unholyroach

Im not sure where to begin, Im not sure where I am... mentally....

I have an overwhelming feeling of not knowing what direction to take myself or what decisions are the right ones lately. My mind is so fixated on some things that seem the wrong things and constantly pushing away the things that seem safe and smart. I think im forcing myself to make a mistake, perhaps to subconsciously teach myself a lesson or maybe because in reality it isnt a mistake its just a complicated way of going about things and we all know how much i love making my life as complicated as it can be :p

I apologize for my vagueness

I allow myself to become far too fixated on one thing or one person i grow blinders and cant see the situation from the outside looking in anymore, i think that is something i need to work on, most definitely... also my lack of skills when it comes to correct grammar... definitely need to improve that as well

I feel like i need a cataclysm in my life to break the monotony and shake things up... i feel lost in my routine, ive lost my spice and ambition. i feel even more strongly that this epic event is to happen in the form of a new person in my life, someone to intrigue me and make me want to try new things. Even more fucked up is i think i have found just this person but i find myself keeping my distance due to a chemistry i feel between us... we are so flirtatious and i feel a genuine comfort around him, however, he is committed (i think) to someone else and my pull to him is strong enough i feel my moral compass weaken around him. never have i had this be an issue before and it scares me a touch. i am not the home wrecking type and i dont look to become that but i feel myself magnetically pulled toward him. maybe its just the alcohol (jk)

This new interaction with said fellow has got the wheels turning about everything in my life, the monotony, the loneliness, the lack of... well everything... Something about our new found friendship has lit a spark in me, and for that i thank him... i have no clue what the future lies for our friendship but for now i am thankful because something about him shakes my foundation and ask for more. This is not some simple crush, this isnt just physical, its an intellectual magnetism brought on by my over analyzing and curious nature no doubt. I sound like a fucking text book.

I am curious to see how this plays out when i am forced to show my hand...