In the literature of the mythical and the factual hero, it is said that often, when they must shed their old skin like Wise Brother Snake and adopt a new one, to become reborn, they must first go through a personal challenge, a personal hell. The hero will hit rock bottom, a level of Hades, through the fires, so that all that is unnecessary is burned away by the heat of suffering and purgatory. That hopefully, when one's outer eyes melt away like dirty wax, then finally, the inner eyes may take over and see what was always there to be seen.
Life goes on in Reading, but inside, I think I'm on my way down to hell. And I'm losing the only Angel that cared enough to risk her own place in the Stars to hold my hand. I don't think it can get any worse than that. Lucifer isn't happy, he's sad....sad to see me here who had every opportunity to learn before coming to the final solution.
Literature talks mostly of those who rise like a Pheonix, free and beautiful from the purifying fires of the Eleusininans. But it isn't a guarantee, purgatory is really quite voluntary, it is just the final solution. There is nowhere further down to go. I hope I don't get stuck down there.
What my fairy godmother Elsie has said, gives me hope. In the tarot reading she gave me before I left Sweden she said the first period of months (she originally said 6...I've only just gotten through the 2nd) would be tough. I had no idea.
From the get go, The Significator card. It is the card that sets the mood for the whole reading. The first one pulled was the 6 of Staves. The two following were related. All predicted "svarigheter". Difficulties. Later on I pulled the 9 of Swords. In this particular deck, it shows a pair of hands, bound tightly at the wrist, raised skywards with the swords behind them stabbing into the right hand border of the card. The Sword Suit is always significant of pain, challenge, setback and tragedy.
***
9 of Swords
Synopsis
A vision of impending doom which may not be the reality.
General Description
This card of sleepless nights shows a condition of deepest worry and despondency. It could be a bad conscience that doesn't let us sleep or the experience of threats to our existence such as illness and painful loss. It shows the fears of long nights in which we lie awake plagued by worries and long for the break of day. This card leaves it open as to whether these are feelings of shame and guilt that rob us of our sleep, our fearfulness that lets us despair in the face of difficult tasks, or if there are real threats to the foundation of our life. It only shows our depression, deep worries, the panic of being suddenly and rudely awakened, and the sleepless night.
***
Originally, Elsie interpreted these as feeling "bound" by the things like school rules and bank laws and money matters and such. Perhaps it is me who tied that choking rope around my wrists. Deservedly, after making the last Angel consider her own good and look Heavenwards - for I believe now I am the only sad dragging heavy thing in her life - deservedly that rope should be around my neck. For being an Asmodeous, blind idiot god of the Gnostics. Utterly blind.
Where is the hope? Well it comes later in the deck. Signifying the future. All my future cards are very powerful, very positive. It is what was part of what made my heart light when I was leaving for Reading. I cannot reveal more about the cards because it is the wish of Elsie that the entirety remains just between us. And for those who feel the card above was not interpreted right, just remember there is a LOT I left out.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just in a place where I can see neither where I came in nor where I can get out.
These are my cycles, these are my sins. I would ask why the Angel suffers with me when she can fly away whenever she wants. But I forgot how my very own words would say..."When we love someone, we love what they love". I forgot how just when I left, and my LadyWitch, she fell greatly ill, I felt my own heart break, my own chest tighten. I almost cried even though it was happening a thousand miles away. I remember when my heart broke for the Angel, many years ago on a humble off-white IKEA couch. It has been a long way way from there since, and I have long been unecessary for that now. Perhaps this is what I have unwittingly and ungratefully done to my Angel. Angel of Red Roses.
Perhaps it is time to let go. Angels, like birds, were created to fly free.
Life goes on in Reading, but inside, I think I'm on my way down to hell. And I'm losing the only Angel that cared enough to risk her own place in the Stars to hold my hand. I don't think it can get any worse than that. Lucifer isn't happy, he's sad....sad to see me here who had every opportunity to learn before coming to the final solution.
Literature talks mostly of those who rise like a Pheonix, free and beautiful from the purifying fires of the Eleusininans. But it isn't a guarantee, purgatory is really quite voluntary, it is just the final solution. There is nowhere further down to go. I hope I don't get stuck down there.
What my fairy godmother Elsie has said, gives me hope. In the tarot reading she gave me before I left Sweden she said the first period of months (she originally said 6...I've only just gotten through the 2nd) would be tough. I had no idea.
From the get go, The Significator card. It is the card that sets the mood for the whole reading. The first one pulled was the 6 of Staves. The two following were related. All predicted "svarigheter". Difficulties. Later on I pulled the 9 of Swords. In this particular deck, it shows a pair of hands, bound tightly at the wrist, raised skywards with the swords behind them stabbing into the right hand border of the card. The Sword Suit is always significant of pain, challenge, setback and tragedy.
***
9 of Swords
Synopsis
A vision of impending doom which may not be the reality.
General Description
This card of sleepless nights shows a condition of deepest worry and despondency. It could be a bad conscience that doesn't let us sleep or the experience of threats to our existence such as illness and painful loss. It shows the fears of long nights in which we lie awake plagued by worries and long for the break of day. This card leaves it open as to whether these are feelings of shame and guilt that rob us of our sleep, our fearfulness that lets us despair in the face of difficult tasks, or if there are real threats to the foundation of our life. It only shows our depression, deep worries, the panic of being suddenly and rudely awakened, and the sleepless night.
***
Originally, Elsie interpreted these as feeling "bound" by the things like school rules and bank laws and money matters and such. Perhaps it is me who tied that choking rope around my wrists. Deservedly, after making the last Angel consider her own good and look Heavenwards - for I believe now I am the only sad dragging heavy thing in her life - deservedly that rope should be around my neck. For being an Asmodeous, blind idiot god of the Gnostics. Utterly blind.
Where is the hope? Well it comes later in the deck. Signifying the future. All my future cards are very powerful, very positive. It is what was part of what made my heart light when I was leaving for Reading. I cannot reveal more about the cards because it is the wish of Elsie that the entirety remains just between us. And for those who feel the card above was not interpreted right, just remember there is a LOT I left out.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just in a place where I can see neither where I came in nor where I can get out.
These are my cycles, these are my sins. I would ask why the Angel suffers with me when she can fly away whenever she wants. But I forgot how my very own words would say..."When we love someone, we love what they love". I forgot how just when I left, and my LadyWitch, she fell greatly ill, I felt my own heart break, my own chest tighten. I almost cried even though it was happening a thousand miles away. I remember when my heart broke for the Angel, many years ago on a humble off-white IKEA couch. It has been a long way way from there since, and I have long been unecessary for that now. Perhaps this is what I have unwittingly and ungratefully done to my Angel. Angel of Red Roses.
Perhaps it is time to let go. Angels, like birds, were created to fly free.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Hope things improve for you
Prague is now becoming a nuisance, mainly through work pressure & travelling to & from UK. Current aim: survive until Xmas
My mom and my brother and I just get along very well, we have since ... well, forever. The other members of the family have a tendency to throw in a lot of conflict if we let them. That's all. It was a wonderful holiday!