A short story:
Plant man
So on all the major networks, the TV was blazing about the plant man. It was simple enough to see why, since, well, he was a fucking Plant man! I mean he looked like a bevy of compressed different shades of lettuce in to a man form, and then let it grow a bit more. His face though was distinctly human, in shape, like you could really recognize him, because it was the kind of face you can assign, and say, if it wasn't for the fact he was a walking intelligent plant, "I've seen him before"
So now people wanted to talk to him, and approach him, but it seems the plant man, was a bit savvy, somehow, about marketing him and such. So he got himself a very good Jew lawyer. When he asked for one, and he simply, "Who else"
Now Arabs didn't like him for this.
So he started getting contract up, but the networks had one problem; Plant Man was naked, all the time. He came out naked, but at the time he had some mud and refuge over his genital. Now, into the executive board room, or one the 5 big networks, surrounded by all the top executive who make those horrible shows you flip the channel and wonder "what the fuck were they thinking", stood this big Spinach looking fellow, with a cucumber schlong telling them his needs on the contract. They were halfway through the "What color M&M's" part when somebody finally said, "What are we going too do about his green cock?"
Of course, they could have phrased that better, like 'What are we going to do about his nudity" or maybe better yet "How about wearing a suit? but since the huge green cock seemingly was taking the air out of the room, this is what was a spilt.
After many of the lesser executives made noises like as if they were talking, the five Heads looked to each other and started discussing what could happen. Soon a tailor was sent in, and even though Plant Man was still more concerned about the toy deals and the cut from it, everyone wanted to dress his cock. He had to explain that he was nude for one reason: photosynthesis. He had to be naked so that he could get, light, plain and simple. Did they ever see him eat? Nope. Only driving a whole case of bottled waters in one sitting, yes they had seen that.
They all shook their heads like they knew what the fuck photosynthesis was.
photosynthesis (ft-snth-ss) n. The process in green plants and certain other organisms by which carbohydrates are synthesized from carbon dioxide and water using light as an energy source. Most forms of photosynthesis release oxygen as a byproduct.
After taking question and everyone still pretending to know what he was talking about, Plant man closed his eyes, and seemed to be taking a shit a in the middle of the board.
While doing so, one secretary left to masturbate to him in the bathroom.
Before their eyes, like some sort of fucking backwards animation, his big green hog retracted back into his body and soon covered by what seemed to be a fern like structure. They later said it be better if it had been some leaves since now it looked like he had a big hairy snatch.
Right then, Marcus form accounting thought "What the fuck does he need a penus for? but that thought went away, because if it wasn't for that, well, how the fuck do you call him Plant MAN?
3 weeks later, during sweeps, and after the latest reality show craze was gone, Plant man was up everyones ass, like sort Brazilian river bug, and people couldn't get enough. He was perfect. He hit every type of show, and was able to touch every audience. Since he didn't need sleep, just sunlight and water, he worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week, going to any and all interviews going on. He had morning children show, hit every talk show, had late night show, and even cooking show, which people watched just to see him grow whatever plant there having out of his body and cook it.
He was popular in the intellectual circuit, also, and not since the teen-bop Dalai Lama craze had people been so willing to listen to somebody like total vapid assholes.
Home depot had record sales in their plant section that season; everyone now wanted to have green thumbs. At schools around the country Arbor Day said fuck you to Earth Day. Environmentalist were hailed as right for once and started to be listened to. Plant man did car commecials soon, for economic cars, the whole time, the "Small penus" population of the country winced as they saw their huge wrecker of a vehicle go the way of the dinosaur. More people were vegetarian thought at the same time; people were confused since they didn't know it that would piss Plant man off.
But there was the problem, Plant man never got mad... or happy, or fucking anything, he just kind of did what he needed to do and that's it. He didn't aspire to nothing really. He worked what ever he could as best as he could but not too much else. He figured that whatever chances he had at something he could do it. What else was there to do? People were boggled by that.
One time, on the set of "Lettuce Show Yu", his hit comedy show about him being dorm mates with a Takashi Yu, a foreign exchange student in a new American University, one of the lights came and touched Plant man while reading a script. While everyone went over the scene, the smell of burning crept on all of them and there before them was plant man half on fire, still reading his lines perfectly. Everyone screamed and yelped and one of the crew doused him with water. He looked surprised at them, like as if they were seeing something he hadn't seen. They pointed at his head that was half gone now, and he walked over to a "mirror" to get a "look".
He gasped.
Plant never had Gasped before. Ever. What the fuck for, he was a plant constantly breathing air!
He ran out of the studio, and taking his Performance red Mazzerati, he sped out of the studio fast, with nowhere to go, since he never bought a fucking house or anything.
Plant ended up at the house of his Jew Lawyer. They debated most of the night as to what was the problem. After that, he accounts of plant man, was far and wide different in every way, but from what could read from the will of Jew Lawyer 36 years after dying form congenital heart failure, was this:
"Plant man, with his infinite amounts of money, bought a plane to the jungles of Brazil. Blazing the sky as fast as he could he soon jump off, somewhere over the depth of the Amazon Jungle? His Lawyer tried to stop him throwing away his career, but Plant Man had slapped him down pretty hard, in his desperation for self preservation."
The Arabs now liked him.
Years after that, it would attested that yes, plant man had a huge green cucumber cock, but now one recalls seeing any balls.
