I just got back from Maui late last night, I'm missing it dearly already. With all of my activities and traveling people tend to get a very interesting idea of who I am, so I though I would take a moment to write about what goes on behind the scenes for me.
Despite what it might look like with the lifestyle I live I am a very, very anxious person. I have agoraphobia, a mild form at least, and by design would feel much safer sitting in the safety of my bubble than going anywhere at all. My anxiety around panic attacks and need for the comforts of my space can sometimes make it hard to even run the simplest of errands. This would be all well and good if I lacked completely desire to step outside my bubble for any longer than a lunch date, but there is also this Ueli Steck / Jacques Cousteau hybrid living inside of me who wants to see every new thing out there, explore and push my physical limits as much as I can. These are two seemingly mutually exclusive seeming character traits that make life a little interesting for me.
I have a some ways that I try to push past my fear as best I can, I'm extremely fortunate to have 2 really close friends who are wonderful safety nets for me. If one of them accompanies me on a trip I feel quite a bit safer, not free of panic or worry by any means but good enough to be capable of hitting the road in my present condition. Luckily they are both majorly active adventures so it's not hard to get a chaperone for a day trip out climbing or a week away to camp. Like any one, I'm not always away on a big trip though, and when I'm not I try to practice baby steps of going out alone places. When I say baby steps I mean it, like going to the park for a while by myself, or making a long list of errands so that I have to be away from home for a decent length of time. I do have one obligation, aside from going to work which has it's own list of struggles, every Tuesday somewhere about 35/40 minutes away from home. That can even be really daunting for me to accomplish. Most Tuesday mornings I end up waking up with an endless supply of reasons why not to go and what better things I could do with my time at home, but when it comes down to it they are just excuses and exposure to my discomfort is the best way to get over having control over me, no matter how terrible it might feel at the moment.
It does get really frustrating at times though, I have a few friends who live just outside my comfort zone who I really want to see and visit with, but I'm just not at the point yet where I can make those little day trips alone. I end up feeling really awful and defeated and lot's of times very insecure regarding my physical disconnectedness to some people who mean so much to me. It's difficult to stay secure feeling in your relevance to some one when you dont see them and you geographically could. I have one friend who lives just far enough away that even the thought of driving up to her alone makes my palms clammy but close enough that I could go see her and be back home before dinner. I miss her dearly and she has her first baby about to turn 1 soon who I still have never met because of my own personal issues. It's terrible feeling like you've let down your loved ones, and you start questioning whether they understand what you have going on on your side of the court and, at least I, feel like people will stop caring for you back if they don't have you in their immediate sites or worse yet that they may think you really just dont care for them. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that real friends will and do understand as long as you let them in to know whats eating you, and I know as long as I try hard and push myself just the tiniest bit each and every day I'll keep getting better and better. I'll always have weaker days, and I'll always have strong days, but eventually as long as I keep trying, I'll win. And I am winning. I get better every day I work at it, and I make it a little further and a little longer away from my comforts until one day I'll be traveling to visit any one I pleasel, sailing the open ocean, or out backpacking some remote mountain range.
So there ya go! If nothing else, I wanted to write a little to answer the people who comment on my pictures and blogs about how envious they are of my life and how they wish they could do the things I do and say that if I can do it absolutely you can to! And for those of you who suffer from types of panic or anxiety disorders, ocd, or agoraphobia; you're absolutely not alone, and you can do anything if you work at it hard enough! Remember to give yourself credit for the little strides you make, take stock and appreciate what you do have going for you, and my personal mantra, "progress, not perfection".
