Here it is my proper journal entry.
Well first of all, one of the highlights of my weekend was a long distance phone conversation with blasfemme, one of my favourite people on the site and someone I'll be keeping in my life when I leave SG.
She's definitely got me thinking hard (again
) about my life. Restrospection and all that.
I think at this point I am a spiritually dead person. My experience with Linda pretty much blew away all that to dust.
Here's some advice. Don't use someone else's spiritual belief system as a keystone/support column to your own. It's pretty quiet when it comes crashing down, but the tremors are felt.
I have long believed that a trademark of my character was that I was solid. But now I see myself as a granite block with huge dendritic crack right down the middle of it. As a stone, it is still solid and you can put plenty of weight on it. I'm here for my friends as always. But everything I do has an "ache" with it. I feel that crack from throat chakra to root chakra. And my upper two don't even register except as a dull ache somewhere far beyond the back of my mind.
I am missing something. Is it a new belief system? Is it a new spirituality? Is it love?
I think all of the above INCLUDING love are just stopgap measures. There is something fundamental missing, something I haven't found yet.
Maybe it's peace. Maybe it's letting go of hate, doubt and disappointment.
There seems a pointlessness to everything I'm doing now. It is my pragmatism and my ambition and my dreams that keep me going now. Just because I'm falling apart on the inside, held together by tattered thread, doesn't mean I can let it all fall apart on the outside.
I play a lot of a game called Battlefiled 1942. It's escapism. Pure and simple.
I should be studying.
I expect to do average to above average for this first term. Though I dreamed of being top gun.
***
I finished Synchronicity by C Jung over the weekend. Good book. It helped that it was short though
. Some interesting ideas and now I can certainly see where RAWilson got his ideas for Non-Local Consciousness and Non-Local Phenomena.
I begin Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov tonight. I have never read it, but it is one of the most popular books cited by SG models by far. SO now I'm curious.
I can already say I am impressed by the opening lines. One of the best I've ever come across.
"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul..."
***
Been obsessed with the number 23 and Law of Fives as well. 23 Skidoo is a good site to start from.
...and look...it's 23rd Nov 2003
11 23 2(00)3
2 23 23...
spooky...
***
It has finally become rainy and miserable as reputation goes for the isle of Britain.
End of this week are my first exams. X'mas, I fly to Singapore.
***
Not good when life itself becomes a tiring time-passing process. If one becomes boring and lifeless, no one else wants to be with you or you drag them down with you.
It's just so tiring sometimes...so mechanical.
This is why i don't write anymore. No spark...no fire.
************************
I just finished an hour long conversation over the phone with Linda. I just want to say that although I may not have refered to her in the most flattering of tones recently, I still really do love her and there are many beautiful and positive qualities she does have. I am not blaming her at all....it was my folly...but a human one. Who does not learn to love all things that one's cherished ones loves? Who is untouched and unchanged by the beloved?
Spooky and Bonding moment: She is apparently feeling the same sense of "something missing" as I am. What I thought would be difficult to express she picked up right away.
What a weekend. What would I do without the witches in my life?
***
...fuck...I'm getting sad again...
Well first of all, one of the highlights of my weekend was a long distance phone conversation with blasfemme, one of my favourite people on the site and someone I'll be keeping in my life when I leave SG.
She's definitely got me thinking hard (again
) about my life. Restrospection and all that.
I think at this point I am a spiritually dead person. My experience with Linda pretty much blew away all that to dust.
Here's some advice. Don't use someone else's spiritual belief system as a keystone/support column to your own. It's pretty quiet when it comes crashing down, but the tremors are felt.
I have long believed that a trademark of my character was that I was solid. But now I see myself as a granite block with huge dendritic crack right down the middle of it. As a stone, it is still solid and you can put plenty of weight on it. I'm here for my friends as always. But everything I do has an "ache" with it. I feel that crack from throat chakra to root chakra. And my upper two don't even register except as a dull ache somewhere far beyond the back of my mind.
I am missing something. Is it a new belief system? Is it a new spirituality? Is it love?
I think all of the above INCLUDING love are just stopgap measures. There is something fundamental missing, something I haven't found yet.
Maybe it's peace. Maybe it's letting go of hate, doubt and disappointment.
There seems a pointlessness to everything I'm doing now. It is my pragmatism and my ambition and my dreams that keep me going now. Just because I'm falling apart on the inside, held together by tattered thread, doesn't mean I can let it all fall apart on the outside.
I play a lot of a game called Battlefiled 1942. It's escapism. Pure and simple.
I should be studying.
I expect to do average to above average for this first term. Though I dreamed of being top gun.
***
I finished Synchronicity by C Jung over the weekend. Good book. It helped that it was short though
. Some interesting ideas and now I can certainly see where RAWilson got his ideas for Non-Local Consciousness and Non-Local Phenomena.
I begin Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov tonight. I have never read it, but it is one of the most popular books cited by SG models by far. SO now I'm curious.
I can already say I am impressed by the opening lines. One of the best I've ever come across.
"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul..."
***
Been obsessed with the number 23 and Law of Fives as well. 23 Skidoo is a good site to start from.
...and look...it's 23rd Nov 2003
11 23 2(00)3
2 23 23...
spooky...
***
It has finally become rainy and miserable as reputation goes for the isle of Britain.
End of this week are my first exams. X'mas, I fly to Singapore.
***
Not good when life itself becomes a tiring time-passing process. If one becomes boring and lifeless, no one else wants to be with you or you drag them down with you.
It's just so tiring sometimes...so mechanical.
This is why i don't write anymore. No spark...no fire.
************************
I just finished an hour long conversation over the phone with Linda. I just want to say that although I may not have refered to her in the most flattering of tones recently, I still really do love her and there are many beautiful and positive qualities she does have. I am not blaming her at all....it was my folly...but a human one. Who does not learn to love all things that one's cherished ones loves? Who is untouched and unchanged by the beloved?
Spooky and Bonding moment: She is apparently feeling the same sense of "something missing" as I am. What I thought would be difficult to express she picked up right away.
What a weekend. What would I do without the witches in my life?
***
...fuck...I'm getting sad again...
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
i am glad i got you thinking. that's what you are meant to do, perhaps that is what is missing. but not that squirrel cage kinda thinking, forward thinking love. you are trying to evolve. let go, christen and open your dreamshell. it will all come to you.
i love you munir. i am glad you talked to linda. i am glad you removed that restriction you had placed on your heart for a moment. people need people.
Good Bye my friend