unite105

You know whats weird? adrenaline releases are fucking strange. I was at a party this evening, and there was some kind of stabbing/knife fight. I didn't see it happen and I still don't know who was involved. But I was fucking on some kind of holy jesus adrenaline kind of thing, cause now my hands are shaking pretty bad. Its always like this though, whenever soemthing happens where I have to react and its a semi to high intensity type situation, I react, I do my bit, and I do it pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. Whether its breaking up a fight or avoiding anything coming my way, its just part of "how I roll", for lack of a better descriptive modifier. I've always been fine under pressure, when my dad wrecked his motorcycle, I just reacted, there was no thought process, I just moved and did what I knew was right to do, and i was all of 12 or so. It wasn't until we actually got into the emergency room and all that jazz that I sat there and my hands started to shake.
Tonight was the same, although in a much less direct way. I wasn't in control of the situation, which amps me up a little anyway, and I was with people that I care about, which puts me in full on "protection mode" or something. There wasn't even a threat to us, but I still get like that. I have yet to figure that one out either.
I always feel responsible when I'm with people that I care about, maybe partly because i'm big and I can have the most theoretical effect on the theoretical situation. but I think I might just be hardwired that way. I'm not afraid to step up to anyone and say my piece, and would fight for any one of my friends, especially to protect them. I don't know why this is, if its just that I care that much or again, because i know I can do the most. or maybe I'm just a "protector" kind of person. It doesn't matter whether I'm just there and subtley making my presence known or stepping behind one of my friends that looks like they're gonna get themselves in trouble. I try to de-escalate the situation, I don't like fighting, I don't like other people fighting, I just like to kick back and hang out.
But when shit goes bad, I don't think. well, thats wrong, I think really really fast. And I get quiet, my sentences get shorter, I look around constantly, and I walk with more urgency. I get out of the situation, I get home or somewhere where I'm comfortable again,and my hands start to shake just a little bit, thats how I can tell how amped up I was, by how much my hands shake. weird shit.

anyways, this is way longer than I thought it was going to be, but I just kept writing. my hands aren't shaking anymore. i'm gonna sleep