violet

I am dating a boy who thinks I am looking for love.

I don't think he is wrong, but he definitely isn't seeing the whole picture.

In general it makes sense in human nature to want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally. It would be nice if someday someone found themself with me in a mutal loving relationship but no, its not neccessarily what i'm looking for at this moment.

It is true, that I would like to have this love in the future because even though I can't see myself living with anyone, I would like to have a family someday.

The truth about love, is that it's not something that can be found... It's is just one of those things thathappens. You can't create it, you can't wish for it, you can't try to change people or make them love you, I can't just create love for someone who I don't know well enough,

If it happens it happens, but if I went around looking for it, as I have in the past, I would definitely and have definitely found the exact opposite of anything like that. I do believe though that I deserve love and it will happen someday, and if I look for it, it will never happen.

Through my journies of relationships with all the wrong people, I have spent the last year alone and have discovered the best kind of love, self love.

This has made me happier than any boy has ever made me.. I have since been confused to what any one "guy" could ever do for me that I am not currently for myself. This is an empowering and wonderful place to be, because it naturally makes me indifferent to finding love.

The biggest missing links in this picture are, sex and cuddling. And of course it is hard to be romantic by oneself. Which is where dating people becomes handy. However, I did come to a place in my life where I examined the fact that I might always be alone in the long term, and that I better be happy with who I am because I can't rely on anyone to be there for me in the future. People die, people cheat, the truth is we die alone, and regardless of what love comes in or out of my life, I am the only consistent person in this picture from beginning to end.

I have this theory that if you are looking for love you will take a person who may appear to kind of fit what your looking for and make them fit the criteria because you want love to happen. But if you are not looking for love and you are content in your life without it,, then someone so amazing has to come along and change your mind about wanting it.

I am not looking for love, and I have not met anyone who has changed my mind about wanting it. I have had the current boy change my mind about what the criteria would be though.

This reminds me of an experience I had while house shopping... I decided I wanted to start shopping for a house earlier this year, and i found this perfect, beautiful big porched house with a nice back yard, and I instantly fell in love with everything this house was, it fit all the criteria i was looking fo

Unfortunately there were a couple of bumps along the way, 1.) it was too far east, and 2.) I wasn't ready to buy a house yet. What made me so happy about this house was that I had been looking and shopping and knowing that I wanted to buy a house someday, but never really knew what would make me happy in a house, since I hadn't seen it yet. And when I did, I instantly identified that the criteria of that house was the best house I could hope for.

I knew that even though that wasn't going to be the house I was going to move into, given it was the right time it could have been. The important thing is, is I realized what I wanted, and what I want is a big two story house from the early 1900-1920's with a big porch and a big back yard.

It almost doesn't matter what happens with moving into a house or not from this point, just as long as I end up moving into a house in the future that fufills those characteristics for me is what will make me happy with a house. I got this feeling when I saw this house that made me know it was exactly what I want, but even though I didn't buy that house, I am not sad, and am not fearing that I won't ever find something just as great in the future. I know I deserve to live in a house that would be exactly what I want.

This is how I feel with this current boy. He has totally raised the standards of what I want in my life, and whether it be with him or with someone else--- it doesn't really matter. What matters is, he has come into my life and gave me insight to finally being able to indentify the type of person I would want to be with. This is hopeful becauses I believe that this will prevent me from dating assholes in the future.

These characteristics of the person I would want to be with are mutual adoration, sweetness, the ability to be genuine, honest, giving, paassionate, creative, entrepreneurial, independent, humor etc. the list goes on and one.. I also realized other things after a long discussion with the boy about this subject:

I discovered that:

1.) he recognizes that I deserve someone who will give me exactly what I want, which say a lot about him as a person.

2.) that he cares about me enough to want me to have those things, and is concerned about whether or not he will/can/or want to give them to me either now or in the future, which is also commendable.

3.) a reassurance of how important it is that I keep on the path I am going of doing my own thing, in my own place, and focusing on my career and myself, (which is also what he doing) and making sure nor him or I detract from either of us interfering with the process of growing as individual people before we can even think about growing together beyond the scope of where we currently are..

We have had moments of digression, because we have been giddy and having a great time getting to know each other... the good news is we recognize what we need to be happy and we are working on not repeating the same patterns of our typical "monotonous codependent situations that keep us stagnant in the past".

THe nice part of talking about these things like we did today is we are figuring out ways to not digress further...and not take away the things we need to do to be completely happy for ourselves.

Yes, I am a romantic person who loves to fantasize about romantic things.... yes I love to think about what could be in the future...yes i love to imagine being romantic with him and what might happen in the future, but that is because I would not be dating him if I couldn't see anything in the future.


For me, if I felt like there was no possibility of growing and progressing in the future, would kill all the fun of getting to know him. I mean who would want to date and get to know someone that they Know they would want nothing to grow to in the future? that would be stupid. I love enjoying his company and getting to know him. And I hope that we can continue what we have been doing, I hope that if he ever gets to a point in this getting-to-know-each-other process he feels like he can't see us growing together or progressing that he does end things with me.

I really don't know specifically what his hopes are for me currently, but I think he is doing the same thing I'm doing which is enjoying each others company and getting to know each other with no expectations of anything but enjoyment in the present. If I need more in the future, i will tell him. I hope he will do the same for me.

I can handle it. I can handle it so much more than someone who takes and takes and takes.

If we don't progress or grow together in the future, obviously it wasn't meant to be, I don't really mind either way. But the important part is, not what actually happens in the future, but is recognizing in the present if something feels wrong, or isn't progressing to not drag it on just for the sake of wanting a companion.

I do hope that whatever does happen that we both end up pursuing the right things.. I do care about him and I hope that he finds inner peace, and the contentment I have found in my single life...

in turn we are both doing exactly what we should be doing,

whatever that may be.