Ode: Here is an Ode to all of the men in my life IN ORDER who have made some sort of impact on me... if you are included in this blog, feel lucky that I decided to write about you...all the men in this blog involve, love, relationships, sex, or dating. You all have wonderful qualities or I wouldn't have given you the time in the first place, but to write out everything I hate and love specifically to you, is such a wonderful healing from all the pain you've caused me and all the joy I have lost from losing you. Things may change, feelings may be tolerated differently, but the love that was there, is always there, and the hate or dislike that was developed might still be there, but it all doesn't matter. It's life, and it's a beautiful thing.
So grab a spoon and slurp it up.
Remember this: If I could take all the good parts of you and make one person you would be the definition of heaven. Thank you all for making me the person I am today. Happy... complete, and succesful. I could not claim these adjectives till now. So thank you.
T.S.W.- My first love. My truest love. My longest standing love. Thank you for setting a good example that somehow didn't follow suit with any future loves or prospects. You are a part of a story that is beautiful and I thank you for that! I have never dated or loved anyone, truer than you. Some loves proceeding you were more passionate, were more dramatic, but you were by far the truest. We were also the youngest, but it was a lovely time. I am so happy that you have found love and marriage and baby! It makes me so happy that you are so happy, and I can only hope to find someone as amazing as you were.
J.R.- You were such a dear part of my life, from chasing me around the church and taking off my glasses in Jr high to see what I look like, you are the reason why I got contacts...to doing a play and kissing you for the first time after many years of dreaming of such. The love letters from Germany while you were gone.... introducing me to falling in love with the idea of sex. I can't believe our first time having sex was on my mom's bed, totally wasted after so many years of talking about it...but whatever... no story ends better with me trying to get ahold of you 10 years later and you being married and wanting to see you, and the one attempt I make to see you.. you assume we're gonna have an affair.... haha! OH how I tore you a new asshole and lectured on how sacred marriage was. I was so proud of myself for denying you, regardless of any lingering feelings I still have for you. I guess I respect your marriage more than you do. Such a disappointment, I loved being your friend. I guess all you can think of is sex when you hear my name. That's a good legacy. too bad we never had any good sex, you were much better in my head.
J.N.S. - Wow. um. one of the great loves of my life. Beautiful tragic story that ultimately ended in me posing for suicide girls to prove to myself that I was beautiful naked. I have experienced by far some of the most romantic moments of my life with you. I think even though I was never what you wanted ultimately, we had moments of bliss... moments of heartache... whatever, even though I would never date you again, i will always love the good parts of you. you have many wonderful amazing qualities that I look for in men all the time. unfortunately i also find a common denominator of things that didn't work with you and I in so many men I dated ahead of you. You were the starting point for a list of psuedo replicas that followed that were so much worse than anything you ever did to me. Oh well, coming from the standpoint of an emotional masochist you were one of my favorites. The stuff movies are made from. I hope you find your greatest love.
K.L.- You are a compulsive liar. Seriously. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a total lie, and you still owe me $500 for designing you a logo and a letterhead. You really need your head checked. seriously, you're fucked up..
J.-Being 19 and Dating my boss was one of the worst ideas ever. YOu were scandalous and I can't believe you have like 5 illigitmate children. You still go down in history as the only guy I have ever cut relations off with a face to face encounter. Even though you're kind of a jackass, it still hurt me to hurt you even if we had only been dating for 2 weeks. I have fond memories of doing drugs with you and you yelling at me for being two minutes late for work, to over compensate for the fact you hired me to date me. You are a schmuck but entertaining to be around when I see you lately. 6 years ago was a long time, I'm sure you're more grown up now. I just hope your paying child support and being responsible.
R.- You were way too young for me. I can't believe you were 16 when I was 19, and even though our relationship was a short one. YOu're included in this list because we had a pretty good bond. We still have it a bit. I can feel it when I see you. You have a thing for older ladies don't you... your lady now is what 10 years older? damn! Mrs. Robinson is your game. Love love!
