No seriously. What is your definition? Mine has always been pretty simple; the person you want to spend your life with. And like that even sounds cute right?
So why doesn't it work for me?
I'm pretty much the queen of bad relationships, and I've been on hiatus for a little while, and it's been really eye opening.
First of all I didn't realize how much I associate love with status. My last few relationships have been hell, and not because they haven't been nice guys, but because neither of us wanted to be in the relationship or direction we were in. So why were we? Because for some reason being single is seen as a bad thing. And it's seeming to me that it's all in my head, haha! I'm pretty good st thinking up the worst situations, so the voice in my head gets a lot to feed on. But I feel like when I'm single everyone judges me, and sees all the reasons that someone would potentially leave me, while when I'm dating someone everyone sees why. I know that's strange.
It was also totally convenience in every situation, and I can assure you anyone I've dated would agree. We got comfortable and thought it was easier to just pretend to be happy, or satisfied, or even like we thought it was going to work. We put so much effort into pretending with each other and compromising for ourselves. Maybe we did love each other, and maybe we convinced ourselves that we did to make the effort seem less futile.
I also have a bad habit of changing for people, and not in the good eat healthy and quit smoking ways. I mean like watched all the marvel movies because a guy said he wanted me to, even though I had little to no interest in them previously. I also never pick the music, but it's by my choice. anyone I've dated had picked the music, most of the tv, and even food I would cook, all because I would want to have what they liked and want to connect over it I guess. Or maybe I just want to be a stepford wife? I don't know.
Most of the people I have dated probably would have made great friends if I had left it there. And it's not totally their fault or mine, like I said, almost all nice guys. And I'm not a bad girlfriend, but I'm not a great one either, and the biggest flaw I find in myself is that I'm fucking emotional. Like really badly hysterical when I'm upset, and that's something many people can't handle. I am pretty insecure about everything I do, and because of my own insecurities I'm REALLY good at making others feel secure. I'm the one who feeds the ego, and I feed it everything. Which means when it comes time for me to assure myself, I need to borrow some back, but that's not really how it works. I need to have the confidence firsthand. I can't always expect someone to have my back when I'm down, it has to be something I get on top of what I leave for myself.
I'm also really bad at not getting jealous. I pretty much assume that every guy who dates me is just using me as s place holder until someone else come to take it. I'm pretty sure it's because If the whole confidence thing, but I also think it's a little bit of me going over board. I can't say I haven't been right once or twice, but I can also say I've accused some good guys of bad things over my own petty issues.
So why do I keep doing it?
Why do I keep calling insanity love? Because I don't know what romantic love is to me. All I know is a cookie cutter explanation I got from a movie, or an unrealistic expectation from a book I read as a kid. I Have this obsession with being loved, and having someone who I can say hey I love that guy, and I don't even know how to love me. How is anyone else going to know?
My idea of love is someone who wants to read books and have a bubble bath.
And I love to read books and have bubble baths, so it's perfect.
This time I'm going to love me.
