Right now, you're the only reason
And time out if everyone's worth pleasing
You'll trigger a landslide
To kill off this chronic state of mind
I completely freaked out at work yesterday. Because of the parking ticket, I couldn't register for my classes. I got it all worked out eventually, and I got my schedule set up this morning. But the frustration and anxiety overwhelmed me. My boss didn't know how to react aside from "Why are you crying?!?". I told him I was going to turn into the hulk. Having a breakdown at work is possibly the most embarassing thing ever. It wasn't fully due to the school situation. Things lately...well, you all know because I talk about it here constantly. I need to pull my shit together.
I'm a dreamer this morning. Excuse my rambling that follows.
It's been too long. I woke this morning feeling this way, missing that feeling. The absolute contentment that has been many years gone. Most of all I miss it in the morning. Being woken by early sunlight, wrapped in the arms of intimacy. The feeling of a nose brushing against the nape of my neck, giving me chills even though the room is warm. Rolling over and staring into eyes that are always glued to me, that convey adoration, that allow me to lose myself and block out the rest of the universe. Recieving kisses that cover all of me...my forehead, my nose, my collarbone, my fingertips. Holding hands with limbs intertwined, foreheads resting against eachothers. Being able to close my eyes and just breathe and be there fully, without any worries, guilt, or anxiety brewing in the depth of me. Those moments of laying in bed with love shining out of me are what I miss. Happiness glowing from my pores like sweat, having my face hurt from smiling. I ache for it today. I've had it before, but so much of me believes that it's impossible to get there again. Yes, the capacity exists in me to allow it, to nuture it, and let it flourish...
But it's so protected. The temple of my heart has been wickedly violated. Repeatedly. I've managed to truly let my guard down for so few, and in the times of happiness it was ecstacy. The problem with such elation is the inevitable pain that follows. And once I receive a deep wound coming from that euphoric state, things are never the same for me. Sometimes it's been one big blow, and sometimes it's little cuts and gouges that never get the chance to heal, but either way the injury becomes infected and poisons me. Yes, I have been the one to break off relationships the majority of the time... but it's always after soul has been broken and left unrepaired for so long. Maybe I deserve to rot alone with this gangrenous lump in my chest....
A part of me hopes still. I have a burning in me to recapture those moments, to feel, to love. I am a romantic underneath all of it. And if someone should come along and want to unbury it, I pray that I have the strength to release all that's tied up in me, and actually let them.
Wow.
Fuck it, I'm posting this, even though rereading it makes me feel like an idiot.
And time out if everyone's worth pleasing
You'll trigger a landslide
To kill off this chronic state of mind
I completely freaked out at work yesterday. Because of the parking ticket, I couldn't register for my classes. I got it all worked out eventually, and I got my schedule set up this morning. But the frustration and anxiety overwhelmed me. My boss didn't know how to react aside from "Why are you crying?!?". I told him I was going to turn into the hulk. Having a breakdown at work is possibly the most embarassing thing ever. It wasn't fully due to the school situation. Things lately...well, you all know because I talk about it here constantly. I need to pull my shit together.
I'm a dreamer this morning. Excuse my rambling that follows.
It's been too long. I woke this morning feeling this way, missing that feeling. The absolute contentment that has been many years gone. Most of all I miss it in the morning. Being woken by early sunlight, wrapped in the arms of intimacy. The feeling of a nose brushing against the nape of my neck, giving me chills even though the room is warm. Rolling over and staring into eyes that are always glued to me, that convey adoration, that allow me to lose myself and block out the rest of the universe. Recieving kisses that cover all of me...my forehead, my nose, my collarbone, my fingertips. Holding hands with limbs intertwined, foreheads resting against eachothers. Being able to close my eyes and just breathe and be there fully, without any worries, guilt, or anxiety brewing in the depth of me. Those moments of laying in bed with love shining out of me are what I miss. Happiness glowing from my pores like sweat, having my face hurt from smiling. I ache for it today. I've had it before, but so much of me believes that it's impossible to get there again. Yes, the capacity exists in me to allow it, to nuture it, and let it flourish...
But it's so protected. The temple of my heart has been wickedly violated. Repeatedly. I've managed to truly let my guard down for so few, and in the times of happiness it was ecstacy. The problem with such elation is the inevitable pain that follows. And once I receive a deep wound coming from that euphoric state, things are never the same for me. Sometimes it's been one big blow, and sometimes it's little cuts and gouges that never get the chance to heal, but either way the injury becomes infected and poisons me. Yes, I have been the one to break off relationships the majority of the time... but it's always after soul has been broken and left unrepaired for so long. Maybe I deserve to rot alone with this gangrenous lump in my chest....
A part of me hopes still. I have a burning in me to recapture those moments, to feel, to love. I am a romantic underneath all of it. And if someone should come along and want to unbury it, I pray that I have the strength to release all that's tied up in me, and actually let them.
Wow.
Fuck it, I'm posting this, even though rereading it makes me feel like an idiot.
VIEW 25 of 40 COMMENTS
harlot:
Haha, no problem
drrn:
TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!