vice

I feel like such an idiot for even writing this blog, basically I'm scared shitless. Last night as I was coming home form work (3:30 AM) I noticed a man walking around and coming towards my apartment building. I thought that this was really strange because it was the first time that I had ever seen anyone as I was coming home. I locked my door and brushed it off for a second. Curious, I went to my door to look out my peep-hole to see if I could still see him. I didn't at first, but a few seconds later I saw him walking around where my staircase starts, then he was gone again. I was still looking in my peep-hole when the next thing I knew I saw him right in outside my door (my apartment complex is set up in such a way that if you're outside my door you had to have specificially come to my apartment). I was frozen, I stood at the door for a second, scared out of my mind then, while dialing 911, I ran to my bathroom. It took the cops fifteen minutes to get there. By this point I was starting to doubt myself and what I saw but I was too scared to look out the door. Finally the cops arrived to tell me that they couldn't find him and that this was the second call they had received on him that night. I asked if they saw his footprints outside my door (it snowed last night), their response: "Oh he was definitely right outside your door." As soon as they told me that I freaked out because at that point I knew what I saw was real. The cops told me that when they came the first time to look for him they couldn't find him and that they would look around some more. They never came back. I called 911 back to see what the fuck was up, mind you I'm hysterical at this point, and the dispatcher said that they had left and the call was closed. Seriously? What the fuck?!! First off, I'm balling and why the fuck didn't they ask me if I wanted to leave or at least be escorted to my car, or ask if there was anyone I knew that would come and get me? What if he came back once they left? I was finally able to get a hold of Ron who came and got me.
Today I went to talk to my apartment complex about the situation and they told me that he tried to get into the other woman's apartment. Great, that's really comforting. I feel like Ron feels like I'm overreacting which makes me feel not only crazy but lonely. I went out and bought three different types of mase today and it still doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I can't be in my apartment at night. I feel so angry at him and myself for being such a wimp, and I feel like crying all at the same time. I feel so unsafe, every noise is freaking me out. When I was at home today I was constantly looking out my peep-hole and it scared me to death. I feel like an idiot, scared, mad, stupid, defenseless, and just...I'm just scared out of my fucking mind and that makes me so angry. I'm convinced he lives in my complex, which by the way, has security only it's shared between surrounding complexes, why the fuck weren't they there after the first call? Plus, I feel like an asshole because my cat is still at my apartment. How am I supposed to go home from work every night now? He knows where I live, what If he knows my schedule? I don't know what to fucking do. I feel like such a coward.