undecieved176140

I hate to be that whiny person that everyone doesn't like..because they're whiny...but I miss my best friend so much. It's been a year and 2 months since the death of my closest friend...I feel like there is nothing in the world I can do to express how I feel about that. I've tried painting, I've tried talking, I've tried listening to music and just thinking...nothing can get me over it. Instead of having dreams about the memories of us I always have nightmares of him not existing any longer. Before he died I remember him telling me how glad he was that we were such great friends and how comfortable he felt with me. We even shared a made up world together...and it's so alone now. Just how it was before I met him. The day I found out that he had died was the day that his girlfriend contacted me and told me...and I didn't believe her. When I did believe her I had no emotion at all. Nothing, not a frown no smiles...nothing. After a long while I just busted into tears and immediately began painting. His death resulted in a tumor that was on his heart...a bit of it broke off into his bloodstream and foun it's way into his brain...causing a blockage which made him brain dead. His girlfriend was on the phone with him when this happened...she said she heard him gagging and then a long beep from where he had fallen on the phone. I can't stand that thought...and it haunts me. I've never been so distant before as I am right now. I refuse to go to counseling or any other "therapy" I've been in that before...and I hate it. I guess life just goes on...and on.