vetesse

'I'm a Hopeful!'

I don't want to give my hopes up but my hopes are already so high I thought I'd make an introductory blog and brush up on my writing skills, which even though I write so often - fan fiction and originally created works - I always enjoy brushing them off and busting them out so to speak lol. And usually I don't use 'lol' but that's okay too right now because my hopes are high! I just hope that I get a chance to be apart of such an amazing modeling organization. For as long as I can remember my inclinations towards beauty have always been the exotic, the unusual and the different. Because that's what I am (minus the exotic). So instead of getting frustrated over what I wasn't, I took my martial arts training to heart (light a candle in the dark instead of complain of the encroaching darkness).

When I was young I never had a crush on the Tommy, the Green Power Ranger - no my favorite was Trini, the striking young Asian woman. Not something most of my peers understood but we were too young then anyway to take much seriously and so were our parents thankfully - though mine were cool like that and never minded my growing attraction to women - instead of men, though I grew into that too.

I'm different! And because of it I've been refused from a number of modeling organizations, what few are out here in the wild, wild sticks and corn. Where only the occasional cow or pig is the highlight in difference between one Iowa landscape and the other. Little known fact however Iowa is not flat but I almost suppose that's another blog... oh I don't have ADD. Where was I?

Oh yeah I'm different. There are many contributing factors to that and I won't go over them all but many of you might be wondering - where is your ink! Where are your tattoos? Where are your signs of indifference to the status qou - where are your marks, your displays of social and societal rebellion! And I know tattoos are more than that. I had many, many planned at one time - each with a huge amount of emotional meaning. If I was going to get a tattoo it was going to stay with me for the rest of my life so each one had a plan and a lot of emotional depth and meaning. It struck me to the core that anyone would get them for any other reason but that one. But a couple years ago I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease - an autoimmune disorder in which I had to literally fight my way back from the brink of death to recover from its onset.

My body, everything that I had known about it - changed. And many things were also explained, the differences that before I had thought just made me odd and strange - more than I already was. But it was soon clear that tattoos were out of the question. Considering I'm allergic to so many things, tattoo ink was no longer an option. It was too much of a risk that I couldn't afford and so my skin had to stay naked lest I risk serious injury and or death. So would I have tattoos? Yes I would. And I know exactly what a couple of them would be and I would love to have them. So before you say I have no place here, before you say I'm not SG material - my tattoos and ink are not on the outside. They're on the inside. And I refuse to be ashamed of that.

And I've had a difficult past, I wouldn't call it the hardest and I certainly wouldn't call it the best. But my body awhile ago refused to start listening to medical reason lol and common sense. Though I was sometimes dangerously thin I have always retained two odd factors about my body. I have a small belly, and my thighs often have a swollen appearance. Not attractive I have never thought but I learned both and more (my pale complexion for one) was a cause of the autoimmune disease I have. No matter how much I work out, no matter how much I tone up or try - neither of those will ever go away, maybe not even with drastic surgery which I also can't risk. So I could be ninety pounds and it probably not change who I am. Can you see my ribs? Yes you can. Due to my disease I'm mostly overweight. You can see my hips, my ribs - my wrists are barely three inches around but these things about my body that have made me so ugly will never change.

I'm short, another cause of Celiac Disease. No modeling agency would really look twice at my 5'2 oddly shaped figure and say let's put her on the run way! But that's what I wanted to do and so I did try. I was often complimented with what little chances I had that I could pose extremely well, I was a gifted model and I got the job done. But my body did not. Especially not naked. My thighs can be shaped what should be their normal size in a pair of tight and nice fitting jeans but naked it all just goes to hell in a hand basket. I was extremely disheartened and with a personality disorder quickly following on the heels of my rock bottom self esteem I realized I would never be loved, accepted, or allowed to do all those things I wanted. Celiac Disease had robbed my entire life of all my aspirations. I wanted to fly planes - I had a heart problem and I'm colorblind (also caused by Celiac). I wanted to be a Marine, no chance ever of that with an autoimmune disease and fatigue disorder. I wanted to be a Veterinary Technician, my anxieties stopped me. I wanted to model - my physical state was not acceptable no matter how hard I tried.

I nearly became anorexic and developed eating disorders in a desperate attempt to make my body FIT the way it should. If I couldn't be tall dammit I would get rid of my ridiculous belly (which now I know is called 'Celiac Belly') and my thighs would look like they did in jeans ALL the time! But it was no use, and nothing worked. And so I gave it all up. Sometimes I have done modeling here and there but I have never gotten paid for it - I just did it for the chance to do it. No one would ever pay me! This can't be a career! Not with how I look! But here I am?

Lol I found Suicide Girls by chance and accident. I don't even remember exactly how. I was looking for any modeling agency that would accept me and so that I didn't have to sell myself out to a porn industry to get behind a camera. I just refused that option. It wasn't worth it. So I stumbled upon SG entirely by accident and their 'about' section gave me a hope I have never felt before. I quickly clamped down on it, refusing to give up hope that I could ever be a model or accepted for my body type but it was said that they did just that. I was inspired! I was motivated like never before and so I made the plunge and did my first photoshoot naked - which is the first set I've submitted 'Mirror, Mirror'. Because that's ALL I have ever fought with. A damn mirror. And I was going to conquer it. And I was going to be naked! And I was going to be beautiful! Man I was nervous... and even the nerves I feel now don't compare to exactly all those moments but it was also liberating and uplifting.

So now I'm a hopeful! And yes I'm scared of rejection, yes I'm scared of being denied.... again. But there's also hope that I just might not be? That I could actually model and let my creativity and my own personal self shine through. My mind is already soaring with new ideas for new sets as much I try hard not to give my hopes up. And if you've read all this you're already awesome! I'm going to stop rambling but I wanted to explain a bit about myself. It wasn't much of an introduction no but I'll leave you with one I suppose.

My name is Velocity. Hopefully soon you can call me Clutch. I'm twenty two years old and I have a debilitating autoimmune disease and no self esteem. But my confidence refuses to be rocked. I refuse to be a round peg in a square hole. I'm a martial artist, I'm a dreamer. Hopefully this Hopeful becomes a Suicide Girl!