Entering 2006
I really wish Id been off work today so that I could write a long entry about all the grand plans I have for 2006. Unfortunately I dont have a day off until Wednesday. So all I am going to say for now is that I have some really awesome things in the works for this year. I plan on working and playing in full force this year. My New Years resolution is simply to live as fully as possible with as little wasted time as I can manage.
Speaking of the New Year, 2005 ended with more of a giggle than a bang. Debra, Brenda, and I spent New Years Eve together and none of us drank a drop of alcohol despite spending our last dollar to stock up. Debra and Brenda just werent in the mood for booze and I didnt want to get drunk alone. Instead we just watched the end of Bride of Chucky and Terror Firmer. We had a pretty good time, despite Debra being rather sleepy. Because I had to work today we went to bed before Mark made it home.
Other things I did yesterday included spending some quality time with Brenda. While Debra was napping we got coffee at Aurora, walked down to Inman Park where we sat on a park bench and conversed while watching a trio of young boys and their guardian playing with a remote control plane. Then we walked back to the apartment then ventured down to the Edgewood Shopping Center because I wanted to see how much a mailbox at the UPS store costs. Unfortunately they were just closing where we got there so we went to EB Games to poke around and then to Barnes & Noble where I picked up a 2006 calendar for 50% off.
Then I went over to Dannys so we could work on Roth & Earl. Its been months since weve updated the site and thats simply unacceptable. Getting the site rolling again is one of my objectives for the year.
Kendra H is back from her vacation in Florida. Sweet God I hope she finds somewhere else to go by the weekend because there simply isnt enough physical space for her to continue existing here after Brenda moves the rest of her stuff up Friday. If we had a bigger place shed be welcome to stay but in this apartment it just isnt possible without severely cramping the quality of life in this household.
Things with Brenda have been going pretty well. Shes been doing a great job tending the home while Debra and I are working and so far there hasnt really been anything in the way of relationship tension aside from me maybe giving Brenda too much attention for her comfort. I forget that Brenda isnt used to seeing very much of her lovers. Shes generally okay on days that I work but I think I apparently overwhelmed her yesterday when I was off work and spent pretty much all my waking hours with her (since Debra was asleep most of the day).
The thing is that the only time Brenda has really been able to pinpoint not enjoying our time together is when she took a nap and I wanted to take a nap to. When I snuggled to her she told me she was feeling crowded so I said okay and moved away to my side of the bed to sleep. I didnt understand that she meant she wanted me to leave until she told me that was what she meant today. Its something Ill just have to be more mindful off. I just worry that shes already burning out on me. Im not too worried, though, as I know that it has been a unusually active weekend and I can see how it could be overwhelming in general and I think maybe Im just the easiest thing to push against. I think shell be a lot happier when shes able to get her own computer set up and have her own little bubble of territory.
Things have been up and down with Mark of late. Since Kendra started staying here hes just gotten moodier and moodier. His bitterness was starting to get tiresome so Ive taken to going tackling it head on when he starts getting curmudgeonly in my vicinity. Thats actually been working pretty well. Im really hoping he mellows out a bit more when Kendra moves out because her moving in was really when things started heading in a negative direction with his head state. I miss the Mark that was really fun to be around and didnt seem to have a constant rain cloud hovering over his head.
Things between Debra and I arent holding up as well as they could be. Im a bit resentful that she didnt step away from Chris at all in December but Im still expected to give my blessing for them to start seeing each other again now that its 2006. I feel kind of like a chump to have made an agreement and not have the other person keep their end but still keep mine because she doesnt want to put Chris off even though hes been a total jerk to her and his shit damn near ruined our Christmas. I just dont know what to do. The point to her stepping away from all the drama with him was so that we could all have a break from it and start fresh and emotionally rested come 2006 and I never got a break. Every week of December was one Chris related incident after another and I dont think Debra is capable of stepping away from it no matter how much of a jerk he is to her or to our family. Im so tired of the crap their relationship brings to my life and what I hate most of all is that its not going to stop and Debra would rather burn our relationship to the ground than genuinely step away from it even for a while and that makes it hard to stay connected to Debra. I want to trust her but until she can show me that she can get over her obsessiveness regarding working things out with Chris (even though she even admits that rationally the relationship probably cant work) Im not going to be able to and she hasnt even shown interest in trying to separate the idea of wanting things to work with Chris from the all consuming need to make things work with Chris at any cost.
