vampiresquirrel

wow. what a difficult and discouraging place to be.

the following is not my attempt to make you 'feel better' or to pacify you. i hate when people try to compare bo-bo's with me in an apparent effort to help me out.

however, i was struck by your frank honesty, and i wanted to share the same back with you. don't read it if you dont want to. i understand.

my first love and first kiss and first sex and first relationship were with the same girl. we were together for four years, and were thinking of getting married so we could stay together. this was in high school, and the first half of college.

she was coming from a terribly dysfunctional household, with rampant emotional and sometimes physical abuse. she was torn apart on a daily basis.

her mother was a very sick woman, who was also extremely clever and intelligent and therefore never diagnosed as anything but a suffering bride with too much to do. she was bipolar and overwhelmed by her inabiity to function in the family when the father was continually out in strip clubs and avoiding the family as much as possible.

a divorce ensued. a divorce that i stuck my noble little head in the middle of. i found myself responisible in many ways for the three children wrapped up in the whole affair. i boldly walked into every situation attempting to repair and condence everything with my seemingly enless naivety.

i was absurd, of course. i had no business in the middle of all that. i was a middle-class straight white kid from a functioning and loving family. granted, the fact that my parents were divorced provided some context, but it wasn't anything like her situation really. my mom had remaired a loving and kind man whom i called dad. my girlfriend, on the other hand, was completely fucked.

i began to grow so angry and upset with my parents for being so stable. i resented everything, especially my inability to help my girlfriend with anything she was going through. i felt impotent, useless, and childish. i started telling people that i was an orphan, or that i had a father who actively beat me. i created the worst life i could, so i didnt have to be embarrassed for coming from a happy situation.

my girlfriends mom eventually passed away in an apparent accident. it was tremendously hurtful to my girl, and just added onto so much of the burden she carried. she was in and out of care units and suicide watches.

we eventually broke up....but it took forever.

we couldnt break up, because i felt so responsible for her. i knew, in some part of my head, that we were terrible together, and growing worse by the day. but i was the only one who undestood fully what she had gone through. when anybody else met her, she had to explain from the beginning everything that had happened, what it all meant to her, and how it was going to go down from then on out...or just skip it and lie about her family.

we stayed together for an additional year, not because we were good together or enjoyed what we were doing for one another, but because we were the only ones that understood the special code for what we had both gone through together to get to that point. we honored that code. we fought for it, even though it turned out to be worth only what it had gotten us through, and nothing on it's own.

what i mean is....when the situation stabalized for her, we had nothing to share together anymore. when she got better, and i had fought so hard for her to get better, then we had no relationship anymore. our relationship had become "dealing with the girl"... and when she got better we had nothing.

i dont know much about your situation, and of course i can't help you. i can tell you that no personal code developed with another person is more important than the blinking lights inside your head that spell out your own individual sense of self. nobody's happiness is as important as yours is...even if that sounds evily republican.

nothing else to say except cliche's about love and truth. i wont tell you them.

i wish you the best, i really do.


adam

(huggles) thanks for joining in.