vitadeam

What do I understand about relationships? Everyone has to go half way to be together. This is absolutely obvious in theory and difficult in practice.

Of course, there are relationships with a preponderance towards one partner, and this suits the second, but a special case. I want to talk about healthy relationships (friends, romantic or family).

Why do many relationships end at the beginning? Because one or both partners are afraid or do not know how to invest in relationships. Now I understand very clearly that no one is a psychic. The other person can't know what's in my head. And may misunderstand my actions. I don't know what's in the other person's head, and I can't speculate why the person did it or not. Previously, my response to actions that I don’t understand or that I don’t like was to turn on the “proud narcissist” mode and not react at all, let the person guess what he / she did wrong and deserve forgiveness. Of course, the relationship ended there. Now I understand that I should talk about my feelings, ask specific questions and hear the answer, and not invent in my head. People don't always do things we don't like to hurt us. Sometimes people do something because they can't read minds and don't realize that they are doing something unpleasant for another person.

And here it is important not to start investing too much in the relationship, otherwise you will end up with a popular toxic relationship scenario. Let me explain with an investment example. For example, you have a business. Initially, the idea seemed very interesting, but it required investments (money, time, emotions). You invest all these investments, but the business does not flourish, but on the contrary, small details appear that also need to be invested in. You invest your resource hoping that your business will start working. But new problems appear that also require investment, and you invest again. It becomes clear that most likely the business will not become successful, but you have already invested so much money, time and emotions in it that you want to get at least something or invest even more resources so that the business will definitely become successful. This is exactly what happens in a relationship in which one partner invests more emotion. At first it seems that your partner is also doing something: he says that he values your relationship or friendship, but the more you invest, the more your partner relaxes, becomes impudent and demands, and you cannot end this relationship, because there is a lot in it invested and want to get your investment back. Or when your partner abruptly dumps you and you have no way to get your investment back. You feel like you've been robbed, used. You invested and got dumped. There remains an open gestalt that prevents building new relationships. Fear of repetition. Trying to find a partner like your ex (to sort of get your investment back). Thoughts about the past and fantasies to return broken relationships. I write more on the example of romantic relationships, but it also works with friendships and family relationships. Everyone must do 50% of the total work at each stage of the relationship. If there is an advantage in one direction, this is not a healthy relationship.

I have determined for myself the limit of steps that I am ready to take for free to meet another person. But if this person does not meet me, I end the relationship.

Sometimes we feel like we have to be with someone. That someone will make you whole, happy, cheerful, self-confident. But only you can make yourself that way. Only a person who is whole and in harmony with himself is able to build healthy communication with other people. If someone does not go to meet you, you will never force him to do it, because this person does not want, cannot, does not know how, or has not matured enough. There are a lot of people around, there will definitely be someone who will appreciate you❤️