valcapone

I'm always wondering if there's no such thing as coincidence, if every time I hear a song on the radio that seems appropriate, the universe is trying to tell me something. For example, last night as Actor Boy drove me home we were listening to a radio station that normally plays no chick music whatsoever. Garbage came on with a song called 'Bad Boyfriend.' The gist of the song should be obvious from the title and the hook 'C'mon, baby, be my bad boyfriend.'

He gave me a distant two-cheek kiss, the same one he gave me on Friday night after saying he wanted to sleep in his own bed, alone. At least on Friday night he called me up to apologize for the brush-off. Perhaps I accepted his apology too quickly. I said it was understandable, since we'd spent nearly 2 weeks nonstop together. He said that was almost exactly it. Of course the 'almost exactly' was curious wording from a guy who words things precisely...

But of course, I am a paranoid sort who reads things into situations where no such things exist.

Anyway, my point is that this song on the radio made me think I was right to originally question the Friday night phone speech and wonder what it is that makes men so intent on pursuing me for short, energetic bursts of time, then flee in a panic. I never press them to sign up for a lifetime commitment or wag my ring finger at them. So I suspect that spending too much time with me opens them up to scary thoughts like, 'Oh, crap, I think I really like this girl.' And if you are the sort of guy who warns girls off by saying, 'I've broken up with every girl I've ever dated,' you will get cold feet. Particularly if you are also one of those fickle acting types.

It's funny how someone who claims to want a family can reject every decent girl that comes along.

Anyway, as the New Me, I'm trying to shrug it off and just roll with life's punches. I suspect I'm not destined for longterm relationships or serious love affairs. I can't take people seriously when they talk to me of love, particularly when they tell me not to fall for them in the same breath. Don't reverse psychologize me. Don't play mind games with me. If you want honesty, then be honest. Don't give me lines from romantic films and plays. I will find you out. Haven't you noticed me kicking your ass at Booklover's Trivial Pursuit, dear?

Human beings are funny. We never seem to stick to our guns. Emotionally, we are undone by the slightest of weapons. A smile, a nod, a hand on the shoulder. All the world's a fucking stage. Don't make me your tale told by an idiot, signifying nothing.