Every now and then I have one of those nights where I can't sleep and all the negative thoughts come to hassle me. I hadn't drunk enough water that day and my head hurt. All my doubts and regrets swirling. What was I doing, should I be doing it, was this my path, was I a failure, and all my past choices, and less than perfect moments, come back to haunt me. I'm pretty good now at casting a patronus charm of positivity at all that, like a shield or umbrella made of light. (OK, I rewatched the Harry Potter films recently, but I think the metaphor fits pretty well!)
I actively think positive and kind thoughts about myself. Self-doubt can affect anyone, but I won't let it bother me long. I used to let myself get depressed, lacking any kind of defence against those demons. Not anymore. You have to be your own best friend, if you can, and pull yourself away from that train of thought, and start one heading in the opposite direction. You're no use to anyone, or yourself, drowned. You deserve happiness. It's not a base or foolish thing. It doesn't stop you seeing reality for what it is. It just means being nice to yourself, being free to be nice to others. When someone is happy they can achieve so much more than someone plagued by doubts and negativity. Maybe when I was a teenager tragedy seemed edgy and attractive. I don't have any time for that now.
It's OK to be sad, it's OK to reassess a situation when you're not sure it's the right direction, it's OK to wish you hadn't done that, or that somehow things were different. But spending a significant amount of your time in a miserable, doubting state isn't going to help you DO anything. And I think DOING is important. I spent so much of my childhood alone, thinking, a natural introvert. I place a bit more value on action now. It seems easier to get down in the dumps when you don't DO anything. A job is just a place where you get financially rewarded for adding value to other people's lives. It doesn't need to be a job. It could be art that you create and share with others (a blog, a comic, anything!), or volunteering, or on a less altruistic note, making your garden nice. But you have to DO.
I don't think humans were made to spend all their time consuming entertainment, or sit thinking and dreaming, doing nothing, adding nothing. Entertainment is good, but if you don't also do something, add something, it can be hard to feel good about yourself. Being down and doubtful, doesn't help you DO anything to get out of that state. Thinking positively helps you DO. Well, life is complicated, and maybe I'm oversimplifying things. I'm just thinking about it from one point of view.
I like this quote. It goes a bit further than what I've said. It talks about action not just being an important factor to personal happiness, but also constant action (even mistakes) being imperative to progress.
"So what do we do? Anything - something. So long as we don't just sit there. If we screw it up, start over. Try something else. If we wait until we've satisfied all the uncertainties, it may be too late." - Lee Iacocca - Former Chairman of Chrysler
I drank a pint of water and eventually fell asleep. I dreamed of a stag chasing me, pushing me forward with it's antlers. It wanted to play at pushing, like a goat, but I didn't have any antlers of my own, so I wasn't particularly happy about the game. It wasn't a good dream, but it wasn't a nightmare. At least I got to sleep in the end, and woke up without a headache.
This all sounds bad, but I'm really happy lately, and in a really good place in my life. I still get these doubts every now and then. That's OK, it can happen any time, just don't let them eat you up!
I dyed my hair ALL THE COLOURS! I kept my ginger roots, then it goes into pinks, purples, then blues and even a smidge of green at the ends. Yay for mermaid unicorn pastel rainbow magic hair!
My set by Brooklyn is out! She's a really fantastic photographer. Evening Phoenix. I love reading all your comments on the set. Thank you for all your lovely words! How could anyone read all that and not get a confidence boost? Check it out if you haven't already. Hope you like it :)
Love you people!!! Have a mega fantastic week.
xx Viking xx
