velvet_petal

That little movie vignette always reasonated with me as a vision of what I wanted for myself in a relationship. First seen through my adolescent (and less critical) eyes, the movie is a bit corny, but I still love it for some of its scenes and the way those scenes make me feel. It kicked off a very big "love of samba" period for me that probably drove my friends and family nuts.

Today, however, this scene makes me feel lonely and wishing I had a fellow to ride white horses through marshes with, to shampoo, to tease over intimate formal home dinners, to accost at the top of the stairs, to play guitars and read books with in bed. (Without the cigar burns, preferably.) I know I'll get there, but todaytoday I feel lonely and wishing life came with a fast forward button. I hate feeling this way. Know I could pick up the phone to call a friend, know I could pop by for a visit somewhere, or even seek solace with so many of the sweet friends here. The reality differs from how I'm feeling right now at this moment, 12:18 p.m., June 13, 2008.

Instead of reaching out, my natural inclination is to withdraw. To retreat to try to fix itto fix the problem. Not the most constructive behavior given the circumstances. Somewhat self defeating to the purpose, but, I hate coming to the party in a bad mood or without a lot to give. I'll be alright and this will pass..but this day, as beautiful a day as it is, is a day of suck for me. Today I feel like a gut shot dog, hobbling around, and being all pathetic instead of some well heeled, together chick living out my samba dreams.