I'm writing an erotic short story for a magazine, and it is all types of awful. I read a couple of examples that this particular publication has bought before (it's a pretty mainstream magazine and hence why I'm writing the story, it's about 200 a shot as opposed to the 20 you'd be lucky to get for your life's greatest peice of literature). So they're into business men in suits and sleazy bar managers, meaning no boys with piercings or dyed hair or wearing leather or really anything cool at all. Bondage is restricted to a chiffon scarf around the wrists, anything else even vaguely resembling S&M is strictly not the thing. Wouldn't it be fine to establish a magazine that was to [XX] what SG is to Loaded?
Anyway, as it stands I've got two attractive young things meeting at a party and getting it on within ten minutes of an introduction. Which leads me to the next problem, which is that [XX] magazine is written in the language of a 15 year old schoolgirl. In fact I think their samples probably were written by a 15 year old schoolgirl. For your information, if you can litter a sentence with as many expletives as you've ever heard, that makes it automatically sexy. COCK! PUSSY! SHAFT! CUM! WANK! There, didn't that make you hot under the collar? No, me neither, except maybe with EMBARRASSMENT at the lack of subtletly and imagination I've been reduced to. **What if somebody I know reads this?**
Moving on, let me tell you what cunts Centro trains are. A couple of weekends ago, (when I went to the zoo) I bought a return ticket at my local station and hopped on the train to New Street. Imagine my astonishment when, on arrival, I looked for my ticket and found that it wasn't in my bag, it wasn't in my wallet, it wasn't on my lap, in my hand, on the seat, under the seat or anywhere to be seen. What the hell had I done with my tickets????? Well, the people were out checking on the exit of New Street so I went up to the dude selling tickets by the barrier and confessed my idiocy, and asked if I might buy another ticket. NO, a 20 fine on my ass for "not buying a ticket at the station I travelled from," and the three dudes who had to gang up on me were full of the whole, "yeah, yeah, you lost it on the train," "yeah, love, there was a big dog on the train and it ate your ticket."
So I went back to my original station, got the nice man who sold me the ticket to sign my penalty notice, sent it off to the Independent Appeals Agency and today I got this letter. (It's a full side of A4, so I'm going to shorten it.)
Paragraph One: You have been issued with a penalty fare for failing to produce a valid ticket for your journey.
Paragraph Two: It is YOUR responsibility to buy a ticket before you travel. Moreover, it is YOUR responsibility to produce this ticket when asked by an inspector.
Paragraph Three: There are signs all round the station that tell you you must have a valid ticket and be able to produce it for inspection when asked.
Paragraph Four: Your letter states that you bought a ticket but later could not produce it for inspection. It must be stressed that it is YOUR responsibility to keep safe your ticket. You MUST show a ticket when asked. If you cannot do so for any reason, you WILL be issued with a fine as though you had not bought a ticket.
Paragraph Five: However, having read your letter we realise you should not have been fined and we have cancelled your penalty fare.
WELL, MAKE YOUR FUCKING MINDS UP, DICKWEEDS!
Le sigh, it's that time of year and I'm househunting again. I saw a place in Moseley the other night. It was ok. Actually, I've got my sights set on a place in Bournville, but I need to hear back from the existing housemates. Failing that, anyone in South Birmingham wanna hook up?
Anyway, as it stands I've got two attractive young things meeting at a party and getting it on within ten minutes of an introduction. Which leads me to the next problem, which is that [XX] magazine is written in the language of a 15 year old schoolgirl. In fact I think their samples probably were written by a 15 year old schoolgirl. For your information, if you can litter a sentence with as many expletives as you've ever heard, that makes it automatically sexy. COCK! PUSSY! SHAFT! CUM! WANK! There, didn't that make you hot under the collar? No, me neither, except maybe with EMBARRASSMENT at the lack of subtletly and imagination I've been reduced to. **What if somebody I know reads this?**
Moving on, let me tell you what cunts Centro trains are. A couple of weekends ago, (when I went to the zoo) I bought a return ticket at my local station and hopped on the train to New Street. Imagine my astonishment when, on arrival, I looked for my ticket and found that it wasn't in my bag, it wasn't in my wallet, it wasn't on my lap, in my hand, on the seat, under the seat or anywhere to be seen. What the hell had I done with my tickets????? Well, the people were out checking on the exit of New Street so I went up to the dude selling tickets by the barrier and confessed my idiocy, and asked if I might buy another ticket. NO, a 20 fine on my ass for "not buying a ticket at the station I travelled from," and the three dudes who had to gang up on me were full of the whole, "yeah, yeah, you lost it on the train," "yeah, love, there was a big dog on the train and it ate your ticket."
So I went back to my original station, got the nice man who sold me the ticket to sign my penalty notice, sent it off to the Independent Appeals Agency and today I got this letter. (It's a full side of A4, so I'm going to shorten it.)
Paragraph One: You have been issued with a penalty fare for failing to produce a valid ticket for your journey.
Paragraph Two: It is YOUR responsibility to buy a ticket before you travel. Moreover, it is YOUR responsibility to produce this ticket when asked by an inspector.
Paragraph Three: There are signs all round the station that tell you you must have a valid ticket and be able to produce it for inspection when asked.
Paragraph Four: Your letter states that you bought a ticket but later could not produce it for inspection. It must be stressed that it is YOUR responsibility to keep safe your ticket. You MUST show a ticket when asked. If you cannot do so for any reason, you WILL be issued with a fine as though you had not bought a ticket.
Paragraph Five: However, having read your letter we realise you should not have been fined and we have cancelled your penalty fare.
WELL, MAKE YOUR FUCKING MINDS UP, DICKWEEDS!
Le sigh, it's that time of year and I'm househunting again. I saw a place in Moseley the other night. It was ok. Actually, I've got my sights set on a place in Bournville, but I need to hear back from the existing housemates. Failing that, anyone in South Birmingham wanna hook up?
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
sockpuppet:
So have they sent you formal guidelines? (Should be funny 
)
)
sockpuppet:
Sounds as if it'd be easy to tip over into parody.