Thursday Jul 09, 2009

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Life. What the hell are we doing here?
Its funny how you think everything is ok and you are in control of all the fucked up shit your doing only to realise your on a huge self destructive path and destroying everything you love.

I have started being honest with myself and everyone I love. So its time to come clean to people i have never met but who i still care about.

For the last 6 months (ever since my second daughter was born) i have been someone else. I have been taking drugs (speed) on a daily basis and slowly loosing more and more of myself. I have also been having an affair for the past 3 months with a close friend that i also work with. I have been pushing my family away and making myself more and more busy with everything else other than whats important. In the process i have hurt everyone i loved.
I have no reasons or excuses for what i did. i have no idea why. But when my marriage was finally at breaking point i confessed to everything. I left my husband (and children) and went to stay with "wog boy" (obviously not his real name) then realising everything i was loosing and destroying i talked to my husband and he amazingly has taken me back.

We are slowly trying to rebuild our marriage and our love. it will take time and its not going to be easy but he told me he wasnt going to throw everything away and everyone should get a second chance. I dont know why he took me back. i dont know anyone else who would have but for this i am forever grateful. Not only have i hurt him i have also hurt "wog boy" He loved me. He was going to take care of me and my children and I have broken his heart. I can never tell him how sorry I am for doing this to him.

I have also hurt my mother and father, adams mother and father and our friends. I am forever sorry to everyone I hurt and my only option now is to try and get help for my fucked up head and and to try and regain the friendship of those i hurt.

So there it is... honesty.
padre:
This is one of the most honest journal entries I've ever read, takes a lot of courage to do that. Of course I hope things work out for you & your husband. I'm sorry that other guy was hurt, I can relate to his side of the story. But you want what you had more & that's great. Same with your friends I hope they can learn to forgive but most of all I hope you learn to forgive yourself & clean up, you know
swbdog:
Hey. Wow. That is some very serious stuff, and I am sure it was very, very difficult for you to tell your husband and family what was going on. I commend you for having had the courage to do so. I also really appreciate that you chose to share all of that with us here. I guess it's one nice thing about SG, that it seems to be a place where people can be honest and not feel the need for pretense or worry about what others will think.

If I may, I'll share with you my thoughts. I still think you are a wonderful, kind-hearted person. That always comes through clearly in your writing here, including in this blog. And I make no judgement about you or what you have done -- everyone's situation is different, and nobody except you, Adam, you family, and "wog boy" has enough understanding of what happened to draw any conclusions. But, I will say I am glad you have gone back to your family -- it is SO important for kids to have both mom and dad intimately involved in their lives, which is something I really only truly came to appreciate by observing the development of my own son.

As for why everything you described happened, that's only for you to really know. But I can tell you my lovely wife, a generally level-headed and steady person, was a completely different person for the first six months after our son was born. And I don't mean in a good way, lol. Put simply, her hormones were very much "off", and her OB doctor eventually put her back on birth control pills to even things out, and she went right back to normal. She has since been able to discontinue use of the pills again, and has remained her usual pleasant self, but apparently, the hormonal imbalance that can occur following the birth of a child can really do peculiar things to people. Not saying that's what happened with you, but when you said "For the last 6 months (ever since my second daughter was born) i have been someone else", our experience here in that regard was the first thing that popped into my mind. Not saying my wife had an affair. That I know of. Did you, Vvixen dear? (Just kidding!)

Anyway, I'm glad you are back with your family. Hug your kids tonight and every night. And your husband. And as for the other guy, as long as he knew you were married, one can only feel slightly bad for him -- he knew the risks. Many guys in his position end up a lot worse than heartbroken when all is said and done.

I hope I haven't overstepped or offended you by commenting on this very personal blog. I just figured candid thoughts by friends would be okay, given your candor.

Your friends on SG still love you. I hope you will keep visiting us here.


Best,

SWBdog

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