B.C.- I'm so sad you are crazy. Seriously, I feel lucky to have lived with you for 1.5 years to enjoy possibly the only moments in your life that you weren't schizophrenic. You helped me develop a sense of not ever wanting to be co-dependent on anyone ever again. TO not deal with people who have huge problems. You seriously need help. I'm scared for you. You talk to yourself, and I fear for your future. If you end up homeless I won't lend you my couch but I will call your parents for you and tell them what they don't know, that your totally off your rocker crazy. Oh and sorry about the little comment I made about you in the SG dvd. You poor poor thing. DOn't worry no one knows I was talking about you, not that you would even be sane enough to care.
R. I met you in college, you were in one of my best friends bands. We only dated fo a week but our "dating" developed into a friendship of 6 years. You came to thanksgiving with me this year, because I consider you family. There are things about you that are so honest, lovely, and amazing that I want you to be a part of my life always. I compare the ideal mate for myself to have many of your qualities. You are amazingly talented musically and artistically and I want nothing but beautiful things for you. My fondest first memories are making doodles together in art history. I love you, always. Please stay in my life always.
B.W. Wow, I have never hated anyone and have loved anyone more than I hate/love you. Y'know they say hate is very close to love and it's true. I still and always feel passionate emotions for you whether they be love or hate. It's borderline unhealthy. Our whole relationship was unhealthy. My obsession with you, is always there. Still 4 years later. I mean not to the point of me being sad, or crying, or whatever. But I still have dreams about you, and I still miss you. The missing you part, never stopped. I can say honestly about every other love I have had, all the missing stopped. With you, I will always miss you. I just don't really act on it I loved the way that we had a very intense connection, and a wonderful friendship, but yet you were always out of my reach. I hate that you cannot stay friends with someone after a relationship when you have a girlfriend. It's lame. She's lame. She's fat and stupid and everyone hates her, and I don't even know her so I shouldn't be saying these things, but I will say this. You can do better. You have done better. And I can't believe you have been with her this long. I pray that you don't get married to her. I don't care if it will make you happy... I would rather you die alone and sad, than marry that stupid girl.. I'm so jealous that someone that lame landed you. It makes me feel like the lamest person ever. Maybe this just confirms you have terrible taste in women and that's why you didn't love me. Good riddance. I still miss you though. I miss your humor the most.
K.E.G- You are fucking retarded. Seriously. The longer I am away from you, the more I hate everything you stand for. Your pretentious, heartless, and gave me the worst break up of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for a month, because you didn't let me down easily, you broke up with me before Valentine's day, right before my birthday, right before our 1 year anniversary, right after i helped you move. You have not been a friend, you have been my worst enemy. Heartless, emotionless, and I hope you die a miserable, painful death. Ihope a million women break your hearts into a billion pieces and you end up the ugliest, fattest, most retarded person on earth. With no friends. I do thank you for bringing out the worst in me to make me realize what I needed to change to be a better person. After you gave me one of the worst breakups of my life (mind you our relationship was not the worst, but was boring and did not bring out my best self) I had the best year of my life the year after, and would not be the happy person that I am had I not gone through the hell I went through after you left me. So even though You suck, and I hope you die. Thank you.
S.G. (aka. C) I can't believe you moved in after only knowing you for a a couple of weeks. I"m sorry that I hurt you, when I kicked you out, but I really like living alone and I didn't like the tools strewn all over my floor. You were surprisingly an amazing lover even though you are totally gay. Don't lie to me and tell me that your not gay, You are a flaming homosexual and you know it. I caught youmaking out with boys, You re-decorated my bathroom within 24 hours of living with me. YOu cleaned my whole house and cooked for me... Why did I kick you out again? Probably because you drank too much. Oh and you're gay. Once you come to terms with this I know you'll be very happy!
You are so sweet and adorable, just like a cupcake!
