work things out. For the first time in my life I feel loved...and I am trying so hard to not make a mess of this.
My father..I have a decision to make and it isn't an easy one. I can let the last memory I have of my dad (hugging and saying he loves me) be the last memory or I can go see him at his worst. Now the selfish side of me says..just don't go and keep that happy memory as your last. I know this isn't fair to my family. My brother Danny (who isn't my even my dad's biological kid) spends more time with him than I or my actual brother have thought about. This isn't fair to him or my step mom or little brother. They have had to watch my dad decline and haven't complained. So half of me wants to keep my memory, and the other half wants to do what is right with my family. I am torn.
Now the second item...why do i push people away? I have someone who is so damn close to me and I swear I am doing well to push her as far away as possible. She cares about me and has tried to support me and all I can do is drink myself retarded and treat her like she doesn't matter. Now I have been doing this with all of my friends lately..pushing them away..I just don't know how to process the emotions I feel right now. I feel confused and lost. I feel like I have made too many mistakes to correct and have too many decisions to make. She gets the worst of it though...she is the one I take it out on...and then she is the one to listen to me cry about everything until I fall asleep. Then she listens to me sleep just to make sure I am resting. Now I know I have others (friends) that would do the same...but for some reason she is so easy to tell my secrets to. She listens to me and really cares about what I am saying. Why do I push her and my other friends away? Why can't I just talk this out? Why am I ruining something so great?
My heart is breaking right now on so many levels. My best friend can't even help. I am having a hard time working through so many of the things in my mind. I can't even describe the thoughts or process them correctly. It's like my thoughts and emotions are fireflies in a jar...they just keep flying around and bumping up against the side. They are all jumbled up and some of them just fall to the bottom...no more life left in them but they still glow. They are like chaos. Just pure chaos. The only thing that makes me feel better is to not think about things (anything), or cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. I put on my happy face for the world and I pretend I have it all worked out...you know what??? I'm not happy and I don't have it figured out.
So..I am sorry if I haven't been myself. I don't mean to be an asshole and I'm not trying to avoid you. I am not trying to push anyone away. I just need something right now and I can't figure out what it is. I am doing my best right now.
**For my honey**
Bunny..I love you so much..more than I can set to words. I know I have been drinking too much and I know it makes me an asshole. I am not trying to push you away..I just don't know how to act right now. I'm lost and confused. Baby you make me so happy and I know we will be together and things will be much easier because comfort will be just a hug away. Baby I had no right to act the way I did last night and I am truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me and just give me time to work things out. For the first time in my life I feel loved...and I am trying so hard to not make a mess of this.
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Brandon.
B.