Probably ever since high school in my 10th grade year. I was browsing the internet, and I saw this sexy curvy chick, and she was pretty heavily tattooed. It was the first time for me to look at a model and realize, beauty can mean a lot of different things. I can honestly say at that moment I was deep into the angst issues of growing up as a teenager, and as a girl. And when I looked further into it, I realized that there were a lot of girls like this, and that I, as an art student, envied the way they used their body as a canvas on a journey. That is something you can't paint or draw.
Ever since then, I wanted to be a SG. But I wasn't sure I had the guts to be one. I mean, we are naked, on the internet.
For some reason, people shame bodies like they don't deserve to be seen, or admired. And I think that is the greatest handicap on our society, hiding beauty in it's rawest form. That's something I wish I would have realized sooner. It would have made growing up less antagonizing for me.
Suicide Girls was a secret between me and my best friend at the time. We talked about the day ahead of us that we could finally express ourselves, not naked exactly, but the tattoos and piercings and fun hair part. I always felt like I was walking in a hall of robots in high school. The hallways were full of them, and I didn't speak much. People thought I was a bitch because I was too shy, or because of the way I looked at things. I have always been an extreme cynic, and sometimes it works against me I guess. I always felt, that being real, really real, is the only thing worth discussing. And maybe in a high school full of pricks, and ungrateful bastards, that was the reason I kept my mouth shut most of the time. I have never been conceited, ever, but I do know that I am a pretty girl. This made a lot of people intimidated of me, and I guess looking back I can understand.
I've had many people say horrible things to me my entire life. You're too skinny, too fat, your clothes are boring, too quiet, annoying, weak, anorexic, addict.
But I've also had people who have belived in me somewhere in between. And through it all, I realized the most meaningful thing is never defining yourself with a word. That is impossible. You are the real thing, raw and alive and beautiful.
I like how SG stands for social suicide. I've never liked normal anyway.
One summer after a horrible chain of events in my life, I realized that there wasn't a more perfect time to chase a dream of mine. I finally brought it up to my circle of friends that I was thinking about applying to SG. I lost a lot of friends. But there were a few that told me to keep going, and I seriously wouldn't be here without them. I applied and heard back from SG a few days later, and honestly the journey ever since then has changed my life for the better.
When I found out I went "Pink", I cried, so so so so so hard. I feel like a bird that is finally out of it's cage. Part of myself that I couldn't express is now all possible. When I can't paint, when I can't draw, or write, I can spend time loving myself and accepting myself, in it's rawest form.
I honestly can't thank the people who have helped me on here enough. Dreams do come true when you believe in yourself, people start to believe in you too.