J.- You are amazing. Last xmas was so fun! I'm happy your getting your shit together, and you ahve a nice girlfriend to help you. We have had such a lovely friendship and romantic kinship for so long that you have all the potential in the world to be a wonderful match for me. So if you ever find yourself breaking up with your lady...or vice versus... I know we would be wonderful together...oh and pS, get OUT of Vegas!. In the meantime, I'm happy your happy, and I love your art skills. YOu are so inspiring!
J.G.- You were fun. I love how you had a conversation with me about how you thought you'd never find love, and you'd never get married and look one year later you've found her, now your tying the knot and I'm so happy for you! Even though i don't see you often thank you for being a good friend, and I wish you all the happiness, and babies in the future!
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R.M. I have been friends with you for way too long. It's cool though, you have always been one of my best friends, since I was 19. And I love you. I will totally marry you when I'm 30, if we're both still single, and we can make babies if you want. But since you are just as much of a vixen as me, I doubt this will happen. Thank you for all the lovely times. Stick around please I want another 7 years of friendship, crushing, and annual relations.
D.H.- You are one of my favorite boys in the world! I should say men, you are definitely not a boy anymore, but you are so young at heart. We've had our minor dramas in the past, but for the most part you have been a wonderful, lovely, amazing friend, and I adore you. You inspire me artistically and party-ly. I have never wanted to make art and party more than when I am in your presence. You always have an ear to lend, and advice to give, and I just think you are a wonderful soul.
V.- You were a trip. I think a good one, kind of...kind of not. Except for the part where you dropped me on my head and crashed my car. I look back and laugh at all of this now. We went on adventures, they were fun. For the most part when I think of you, I think mostly good things. I'm happy we aren't dating anymore, but when I haven't seen you in months, I love how I can see you out with a girl making out drunken in a back corner and then you to come over and molest me for 10 seconds in front of her, it makes me feel special, and it makes you look like a pimp. Thank you for giving me love even when you are trying to entertain the drunk ho's that everyone was making fun of. Love love!
M.L.G- You were one of the best boyfriends, and one of the worst. Actually looking back at all these jackasses you really weren't "that" bad. I have a greater appreciation for you now than ever before. But have become one of my favorite friends in the world. Even though I am not in love with you anymore, I do love you always. You are my dream boy in so many ways. you changed me in ways that no one ever has. You inspired me artistically, you made me want to be with someone who has so many of your wonderful qualities, but here are the things you lacked that I would want in someone else...true happiness, stability, truthfulness, (you have the honesty down pat), education,devotion, and better social graces...and longevity in the passion of wanting to be with me. I want you to be happy and I support you in everything you do, and I'm so happy that no matter what little pitfalls we have as friends I know we will always be friends...and I'm so happy to have you be a part of my life as a friend.
A.-- You have the same last name as another ex, and the same astrological sign. You both remind me of each other. Weird. Our debates about how you think astrology is a crock of shit, and conspiracy theories ruin the democratic arguments validity with conservative right wingists, turns me on. You're accomplishments and financial prowess turns me on. We had a very arousing relationship. I love the fact that we humped on a yoga ball once. That was hot me making you chase me around the house...and what not. You are a great friend. I'm happy you found a new nice lady who is more your style. I can honestly say you were one of the best F w/B relationships ever. It's cause there were never more feelings there than justa a really nice friendship.
D.T.J.- You're hot, sweet, romantic, and I can't believe our crush of a year long and 10 dates later, and cuddling in bed, has lead to nothing but a peck on the lips. The innocence of our relationship and the wonderful dates you have taken me on make you such a great addition to my life. Now let's make out already!
C.B.- I know you aren't ready to be serious with me. You're way too young for me. Nor do I feel like I"m ready to be serious with someone who is in the newest years of being an adult. The changes that go from 21-26 are basically this whole entire list minus 5 people. Huge life changes. You are very sweet. I love how close I feel to you when we snuggle and when you open up to me. I can see the man you'll be in five years, and I like what i see. I however am sad those five years are not now, cause you in five years is the man that I would need right now to make anything of substance. I do love the sweet things you do, but I will never "really like you" until you make me a much bigger part of your life. I love your cuddling skills. You're sweet and innocent to the world and I adore many wonderful things about you.
