overheardinnewyork.com is the best:
Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?
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Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.
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Orange and Raspberry are Fruits, Too
Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay
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Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
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Beggars Can Be Choosers
Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.
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The Plus is They Look Shaved
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he's a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They're little girls, it's not like you can see anything good!
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Guy: I keep getting screwed over on my haircuts! Last time they left it way too shaggy in the back, and this time it's much too short. I need to find a stylist I can stick with.>
Chick: Hmm, so your hair is like shlong or something.
Guy: Huh?
Chick: Shlong. Like short-long. Shlong.
Guy: Um, well, "shlong" means "penis" in Yiddish. So, uh, ha, ha, no.
Chick: Oh, I didn't know that!
Guy: I sure hope I don't have a penis growing out the back of my head.
_______________________________________________
Woman: I mean, what kind of person marches their daughter into their sixth grade class and announces that their daughter just ate a whole chicken? Who does that? I never forgave her for that.
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Chick on cell: Yeah, if I'm really hungry it doesn't matter about morals anymore, I'll just dive right into bacon, anything. Totally forget about the vegan thing. So for god's sake don't ever leave me alone with bacon. Or human.
__________________________________________
Teen girl: I'm hungry. Not hungry like I want to eat, but hungry.
____________________________________________
Italian lady: When I was young, my mother used to make so much carbonated food.
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Little girl: We used to have a bunny just like that one! Then we had to take it to the liquor store.
_____________________________________________
Blind man: Come on, follow me.
_____________________________________________
Guy: If Hitler were still alive and he were gay you would have thought he'd decorated that apartment. It was a soulless aesthetic abomination.
_____________________________________________
Southern girl: I got guys asking me to send them pictures of my cooter. It's like guys know when you're taken; they flock to you like bees to moldy bread.
_______________________________________________
Chick on cell: I just described my pussy as "vagically delicious," and I wanted to leave you a message because I thought you would appreciate that.
Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?
________________________________________
Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.
_________________________________________
Orange and Raspberry are Fruits, Too
Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay
_______________________________
Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
__________________________________
Beggars Can Be Choosers
Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.
________________________________________________
The Plus is They Look Shaved
Lady cop: Did you hear about that handyman in the Long Island school who was videotaping the little girls?
Cop guy #1: Yeah, he's a sick fuck!
Cop guy #2: Yeah, sick fuck! They're little girls, it's not like you can see anything good!
___________________________________________
Guy: I keep getting screwed over on my haircuts! Last time they left it way too shaggy in the back, and this time it's much too short. I need to find a stylist I can stick with.>
Chick: Hmm, so your hair is like shlong or something.
Guy: Huh?
Chick: Shlong. Like short-long. Shlong.
Guy: Um, well, "shlong" means "penis" in Yiddish. So, uh, ha, ha, no.
Chick: Oh, I didn't know that!
Guy: I sure hope I don't have a penis growing out the back of my head.
_______________________________________________
Woman: I mean, what kind of person marches their daughter into their sixth grade class and announces that their daughter just ate a whole chicken? Who does that? I never forgave her for that.
____________________________________________
Chick on cell: Yeah, if I'm really hungry it doesn't matter about morals anymore, I'll just dive right into bacon, anything. Totally forget about the vegan thing. So for god's sake don't ever leave me alone with bacon. Or human.
__________________________________________
Teen girl: I'm hungry. Not hungry like I want to eat, but hungry.
____________________________________________
Italian lady: When I was young, my mother used to make so much carbonated food.
______________________________________________
Little girl: We used to have a bunny just like that one! Then we had to take it to the liquor store.
_____________________________________________
Blind man: Come on, follow me.
_____________________________________________
Guy: If Hitler were still alive and he were gay you would have thought he'd decorated that apartment. It was a soulless aesthetic abomination.
_____________________________________________
Southern girl: I got guys asking me to send them pictures of my cooter. It's like guys know when you're taken; they flock to you like bees to moldy bread.
_______________________________________________
Chick on cell: I just described my pussy as "vagically delicious," and I wanted to leave you a message because I thought you would appreciate that.
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