Oh man... what a title... lets dive in.
6 months ago I met this girl...
Yesterday I told her it was done.
Tomorrow I will go to her house (with an escort) to pick up relationship detritus that accumulates as one hangs out over time...
I told her in a fight once... its hard to attempt to build something with someone who is more interested in numbing their feelings than experiencing them.
I told her I needed her to monitor and regulate her consumption of alcohol.
Said I couldn't watch a 5'4" 130 lb soaking wet (if shes lucky) woman... with very little to no food in her stomach... CRUSH two 42 ounce beers in 5 or 6 hours every night. 6.5%? higher? 7.7%? higher? 8.1% was scaaaaary....
Ever seen someone lick their lips anticipating a much wanted sip of water... concentrating on the liquid sloshing in their cup...
unable to stop from swaying as they try to make their arm work right
body mechanics failing
licks lips
that water is gonna be so good
as soon as
as soon as
how
how does water go in mouth?
that.
that is where i was a few nights ago.
watching someone so drunk that they lost the ability to consume liquid by ingestion through the mouth... too drunk to drink. wow.
Ever tell someone... 15? yeah... 15 times.... no. i dont want to come over tonight. I dont want you to come over. Tonight is my night. Tonight is the first night in 6 months where I'm taking a night to be alone.
A boundery right?
No.
Tonight is mine.
Tomorrow we'll talk.
how does that...
so i'm at the bar
come over
no
arguments
non acceptance
i turn and look?
shes walking in
wait? what?
she hasnt gone to the bar AT ALL in 4+ months?
she's so agoraphobic that she waits for me to come over and be emotional support before she'd go buy beer/nicotine.
so i ask
i confront a little
why shes there... is she here to see me after i told her i did not want to see her... right?
suddenly... "you said you were not coming over so i wanted to socialize"
an agoraphobic... paranoid... schizophrenic... unmedicated...
yeah.
anyway
so i say ok sure have fun i'll cya
and i grab my water and i try to ignore the fact that every time i start to move my head to the left i catch her coat moving behind corner of the building
shes asking me to talk about the relationship... at the bar... after i said i wanted to be left to myself.
so fuck this
i go home
and i start to try to relax
i breathe
and i try to enjoy MY night
right?
more texts
more times to have to say no. i dont. no thank you. no. no. no.
so...
suddenly?
i get a call from HER MOTHER
and her mother lets me know shes worried... shes been drinking... and her car is gone.
now...
i go.
hmmmmm
yeah.
i saw her drinking earlier at the bar
"what?" "what bar?"
oh.
so. wait.
shes been drinking before the bar....
at the bar shes doing beers and shots...
and i dont catch. i dont care... she coulda done... anyway
so turns out shes also doing benzos.
so.
this girl.
texts me
i'm on your porch.
and i.... am now scared.
SCARED.
now... let me tell you way and dont judge me too harsh.
i personally believe all women should have the confidence and security to know how to defend themselves against an assault.
so
unh
i trained her in some techniques.... and yeah... 8? to the face i gotta worry about at least... several more on body.
and so her mom tells me to stall? her?
and i'm on the porch. face to face.
and i tell her... "you gotta understand right now... you are NOT welcome here. peroid."
and she refuses to leave
when those headlights pull into the top of the driveway both relief... and terror
her eyes shoot poison at me, hunches her neck, shoulders slipping up and in, and i watch her going into fight or flight... and i tense.
FLIGHT
thank fuck.
her anger shifts to her parents, and once keys are taken, threats made to call sheriffs used to coerce cooperation...
and i'm gonna start to enjoy MY night
and i get that call
her mom
again
and i sit there... and try to explain to her mother JUST how out of control her daughter REALLY is... cause her mom dont know or see it.
and her mom is in control of her pills
and her mom does not know... not a clue... what a benzo is/does
just "oh those are hard to stop right?"
no... no knowledge of that nightmare hell world....
so i'm curious and i ask...
turns out she had asked her mom for extra benzos...
and her mom...
who admits to knowing nothing of what they do.
gave her a 2nd pill....
she asked for a 3rd, and the mom... thankfully declined, but when asked... "what milligram are the pills"...
she goes... "oh i dont know what the milligram means"
and i go "i used to be on 9mg of xanex a day... i know the effects of benzos by the miligram... how big are the pills?"
"oh i dont know"
and right then?
i almost lost my shit... again...
where is it now?
last night... i told her VIA TEXT (worried about attacks still... shes dangerously erratic) i had no interest in perusing a romantic relationship any longer...
asked her to gather my things together for me
told her tuesday i'd pick it up
...
what i didnt say is before i go over?
i'm calling a sheriff...
asking for a escort/backup
shes going to open the door for me, and find a officer behind... making sure peace is kept.
i plan on filing a restraining order.
i will not mess around with this....
drunk?
on benzos?
driving to my house... where i have expressly told you in no uncertain terms that you are NOT welcome...
my parents live there
sometimes my nephews and nieces sleep over...
so heres the REALLY scary shit
when she got told no... dragged home...
she STILL keeps texting begging me to come over...
no.
radio silence for a bit
suddenly shes misquoting jokes... referencing things out of context and insinuating and insinuating and insinuating and asking and insinuating....
"are you seriously calling me a pedophile right now? Get the fuck real."
The next day?
Come over.
...
no.
thats ok.