The list is to be continued...and I will say that to see it all out there written for review, makes me feel so happy and complete. You are all a part of me now.
So grab a spoon and slurp it up.
Remember this: If I could take all the good parts of you and make one person you would be the definition of heaven. Thank you all for making me the person I am today. Happy... complete, and succesful. I could not claim these adjectives till now. So thank you.
T.S.W.- My first love. My truest love. My longest standing love. Thank you for setting a good example that somehow didn't follow suit with any future loves or prospects. You are a part of a story that is beautiful and I thank you for that! I have never dated or loved anyone, truer than you. Some loves proceeding you were more passionate, were more dramatic, but you were by far the truest. We were also the youngest, but it was a lovely time. I am so happy that you have found love and marriage and baby! It makes me so happy that you are so happy, and I can only hope to find someone as amazing as you were.
J.R.- You were such a dear part of my life, from chasing me around the church and taking off my glasses in Jr high to see what I look like, you are the reason why I got contacts...to doing a play and kissing you for the first time after many years of dreaming of such. The love letters from Germany while you were gone.... introducing me to falling in love with the idea of sex. I can't believe our first time having sex was on my mom's bed, totally wasted after so many years of talking about it...but whatever... no story ends better with me trying to get ahold of you 10 years later and you being married and wanting to see you, and the one attempt I make to see you.. you assume we're gonna have an affair.... haha! OH how I tore you a new asshole and lectured on how sacred marriage was. I was so proud of myself for denying you, regardless of any lingering feelings I still have for you. I guess I respect your marriage more than you do. Such a disappointment, I loved being your friend. I guess all you can think of is sex when you hear my name. That's a good legacy. too bad we never had any good sex, you were much better in my head.
J.N.S. - Wow. um. one of the great loves of my life. Beautiful tragic story that ultimately ended in me posing for suicide girls to prove to myself that I was beautiful naked. I have experienced by far some of the most romantic moments of my life with you. I think even though I was never what you wanted ultimately, we had moments of bliss... moments of heartache... whatever, even though I would never date you again, i will always love the good parts of you. you have many wonderful amazing qualities that I look for in men all the time. unfortunately i also find a common denominator of things that didn't work with you and I in so many men I dated ahead of you. You were the starting point for a list of psuedo replicas that followed that were so much worse than anything you ever did to me. Oh well, coming from the standpoint of an emotional masochist you were one of my favorites. The stuff movies are made from. I hope you find your greatest love.
K.L.- You are a compulsive liar. Seriously. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a total lie, and you still owe me $500 for designing you a logo and a letterhead. You really need your head checked. seriously, you're fucked up..
J.-Being 19 and Dating my boss was one of the worst ideas ever. YOu were scandalous and I can't believe you have like 5 illigitmate children. You still go down in history as the only guy I have ever cut relations off with a face to face encounter. Even though you're kind of a jackass, it still hurt me to hurt you even if we had only been dating for 2 weeks. I have fond memories of doing drugs with you and you yelling at me for being two minutes late for work, to over compensate for the fact you hired me to date me. You are a schmuck but entertaining to be around when I see you lately. 6 years ago was a long time, I'm sure you're more grown up now. I just hope your paying child support and being responsible.
R.- You were way too young for me. I can't believe you were 16 when I was 19, and even though our relationship was a short one. YOu're included in this list because we had a pretty good bond. We still have it a bit. I can feel it when I see you. You have a thing for older ladies don't you... your lady now is what 10 years older? damn! Mrs. Robinson is your game. Love love!