Aside from Chris issues, though, things between Debra and I have been splendid so Im going to make a go of letting go of my aggravation regarding how things have gone so far and show Debra as much faith as I can muster that shes not just speaking wishful thinking when she says that shes not going to let the Chris issues happen again. Honestly I do hope shes right because before Chris and her broke up the first time because she wouldnt change to suit him I really enjoyed having him in our lives. I just really dont like his attitude of entitlement to her when hes turned on her every time she acted differently than he wanted her to. I dont like that she consistently shows more concern with working things out with him than working things out with me. Most of all, though, I hate how whenever Chris has been shitty to her it somehow gets turned around that Im the bad guy when Ive never done anything to him until the Christmas present incident. Its been obvious that Chris cant deal with the whole truth of things so he looks to isolate things into a bubble controllable by him. When Debra wouldnt change for him was when he decided to estrange himself from his friendship with me and his connection to our family. That was no ones choice but his own but he likes to make it out that somehow it was my doing. That pisses me off. It makes it seem like his friendship with me was just a way to get to Debra and when I became more of an obstacle to his manipulating her than his conduit for getting closer to her he just walked away. I call bullshit on that.
The whole situation is the only thing that weighs heavily on me and makes me feel negatively about the future. Im going to try to give them a chance with the new agreement that they can start going out occasionally face to face if Debra stops talking to him on instant messenger. Shell still be able to talk via email or their journals so its not like Im cutting off their communication. Im just taking away the part of it that Debra feels is the main reason things get so fucked up. Debra thinks that if she stops talking to him online that it will stop the drama from affecting our home. Im willing to give it a chance, though Id be a lot happier about it if theyd take some time off completely for a while just so I can get my nerves settled down about the whole thing.
Anyway, I guess thats the state of the household. Time to do something else for a bit.
I really wish Id been off work today so that I could write a long entry about all the grand plans I have for 2006. Unfortunately I dont have a day off until Wednesday. So all I am going to say for now is that I have some really awesome things in the works for this year. I plan on working and playing in full force this year. My New Years resolution is simply to live as fully as possible with as little wasted time as I can manage.
Speaking of the New Year, 2005 ended with more of a giggle than a bang. Debra, Brenda, and I spent New Years Eve together and none of us drank a drop of alcohol despite spending our last dollar to stock up. Debra and Brenda just werent in the mood for booze and I didnt want to get drunk alone. Instead we just watched the end of Bride of Chucky and Terror Firmer. We had a pretty good time, despite Debra being rather sleepy. Because I had to work today we went to bed before Mark made it home.
Other things I did yesterday included spending some quality time with Brenda. While Debra was napping we got coffee at Aurora, walked down to Inman Park where we sat on a park bench and conversed while watching a trio of young boys and their guardian playing with a remote control plane. Then we walked back to the apartment then ventured down to the Edgewood Shopping Center because I wanted to see how much a mailbox at the UPS store costs. Unfortunately they were just closing where we got there so we went to EB Games to poke around and then to Barnes & Noble where I picked up a 2006 calendar for 50% off.
Then I went over to Dannys so we could work on Roth & Earl. Its been months since weve updated the site and thats simply unacceptable. Getting the site rolling again is one of my objectives for the year.
Kendra H is back from her vacation in Florida. Sweet God I hope she finds somewhere else to go by the weekend because there simply isnt enough physical space for her to continue existing here after Brenda moves the rest of her stuff up Friday. If we had a bigger place shed be welcome to stay but in this apartment it just isnt possible without severely cramping the quality of life in this household.
Things with Brenda have been going pretty well. Shes been doing a great job tending the home while Debra and I are working and so far there hasnt really been anything in the way of relationship tension aside from me maybe giving Brenda too much attention for her comfort. I forget that Brenda isnt used to seeing very much of her lovers. Shes generally okay on days that I work but I think I apparently overwhelmed her yesterday when I was off work and spent pretty much all my waking hours with her (since Debra was asleep most of the day).
