uswer8024082082084

Here comes the rain again. . .
I've just been hit with an old truth. I'm an outcast, in so many ways.
"You don't give anything" "You shut yourself up" "You don't let anyone in"
This is what I am. I think I have come to terms with it most times, but I haven't come to terms with the effects I make on my life.
I can't be cool in a crowd. Yet I don't want to always be left out. I want to go to shows, bars, and the like.
When people talk to me my mind shuts off, I go blank. I realize I have nothing to share with anyone. My whole life seems meaningless and empty. I feel like I have no personality, no talent, no passion. I begin to hate myself more and more.
I am nowhere and nothing.
Do you understand why I should live alone? Merely being in the presence of another drains me, distracts me. How can I make art when I know you might interupt me at any moment. I try and fail. I try again. Sometimes it works. But often I try and fail, and the failing really rips my self esteem to shred.
I might have so much more to offer to the world if I could have a sanctuary in which to create myself.
I feel selfish for "not giving anything' but what is there to give. How can I conjure up some gem to offer up when I can find none.
I throw myself out into the darkness from time to time, and I find blank stares, uncomfortable shrugs, awkward silences.
I wonder what your friends think. "Why is he with her?" "Does she have him in some kind of sick entrapment?" "Does he only go with her 'cause she's pretty? "Is she stupid?"
Sometimes I think they're onto something.
But in the end, they're YOUR friends. I do admire them and long to know them better often, but I can never approach them in any other way than as YOUR girlfriend.
With my friends, or with people I meet on the street, at work, on my own, I don't have this problem so much. Sure I don't talk very much, I don't chit chat, I don't give as much as your average party queen. That's not my style. But I don't feel so empty, useless, boring, stupid, talentless, meaningless, passionless, young, inexperienced, unfriendly, frumpy, sexless, without style and grace.
Am I ruining both of our lives? Would we be better apart? Who could I be if I had the space and time and brevity to figure it out alone? Can't I do it while I'm with you?
You do hold me back. If I was alone with these people I'd either find my way out or find some way to relate or I might just not care that I don't relate. Its too late for many of them now. I'm either your girlfriend or your ex. I conform to you. I'd be more adventuresome. . .
Please understand that I'm not blaming you, I don't hold a grudge. Your not at fault because you cramp my style. I KNOW how much I cramp your style. And I hate the fact. That's one of the biggest issues here. That's what we're really talking about right?
You want me to change. To be more than I'm being. And to put out more. HA HA! And to like it.
I've decided to travel more, I am planning a trip, alone. It is something I must do. I've always wanted to and it's about time.
I'm not afraid though. I'm not ashamed of myself this time. I don't really give a fuck most of the time. THIS time you were the one to point out my fllaws or what I now believe is just my character. This is who I am damn it. And it might suck, but so be it.