Good afternoon lovelies!!!
Today I decided to do a little bit of a more recent homework topic! This weeks topic is actually "what is your favourite subreddit" but I actually don't know what that is, so if you want to help me out with an explanation I would appreciate it! Haha!!
The topic I chose this week is "one thing I would change about myself" and it's actually something that I can relate to pretty personally at this moment. If I could change one thing, I would change my level of self worth and confidence and how I deal with everything when I feel like shit about myself.
I just recently got into and single handedly ruined what could have been a very nice relationship with a guy who literally hit almost every point in my list of the "ideal" man. All because I had a mental freak out and instead of talking with my partner, I let my insecurities take over. I literally had a breakdown and told him that he couldn't possibly be happy with me so I couldn't see him anymore. This after what was almost a week of being really annoyingly distant and moody.
I literally did all I could to push him away and then got mad when he left. So if I could change something, it would be to give myself to confidence to be secure and accept love as I deserve it. Instead of pushing away people who have all the potential because I am afraid I'm not enough and then blaming them for my insecurities. I even apologized to him because I knew what I was doing, but then continued to be a bitch because I just can't help it when I'm hurt. It could have been salvaged but for some reason as bad as I wanted it to be fixed, I did everything I could to make it all worse.
I'm all kinds of messed up and have realized I need to majorly overhaul on my internal set up before ever pursuing anything more than a one night stand. I should have realized this way before pursuing this guy, and then maybe there would have been a chance to make things right. I still hope that there is, but I don't see him forgiving me for the way I treated him any time soon.
Part of me thinks I'm justified, because I felt insecure for some reason, but a bigger part of my realizes that I invented my own insecurities and had no reason to feel like he didn't want me.