The thing is that the only time Brenda has really been able to pinpoint not enjoying our time together is when she took a nap and I wanted to take a nap to. When I snuggled to her she told me she was feeling crowded so I said okay and moved away to my side of the bed to sleep. I didnt understand that she meant she wanted me to leave until she told me that was what she meant today. Its something Ill just have to be more mindful off. I just worry that shes already burning out on me. Im not too worried, though, as I know that it has been a unusually active weekend and I can see how it could be overwhelming in general and I think maybe Im just the easiest thing to push against. I think shell be a lot happier when shes able to get her own computer set up and have her own little bubble of territory.
Things have been up and down with Mark of late. Since Kendra started staying here hes just gotten moodier and moodier. His bitterness was starting to get tiresome so Ive taken to going tackling it head on when he starts getting curmudgeonly in my vicinity. Thats actually been working pretty well. Im really hoping he mellows out a bit more when Kendra moves out because her moving in was really when things started heading in a negative direction with his head state. I miss the Mark that was really fun to be around and didnt seem to have a constant rain cloud hovering over his head.
Things between Debra and I arent holding up as well as they could be. Im a bit resentful that she didnt step away from Chris at all in December but Im still expected to give my blessing for them to start seeing each other again now that its 2006. I feel kind of like a chump to have made an agreement and not have the other person keep their end but still keep mine because she doesnt want to put Chris off even though hes been a total jerk to her and his shit damn near ruined our Christmas. I just dont know what to do. The point to her stepping away from all the drama with him was so that we could all have a break from it and start fresh and emotionally rested come 2006 and I never got a break. Every week of December was one Chris related incident after another and I dont think Debra is capable of stepping away from it no matter how much of a jerk he is to her or to our family. Im so tired of the crap their relationship brings to my life and what I hate most of all is that its not going to stop and Debra would rather burn our relationship to the ground than genuinely step away from it even for a while and that makes it hard to stay connected to Debra. I want to trust her but until she can show me that she can get over her obsessiveness regarding working things out with Chris (even though she even admits that rationally the relationship probably cant work) Im not going to be able to and she hasnt even shown interest in trying to separate the idea of wanting things to work with Chris from the all consuming need to make things work with Chris at any cost.
Aside from Chris issues, though, things between Debra and I have been splendid so Im going to make a go of letting go of my aggravation regarding how things have gone so far and show Debra as much faith as I can muster that shes not just speaking wishful thinking when she says that shes not going to let the Chris issues happen again. Honestly I do hope shes right because before Chris and her broke up the first time because she wouldnt change to suit him I really enjoyed having him in our lives. I just really dont like his attitude of entitlement to her when hes turned on her every time she acted differently than he wanted her to. I dont like that she consistently shows more concern with working things out with him than working things out with me. Most of all, though, I hate how whenever Chris has been shitty to her it somehow gets turned around that Im the bad guy when Ive never done anything to him until the Christmas present incident. Its been obvious that Chris cant deal with the whole truth of things so he looks to isolate things into a bubble controllable by him. When Debra wouldnt change for him was when he decided to estrange himself from his friendship with me and his connection to our family. That was no ones choice but his own but he likes to make it out that somehow it was my doing. That pisses me off. It makes it seem like his friendship with me was just a way to get to Debra and when I became more of an obstacle to his manipulating her than his conduit for getting closer to her he just walked away. I call bullshit on that.
The whole situation is the only thing that weighs heavily on me and makes me feel negatively about the future. Im going to try to give them a chance with the new agreement that they can start going out occasionally face to face if Debra stops talking to him on instant messenger. Shell still be able to talk via email or their journals so its not like Im cutting off their communication. Im just taking away the part of it that Debra feels is the main reason things get so fucked up. Debra thinks that if she stops talking to him online that it will stop the drama from affecting our home. Im willing to give it a chance, though Id be a lot happier about it if theyd take some time off completely for a while just so I can get my nerves settled down about the whole thing.
Anyway, I guess thats the state of the household. Time to do something else for a bit.