unite105

i'm getting in the habit of keeping a blog on the myspace. its a shit site, but i know a shitton of people on there. I've also been in the habit of reposting said blogs here. so if you've already read this over there, go ahead and ignore it here. its a little bit of a downer too, so whatever, you know

I've been meaning to read five ish chapters worth of ancient history for this midterm I have on tuesday, but I've only managed about a half chapter between sleeping, watching sports, and the magical box that is the tivo. I shouldn't be allowed to have tv, I really shouldn't, it makes wasting time way too fucking easy. I used to waste my time on the internet, and I still do to some degree, but when no one else is wasting theirs on here, it makes it sort of dull and I get bored. so I go to the tv, the little box with the moving pictures. Or maybe I should have tv, but no cable or tivo. maybe thats the trick, if I just get network, then there's no sunday night football, and nothing outside of the network shows for me to watch. thats the ticket maybe.

my cat is chasing his tail, he hasn't done that since he was a kitten. its quite cute.

I think I watch tv to escape to some degree as well, because the amount of time i spend in front of the damn thing seems to directly correlate to how much I don't want to think about. I used to escape by reading too, but when all you really need to read is ancient history, its pretty easy to let your mind wander for a page or two and then suddenly realize you absorbed absolutely nothing about the harappan civilization.

what a brilliant segue into my next paragraph, that just kicked ass
There's plenty I'd rather not think about right now. I think I'm stuck. Stuck in a lot of aspects. I used to blame it only being stuck in salt lake, but I'm pretty sure that my location is the least of my problems. I like salt lake, its a good town. there's other towns with more stuff to do, more places to go, more people that actually drink and smoke and fight and fuck, but all in all, salt lake's a pretty damn decent city.
I'm stuck in other ways, I have a planned career that I may or may not be good at, but that I'm pursuing in hopes that I'm good enough to teach in a mediocre public high school and be underpaid. why would someone voluntarily do that? because I want to be THAT teacher, THAT coach, that person that 20 years from now, kids look back and say, you know, he really taught me a lot, not just about history but about everything. the one that kids come back to visit for a few years after they graduate. I hate to use some dumbass cliche like "I want to make a difference" but I do, I want to impact people's lives in a positive way. being in news (my first planned career) or being a lawyer (the backup if I suck ass at teaching) would not impact people in a positive way. think about it, in news, "if it bleeds, it leads" and lawyers, well, lawyers don't really make anyone's life better, except for their own, but thats only if you don't become sickeningly lonely from working 80 hour weeks.
I want to be happy, I don't need money, I just need a nice little house, with a good girl and a rewarding job. hell, I don't even really need a house, just a cabin in the woods. fuck. but isn't that what everyone "needs"? it seems like the older we get, the more we need, new car, kids, bigger house, etc.
I don't think I need all that, I really don't, more than anything, I think I just want "the love of a good woman" to use yet another cliche. this is quite the cliche ridden blog. but whatever, maybe thats me, maybe I'm the fucking cliche. just another college student with no real direction, working and going to school and living at home.
shit, maybe thats all it really is, i'm stuck at home, there's no doubt home is limiting in a lot of respects, but I'm really not financially able to move out on my own, and my inability to live with people really hinders this. I think I'll probably live with my brother after he moves out of the dorms in the summer. but thats 8 months away, a lot could happen in 8 months. I don't know. i need to get on with my life, but I just can't seem to. i'm still just fucking stuck.
so stuck, in fact, that I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the goddamn morning, procrastinating ever more, and planning to get up at 7:30. we'll see how that goes. it'd be better if I hadn't spent the last 4 hours watching tv. two of the shows were good, but the other two hours were pretty damn worthless.

such is life. half of its good, and half of it's bad, but the good half keeps you going through the bad half. its a fucking coin toss, a roll of the dice, a chance with fate. but the odds are split, you can do things to change the odds, but there's only so much.
there's a reason the divorce rate is 50%, half of the people get married to the right person, half the people don't. and they (almost) all think that they married the right person. what kind of world is that?
you've got a fifty/fifty chance at being happy, side bets abound, and the odds are always changing. It's like god is one giant casino, and he's not subject to any gambling oversight board, for obvious reasons.

the house always wins.