B.C.- I'm so sad you are crazy. Seriously, I feel lucky to have lived with you for 1.5 years to enjoy possibly the only moments in your life that you weren't schizophrenic. You helped me develop a sense of not ever wanting to be co-dependent on anyone ever again. TO not deal with people who have huge problems. You seriously need help. I'm scared for you. You talk to yourself, and I fear for your future. If you end up homeless I won't lend you my couch but I will call your parents for you and tell them what they don't know, that your totally off your rocker crazy. Oh and sorry about the little comment I made about you in the SG dvd. You poor poor thing. DOn't worry no one knows I was talking about you, not that you would even be sane enough to care.
R. I met you in college, you were in one of my best friends bands. We only dated fo a week but our "dating" developed into a friendship of 6 years. You came to thanksgiving with me this year, because I consider you family. There are things about you that are so honest, lovely, and amazing that I want you to be a part of my life always. I compare the ideal mate for myself to have many of your qualities. You are amazingly talented musically and artistically and I want nothing but beautiful things for you. My fondest first memories are making doodles together in art history. I love you, always. Please stay in my life always.
B.W. Wow, I have never hated anyone and have loved anyone more than I hate/love you. Y'know they say hate is very close to love and it's true. I still and always feel passionate emotions for you whether they be love or hate. It's borderline unhealthy. Our whole relationship was unhealthy. My obsession with you, is always there. Still 4 years later. I mean not to the point of me being sad, or crying, or whatever. But I still have dreams about you, and I still miss you. The missing you part, never stopped. I can say honestly about every other love I have had, all the missing stopped. With you, I will always miss you. I just don't really act on it I loved the way that we had a very intense connection, and a wonderful friendship, but yet you were always out of my reach. I hate that you cannot stay friends with someone after a relationship when you have a girlfriend. It's lame. She's lame. She's fat and stupid and everyone hates her, and I don't even know her so I shouldn't be saying these things, but I will say this. You can do better. You have done better. And I can't believe you have been with her this long. I pray that you don't get married to her. I don't care if it will make you happy... I would rather you die alone and sad, than marry that stupid girl.. I'm so jealous that someone that lame landed you. It makes me feel like the lamest person ever. Maybe this just confirms you have terrible taste in women and that's why you didn't love me. Good riddance. I still miss you though. I miss your humor the most.
K.E.G- You are fucking retarded. Seriously. The longer I am away from you, the more I hate everything you stand for. Your pretentious, heartless, and gave me the worst break up of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for a month, because you didn't let me down easily, you broke up with me before Valentine's day, right before my birthday, right before our 1 year anniversary, right after i helped you move. You have not been a friend, you have been my worst enemy. Heartless, emotionless, and I hope you die a miserable, painful death. Ihope a million women break your hearts into a billion pieces and you end up the ugliest, fattest, most retarded person on earth. With no friends. I do thank you for bringing out the worst in me to make me realize what I needed to change to be a better person. After you gave me one of the worst breakups of my life (mind you our relationship was not the worst, but was boring and did not bring out my best self) I had the best year of my life the year after, and would not be the happy person that I am had I not gone through the hell I went through after you left me. So even though You suck, and I hope you die. Thank you.
S.G. (aka. C) I can't believe you moved in after only knowing you for a a couple of weeks. I"m sorry that I hurt you, when I kicked you out, but I really like living alone and I didn't like the tools strewn all over my floor. You were surprisingly an amazing lover even though you are totally gay. Don't lie to me and tell me that your not gay, You are a flaming homosexual and you know it. I caught youmaking out with boys, You re-decorated my bathroom within 24 hours of living with me. YOu cleaned my whole house and cooked for me... Why did I kick you out again? Probably because you drank too much. Oh and you're gay. Once you come to terms with this I know you'll be very happy!
You are so sweet and adorable, just like a cupcake!
J.- You are amazing. Last xmas was so fun! I'm happy your getting your shit together, and you ahve a nice girlfriend to help you. We have had such a lovely friendship and romantic kinship for so long that you have all the potential in the world to be a wonderful match for me. So if you ever find yourself breaking up with your lady...or vice versus... I know we would be wonderful together...oh and pS, get OUT of Vegas!. In the meantime, I'm happy your happy, and I love your art skills. YOu are so inspiring!
