Suicide Girls came into my life when I was going through a very difficult time: ending my marriage, losing a new love, trying to figure out who I was. I met some great people on this site, some of who helped me get through the toughest times. I moved on out of my rough spot and didn't need the site quite as much, was too busy and just generally inactive.
Life comes full circle. Here I am on a Saturday night, drinking frangelico and soy millk, listening to bauhaus and the dropkick murphy's and venting about the trials and tribulations of my love life.
I am in relatively new relationship now, 2 1/2 years and over the past few weeks have come to realize that I am having some of the same feelings I had when I decided to end my marriage. Am I just a quitter in general, is something wrong with me, did I settle, did I move to quickly and why am I so insecure about everything anyway?
I love my new guy and know that he loves me. He is passionate, has introduced me to new things, makes me laugh, understands my crazy for the most part and loves my son and myself. But he also blows the smallest thing out of proportion (did I mention he is italian), has plenty of time to do things on his own (golf, band practice, tuesday night happy hour with the guys), and is half way grown up in general. So I've been feeling frustrated as things escalated yesterday over replacing the battery in my car (it was my fault I did not have the proper tools) and I'm standing there wondering "Dude whats your problem, you are a man, you should have tools, what the hell am I doing?"
Enter this evening: I had supper my sister, laceyglovey's. Over supper she tells me that my mother has had a change of heart/realization over a previous situation I was in. (a few years ago I became involved with someone else and ended my marriage -not because of the individual, but because I was unhappy) She realizes how happy I was and that the person actually may have brought out the best in me, a re-birth if you will. Now I had spent a good couple of years fighting with my family over this situation. They thought it wrong, that I was crazy... I tried not to let it bother me as I was so happy, this person forever changed me and brought me out of the shell I put myself in during my unhappiness. The person was not free to be with me, as I was not free to be with him and we parted ways. It hurt, I did not think I would get over it. I've tried to put it behind me, but to hear my mother's change of heart has brought it all back and I feel like I was punched in the stomach.
New guy knows about old situation, knows it was hard to move on - but that I did and am with him now. So that brings me to this evening, right now, depressed, crying and unhappy. Why can't I have the best of each relationship wrapped into one? Can things work out for new guy and I? Should I run like the wind? Can he change? I know that I don't want to feel alone while with someone. I know that I want passion and to be consumed with love and happiness. I want someone to spend time with me and to understand me and not blow the small things out of proportion and act like a jackass and to be at least 1/2 way grown up. How do I get this and do I expect too much?
What to do? Sorry for the long post.
Life comes full circle. Here I am on a Saturday night, drinking frangelico and soy millk, listening to bauhaus and the dropkick murphy's and venting about the trials and tribulations of my love life.
I am in relatively new relationship now, 2 1/2 years and over the past few weeks have come to realize that I am having some of the same feelings I had when I decided to end my marriage. Am I just a quitter in general, is something wrong with me, did I settle, did I move to quickly and why am I so insecure about everything anyway?
I love my new guy and know that he loves me. He is passionate, has introduced me to new things, makes me laugh, understands my crazy for the most part and loves my son and myself. But he also blows the smallest thing out of proportion (did I mention he is italian), has plenty of time to do things on his own (golf, band practice, tuesday night happy hour with the guys), and is half way grown up in general. So I've been feeling frustrated as things escalated yesterday over replacing the battery in my car (it was my fault I did not have the proper tools) and I'm standing there wondering "Dude whats your problem, you are a man, you should have tools, what the hell am I doing?"
Enter this evening: I had supper my sister, laceyglovey's. Over supper she tells me that my mother has had a change of heart/realization over a previous situation I was in. (a few years ago I became involved with someone else and ended my marriage -not because of the individual, but because I was unhappy) She realizes how happy I was and that the person actually may have brought out the best in me, a re-birth if you will. Now I had spent a good couple of years fighting with my family over this situation. They thought it wrong, that I was crazy... I tried not to let it bother me as I was so happy, this person forever changed me and brought me out of the shell I put myself in during my unhappiness. The person was not free to be with me, as I was not free to be with him and we parted ways. It hurt, I did not think I would get over it. I've tried to put it behind me, but to hear my mother's change of heart has brought it all back and I feel like I was punched in the stomach.
New guy knows about old situation, knows it was hard to move on - but that I did and am with him now. So that brings me to this evening, right now, depressed, crying and unhappy. Why can't I have the best of each relationship wrapped into one? Can things work out for new guy and I? Should I run like the wind? Can he change? I know that I don't want to feel alone while with someone. I know that I want passion and to be consumed with love and happiness. I want someone to spend time with me and to understand me and not blow the small things out of proportion and act like a jackass and to be at least 1/2 way grown up. How do I get this and do I expect too much?
What to do? Sorry for the long post.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
see? nothing interesting to say! I told you.
In the end, I don't think people change that much. That much i do know.
sigh..
how are things with you?