Happy Hump Day everyone!
I’ve decided I’ll write my blog posts every Wednesday, so please be on the look out for them.
Today I’m going to talk about my mental health and how it effects my modeling.
A brief overview: I suffer from major depressive disorder with psychotic features (auditory hallucinations), generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and ptsd.
Let me just start by saying life is hard already, and going through life with mental disorders of any kind is a bitch! To anyone out there that suffers with a mental health disorder, or even a physical disorder, please stay strong! I know you can make it through!
Life for me is pretty much laying in bed crying with no motivation to do anything. Some days my disorders keep me up all night, sometimes it makes me want to sleep all day. Some days I barely eat, some days I eat everything in sight. It’s hard to find a balance when your brain isn’t sure what it wants.
Major depressive disorder with psychotic features.
I was first diagnosed with depression around the age of 17, although I know I’ve been suffering with it for much longer. It’s hard to find joy in almost anything, and it’s super hard to find motivation to get through life. Often times I think life would be easier if I wasn’t here, but I always push myself to keep going. The psychotic features were added in when I was 21. I hear things that aren’t really there, and I also have out of body experiences quite often. I have trouble remembering most things in my life, including my childhood. Sometimes I’ll dream or think something and not be able to tell if it was a thought or if it really happened, or sometimes, things will really happen and I think I imagined it. It makes day to day life difficult, but I’m surrounded by great friends and family who are understanding. Once I opened up about this disorder, I found it quite simple to ask them if something really happened without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I definitely think everyone needs a good support system to deal with any type of disorder. I had to cut many toxic people out of my life in order to be surrounded by positivity and people who care about me.
Generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
I was first diagnosed with GAD when I was 13, although I’ve shown symptoms of it for as long as I can remember. My anxiety makes me struggle to do normal things. It makes my heart race, and I panic that I’ll have a heart attack. It makes me feel like I can’t breath in enough oxygen. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes it hard to be around people. It makes it hard for me to get and keep a job. It makes me feel like I can’t function in society. It makes me feel overwhelmed.
The panic disorder was added when I was 17, and had my first panic attacks. I went to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I had tunnel vision, I was overheating and couldn’t cool down, I was, well, panicking! It comes out of nowhere and mine last for hours. It’s so much to deal with that when it finally does subside, I just sleep because my body is exhausted. The worst one I ever went through happened after a pretty traumatic event. I remember starting to feel really anxious and hot, so I laid down with an ice pack but I couldn’t calm down or cool down. I ended up sitting in my car with the ac on full blast, crying and shaking waiting for it to stop. It lasted about 3 hours before I finally fell asleep in the car. I’d give anything to never have to go through one that bad again.
PTSD.
Living with ptsd is probably the easiest of my struggles, although I know for a lot of people it can be the hardest. In my life I’ve been sexually harassed and even raped, on several occasions. I’ve been physically attacked by grown men. For me, dealing with the ptsd is just avoiding things and places that remind me of those situations. When I’m put in a situation that reminds me of one of those traumatic events, I have flashbacks, and I begin to panic. It feels like you’re really there reliving the scene. I’ve been able to do well though with avoiding the triggers.
Modeling.
Sure, my life is hard and I struggle with a lot, but it’s not all bad. I’ve found ways to cope and ways to survive the hard times. My biggest piece of advice for anyone struggling is to cut out the toxic people and surround yourself with positive people who want to see you succeed. It’s a game changer. Another coping skill for me though, is modeling. I have super low self esteem. I often times look at other models and think of all the things about their body that I wish I had on mine. I have cellulite, stretch marks, my stomach isn’t flat, and I’m not skinny. I struggle with self image but when I go and do a photo shoot and receive those pictures, it’s the biggest confidence boost in the world. Sharing those photos and hearing the compliments, it goes a long way for me. I don’t think modeling is a solution everyone should turn to though. It’s hard work, and you’ll have a lot of people who will put you down for showing skin. You have to be ready to embrace the stares and the name calling that comes with it. If you think you can handle that, then I say go for it! Modeling is a great self esteem boost. It helps me see that just because my body isn’t what I define as “perfect” doesn’t mean that I’m not beautiful. It’s a long process to learn to love yourself, and I can’t wait to achieve it.
This blog post is to give you an overview of what my life is like. Please don’t take pity on me, we all have our struggles. I just wanted to show you what I personally deal with and how modeling helps me get through it.
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Thank you for reading. Looking forward to writing again next Wednesday. Drop a comment and let me know what you want to hear about next week!
Love,
Salo Suicide ❤️