J.G.- You were fun. I love how you had a conversation with me about how you thought you'd never find love, and you'd never get married and look one year later you've found her, now your tying the knot and I'm so happy for you! Even though i don't see you often thank you for being a good friend, and I wish you all the happiness, and babies in the future!
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R.M. I have been friends with you for way too long. It's cool though, you have always been one of my best friends, since I was 19. And I love you. I will totally marry you when I'm 30, if we're both still single, and we can make babies if you want. But since you are just as much of a vixen as me, I doubt this will happen. Thank you for all the lovely times. Stick around please I want another 7 years of friendship, crushing, and annual relations.
D.H.- You are one of my favorite boys in the world! I should say men, you are definitely not a boy anymore, but you are so young at heart. We've had our minor dramas in the past, but for the most part you have been a wonderful, lovely, amazing friend, and I adore you. You inspire me artistically and party-ly. I have never wanted to make art and party more than when I am in your presence. You always have an ear to lend, and advice to give, and I just think you are a wonderful soul.
V.- You were a trip. I think a good one, kind of...kind of not. Except for the part where you dropped me on my head and crashed my car. I look back and laugh at all of this now. We went on adventures, they were fun. For the most part when I think of you, I think mostly good things. I'm happy we aren't dating anymore, but when I haven't seen you in months, I love how I can see you out with a girl making out drunken in a back corner and then you to come over and molest me for 10 seconds in front of her, it makes me feel special, and it makes you look like a pimp. Thank you for giving me love even when you are trying to entertain the drunk ho's that everyone was making fun of. Love love!
M.L.G- You were one of the best boyfriends, and one of the worst. Actually looking back at all these jackasses you really weren't "that" bad. I have a greater appreciation for you now than ever before. But have become one of my favorite friends in the world. Even though I am not in love with you anymore, I do love you always. You are my dream boy in so many ways. you changed me in ways that no one ever has. You inspired me artistically, you made me want to be with someone who has so many of your wonderful qualities, but here are the things you lacked that I would want in someone else...true happiness, stability, truthfulness, (you have the honesty down pat), education,devotion, and better social graces...and longevity in the passion of wanting to be with me. I want you to be happy and I support you in everything you do, and I'm so happy that no matter what little pitfalls we have as friends I know we will always be friends...and I'm so happy to have you be a part of my life as a friend.
A.-- You have the same last name as another ex, and the same astrological sign. You both remind me of each other. Weird. Our debates about how you think astrology is a crock of shit, and conspiracy theories ruin the democratic arguments validity with conservative right wingists, turns me on. You're accomplishments and financial prowess turns me on. We had a very arousing relationship. I love the fact that we humped on a yoga ball once. That was hot me making you chase me around the house...and what not. You are a great friend. I'm happy you found a new nice lady who is more your style. I can honestly say you were one of the best F w/B relationships ever. It's cause there were never more feelings there than justa a really nice friendship.
D.T.J.- You're hot, sweet, romantic, and I can't believe our crush of a year long and 10 dates later, and cuddling in bed, has lead to nothing but a peck on the lips. The innocence of our relationship and the wonderful dates you have taken me on make you such a great addition to my life. Now let's make out already!
C.B.- I know you aren't ready to be serious with me. You're way too young for me. Nor do I feel like I"m ready to be serious with someone who is in the newest years of being an adult. The changes that go from 21-26 are basically this whole entire list minus 5 people. Huge life changes. You are very sweet. I love how close I feel to you when we snuggle and when you open up to me. I can see the man you'll be in five years, and I like what i see. I however am sad those five years are not now, cause you in five years is the man that I would need right now to make anything of substance. I do love the sweet things you do, but I will never "really like you" until you make me a much bigger part of your life. I love your cuddling skills. You're sweet and innocent to the world and I adore many wonderful things about you.
The list is to be continued...and I will say that to see it all out there written for review, makes me feel so happy and complete. You are all a part of me now.
xox