velour_fog

Alright, so it's been a while since I've posted up anything of substance on here, and I'm not really sure if anyone actually reads this, but I don't really care. It's a good place to try and organize my thoughts.

So, for the first time since....well, before this divorce process even began back in November, I actually feel alright. It's been an exhausting road to get to this point, but I'm finally fine. I think this is because of the following reasons:

1. The end is near for my current apartment. It's been hard living here. Everything here has some sort of attachment to my marriage and it's been hell coming home every day to old memories, good or bad. I have a little over two weeks until I can move into my new place and I'm really looking forward to it. My parents have been helping me collect some random things so that when the move out comes, I can pretty much let the ex take most everything, and what she isn't taking we have duplicate sets of. I guess this serves me well in that I don't have to argue with her about who gets what, and it also allows me to just start over with my own stuff. That's really what I'm looking for in the end is just a chance to start over. With all this living in the past (literally!) I don't think that I've been able to. This will be my chance to get my own two feet under me and allow me to move on. Just the prospect of it has really lifted my spirits.

2. I actually have been able to be conversational with the ex lately. It's nice to be able to talk to her about geeky stuff (lost, etc) as I really don't have anyone in my life that I can do that with. My friends are great, but they are not nearly the level of geek that I am, and she is. So it's nice to make even that level of small talk with someone on the same wavelength as me. In addition to that, I actually talked to her about our situation on a serious level and I think that I saw for the first time that she's doing alright. She's been able to stay sober for 6 months now, she's spiritually reconnected with herself, and she's found friends that mean a lot to her. Hearing this really made me feel better about our situation, and also opened up my eyes to the level of self loathing that I've been having over the last couple of months.
It's hard not to feel that way when you turn away the person that you love. I hated myself for letting it get to this point. I hated myself for giving up. And most of all I hated myself for hurting her. I still do love Harmony, and I feel that I always will. I never wanted to hurt her in all of this, and, if you've read my posts from the past, I made the decision I did based on the fact that we were tearing eachother apart. I'm glad to see it wasn't in error. I could see from our daughter that things were much better on that front, but with Harmony, I couldn't be sure. Now that I know she's in a much better place, I guess I can let some of that hate I held towards myself go. I think for the first time I feel that I made the right choice all along.

3. I also had a talk with the ex about sex. Now, I guess you would assume that I wouldn't be interested in sex with her anymore, given that we are going through a divorce. But I still do. It's hard to explain, but she's the only person that I've truly felt sexually compatible with. With us, every single time was amazing, perfect. It was a hard thing to let go. But in finally bringing up this issue with her, she pretty much told me that she won't do it, for various reasons which I can respect. And while this sucks, I guess it forces me to move on. I guess in the end, I really didn't want to. After being outside the dating world for almost 6 years looking in, you realize just how lame most aspects of it are. Now I am being forced to consider going back into it. I don't really want to, and I wish she would reconsider. I mean, I guess that I know for me, I would realize that there would be no chance of it leading anywhere and it would just be good sex for the sake of good sex. But I do have to consider the other person here and I don't want to hurt her if there would be too much emotion attached on her end. I guess in the end, I just want someone to use me for sex that doesn't want strings. Is that so much to ask? haha. But seriously. I'm not ready to get into a relationship, and probably wont be for a long time. But at least having this talk with her put my sex life into perspective for me, and I know where I stand. Now I just have to figure out what to do with myself. But hey, at least it's a start.

So yeah, that's my current situation in life. Taken as a whole, it's good. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know where I stand, and I feel like I know what I might be able to expect. It's a good feeling. And frankly, I'm starting to have fun again.
I've been playing lots of pool lately, trying to get better and succeeding to a point. When I'm on, I'm on. It's just a consistency issue with me. I've been cutting down on drinking by a LOT too, which really has helped me to get into better shape. Now, I pretty much made a promise to myself not to have booze inside of the house beyond beer, and even then I think I've only gotten a 6 pack in the last month. I also am going out less, which is good because I was spending far too much time at the bar. I needed to find a way to keep myself entertained outside of cigarettes and alcohol, and I've started to be able to do that by getting back to my geeky side. And beyond saving a lot of money, this really has helped me physically. Since this whole situation began 6 months ago, I've dropped about 40 lbs and I am hoping to drop another 20 over the next couple of months. Also, with summer approaching I've made a vow to quit smoking and start working out so that maybe I can get back to my old respectable form.

If you've read this far, congratulations, and now you know far too much about me

I'm going to try and stop on more often. Right now I need all the friends that I can get, and that includes my SG friends. Hope everyone is well, and I hope to see you all soon.