Plant man
So on all the major networks, the TV was blazing about the plant man. It was simple enough to see why, since, well, he was a fucking Plant man! I mean he looked like a bevy of compressed different shades of lettuce in to a man form, and then let it grow a bit more. His face though was distinctly human, in shape, like you could really recognize him, because it was the kind of face you can assign, and say, if it wasn't for the fact he was a walking intelligent plant, "I've seen him before"
So now people wanted to talk to him, and approach him, but it seems the plant man, was a bit savvy, somehow, about marketing him and such. So he got himself a very good Jew lawyer. When he asked for one, and he simply, "Who else"
Now Arabs didn't like him for this.
So he started getting contract up, but the networks had one problem; Plant Man was naked, all the time. He came out naked, but at the time he had some mud and refuge over his genital. Now, into the executive board room, or one the 5 big networks, surrounded by all the top executive who make those horrible shows you flip the channel and wonder "what the fuck were they thinking", stood this big Spinach looking fellow, with a cucumber schlong telling them his needs on the contract. They were halfway through the "What color M&M's" part when somebody finally said, "What are we going too do about his green cock?"
Of course, they could have phrased that better, like 'What are we going to do about his nudity" or maybe better yet "How about wearing a suit? but since the huge green cock seemingly was taking the air out of the room, this is what was a spilt.
After many of the lesser executives made noises like as if they were talking, the five Heads looked to each other and started discussing what could happen. Soon a tailor was sent in, and even though Plant Man was still more concerned about the toy deals and the cut from it, everyone wanted to dress his cock. He had to explain that he was nude for one reason: photosynthesis. He had to be naked so that he could get, light, plain and simple. Did they ever see him eat? Nope. Only driving a whole case of bottled waters in one sitting, yes they had seen that.
They all shook their heads like they knew what the fuck photosynthesis was.
photosynthesis (ft-snth-ss) n. The process in green plants and certain other organisms by which carbohydrates are synthesized from carbon dioxide and water using light as an energy source. Most forms of photosynthesis release oxygen as a byproduct.
After taking question and everyone still pretending to know what he was talking about, Plant man closed his eyes, and seemed to be taking a shit a in the middle of the board.
While doing so, one secretary left to masturbate to him in the bathroom.
Before their eyes, like some sort of fucking backwards animation, his big green hog retracted back into his body and soon covered by what seemed to be a fern like structure. They later said it be better if it had been some leaves since now it looked like he had a big hairy snatch.
Right then, Marcus form accounting thought "What the fuck does he need a penus for? but that thought went away, because if it wasn't for that, well, how the fuck do you call him Plant MAN?
3 weeks later, during sweeps, and after the latest reality show craze was gone, Plant man was up everyones ass, like sort Brazilian river bug, and people couldn't get enough. He was perfect. He hit every type of show, and was able to touch every audience. Since he didn't need sleep, just sunlight and water, he worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week, going to any and all interviews going on. He had morning children show, hit every talk show, had late night show, and even cooking show, which people watched just to see him grow whatever plant there having out of his body and cook it.
He was popular in the intellectual circuit, also, and not since the teen-bop Dalai Lama craze had people been so willing to listen to somebody like total vapid assholes.
Home depot had record sales in their plant section that season; everyone now wanted to have green thumbs. At schools around the country Arbor Day said fuck you to Earth Day. Environmentalist were hailed as right for once and started to be listened to. Plant man did car commecials soon, for economic cars, the whole time, the "Small penus" population of the country winced as they saw their huge wrecker of a vehicle go the way of the dinosaur. More people were vegetarian thought at the same time; people were confused since they didn't know it that would piss Plant man off.
But there was the problem, Plant man never got mad... or happy, or fucking anything, he just kind of did what he needed to do and that's it. He didn't aspire to nothing really. He worked what ever he could as best as he could but not too much else. He figured that whatever chances he had at something he could do it. What else was there to do? People were boggled by that.
One time, on the set of "Lettuce Show Yu", his hit comedy show about him being dorm mates with a Takashi Yu, a foreign exchange student in a new American University, one of the lights came and touched Plant man while reading a script. While everyone went over the scene, the smell of burning crept on all of them and there before them was plant man half on fire, still reading his lines perfectly. Everyone screamed and yelped and one of the crew doused him with water. He looked surprised at them, like as if they were seeing something he hadn't seen. They pointed at his head that was half gone now, and he walked over to a "mirror" to get a "look".
He gasped.
Plant never had Gasped before. Ever. What the fuck for, he was a plant constantly breathing air!
He ran out of the studio, and taking his Performance red Mazzerati, he sped out of the studio fast, with nowhere to go, since he never bought a fucking house or anything.
Plant ended up at the house of his Jew Lawyer. They debated most of the night as to what was the problem. After that, he accounts of plant man, was far and wide different in every way, but from what could read from the will of Jew Lawyer 36 years after dying form congenital heart failure, was this:
"Plant man, with his infinite amounts of money, bought a plane to the jungles of Brazil. Blazing the sky as fast as he could he soon jump off, somewhere over the depth of the Amazon Jungle? His Lawyer tried to stop him throwing away his career, but Plant Man had slapped him down pretty hard, in his desperation for self preservation."
The Arabs now liked him.
Years after that, it would attested that yes, plant man had a huge green cucumber cock, but now one recalls seeing any balls.
I like it when Arbor Day gives it to Earth Day.