WARNING: This the most personal entry and it's not a pretty picture.
I am trying to get my health back. Last month I was nearly successful at commiting suicide. I had been mentally unhealthy for a long long time. I was diagnosed with clincal depression at age 7, it's a constant struggle, even with medication. I probably broke a fundamental rule. Never fall in love with a Suicide Girl . I hope this blistering hope of something coming from it but then reality stepped in and it turned out it would not worked. I was crushed, I felt so low that if I looked up I would just Hell I was so far down. After she broke the news to me I was swallowed a small bottle of vicodin 500 MG about 7 of them and drank a whole fifth of Vodka. I didn't exactly plan a suicide, I just didn't want to feel pain. My body after a few moments started to shake, I grew extremely cold and numb yet I could feel my chest pumping blood harder, my lips, fingers turned blue and lost the sense of touch and even sight for a minute. Now call it luck or fate, a friend of mine stopped by (uninvited) after he got off work, he opened the door and said he found me on the kitchen floor shaking. He threw me in his car and drove through red lights to the hopsital . They ran me into ER, pumped me full of IVs and charcoal, the works. 9 hours later I was normal. Fast forward to now. believe there might be some long lasting complications. I have felt right since, physically, I feel slower and my motor functions aren't as quick. And the vision in my one eye is 40/20 not 20/20 anymore. I get pulse pounding headaches every night too. I'm not a doctor but I know I haven't been the same since that shattering night, I'm still in pain. I have seen another doctor since then and he said some internal damage is evident. I'm seeking help for my depression and it's impossible to do but I feel I must sever this person from my life, as much happiness she brings into my life, I'm miserable and feel empty because of it. She's the poison and the cure. Of course I made her out to be those things in my mind. In the end it's all my fault. I was in love and thought she loved me too.
I promise next time I will make you smile.
I am trying to get my health back. Last month I was nearly successful at commiting suicide. I had been mentally unhealthy for a long long time. I was diagnosed with clincal depression at age 7, it's a constant struggle, even with medication. I probably broke a fundamental rule. Never fall in love with a Suicide Girl . I hope this blistering hope of something coming from it but then reality stepped in and it turned out it would not worked. I was crushed, I felt so low that if I looked up I would just Hell I was so far down. After she broke the news to me I was swallowed a small bottle of vicodin 500 MG about 7 of them and drank a whole fifth of Vodka. I didn't exactly plan a suicide, I just didn't want to feel pain. My body after a few moments started to shake, I grew extremely cold and numb yet I could feel my chest pumping blood harder, my lips, fingers turned blue and lost the sense of touch and even sight for a minute. Now call it luck or fate, a friend of mine stopped by (uninvited) after he got off work, he opened the door and said he found me on the kitchen floor shaking. He threw me in his car and drove through red lights to the hopsital . They ran me into ER, pumped me full of IVs and charcoal, the works. 9 hours later I was normal. Fast forward to now. believe there might be some long lasting complications. I have felt right since, physically, I feel slower and my motor functions aren't as quick. And the vision in my one eye is 40/20 not 20/20 anymore. I get pulse pounding headaches every night too. I'm not a doctor but I know I haven't been the same since that shattering night, I'm still in pain. I have seen another doctor since then and he said some internal damage is evident. I'm seeking help for my depression and it's impossible to do but I feel I must sever this person from my life, as much happiness she brings into my life, I'm miserable and feel empty because of it. She's the poison and the cure. Of course I made her out to be those things in my mind. In the end it's all my fault. I was in love and thought she loved me too.
I promise next time I will make you smile.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
remod66:
My friend, just let me say that I'm glad you're still with us--and you should be, too.
xheartswornx:
I know what you mean, brother. I've been able to restrain myself from doing things I probably shouldn't but, I know that feeling all too well. Whether it's an SG or some girl that happens to drop by my place of work a little too often for my own good, it happens. Glad to hear you're still around, though! I'm here for you, dude.