And today I was walking on cement and watching the sky. The only word I could think to describe it was "polar"- but of course, that is spurious. Suddenly, without warning, there was clarity of thought for the first time in several weeks, maybe even months. Unfortunately, it was not the kind of clarity that lends itself to helping me realize what it is I want, but rather, what I do not want right now. I do not want my life to be one process of elimination after another; I want to actively pursue, to dream, to be constantly aware and in support of my surroundings.
And then again, I realized I wanted to kayak to the ends of the earth under this same dayglow sky. I wanted to bury myself in shimmering snow and have the heat of my body- oh god, I'm human!- melt it away. I wanted to explode into clouds, a starburst of skin, and be washed away by waterfalls. I wanted to scream just to hear my own voice. I wanted the affirmation that I'm alive, I'm really alive, oh lordy lord.
And at the same time, I'm hellbent on destruction, walking on wires and tripping over chain link fences.
And I want to be alone. I want to be comfortable with loneliness. I want to understand it fully, to turn it over and over and over. To paint it in every colour imaginable. Until I'm ready to let it go.
And all of this is of my own making. And I can be whatever I wish to be. And I am constantly changing.
And last night I dreamt of Halifax, and everything was oh so blue. Varying shades. It felt like I was dreaming in watercolours. I wasn't happy, though.
And.
And then again, I realized I wanted to kayak to the ends of the earth under this same dayglow sky. I wanted to bury myself in shimmering snow and have the heat of my body- oh god, I'm human!- melt it away. I wanted to explode into clouds, a starburst of skin, and be washed away by waterfalls. I wanted to scream just to hear my own voice. I wanted the affirmation that I'm alive, I'm really alive, oh lordy lord.
And at the same time, I'm hellbent on destruction, walking on wires and tripping over chain link fences.
And I want to be alone. I want to be comfortable with loneliness. I want to understand it fully, to turn it over and over and over. To paint it in every colour imaginable. Until I'm ready to let it go.
And all of this is of my own making. And I can be whatever I wish to be. And I am constantly changing.
And last night I dreamt of Halifax, and everything was oh so blue. Varying shades. It felt like I was dreaming in watercolours. I wasn't happy, though.
And.
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I have fond memories of people from my parents church borrowing my copy of it from my mother. All the comments I got back were to the effect of "interesting read". It was funny having all these devout Christians who believe in absolute truth wanting to read it because they heard that review that said, "It will make you believe in God." (Which was a ridiculous statement that was obviously not the authors intent.) But after reading it they all realized they had been flummoxed into reading an argument for relativism.
and then I found five dollars.
I'm off to take my psyc exam. I hate this class, but it's the easiest exam i'm going to take.
And hi.