Is it so hard to find a friend......no a true friend, a friend that would not only kill for you but would die for you as well.....I feel I am this type of friend everyday but to everybody.....and I don't feel ......well I don't feel.....I just know its the right thing to do for another....I mean I have friends.....but a man named Napolean once said that "People will fight for their own interests harder than for their own rights"....this is the case with my friends.... 
I've come to realize this and let it go...seeing that this is just the way of things and I can't force a person to change....nor can I show them the error of their ways.....it itches every now and again....I'll think....I have nothing in common with them...which is true, besides the fact that we hang out with each other, drink beer together, go to shows together....but ..ummm this is it...You know that scene in The Good Son with little Maculy Culkin? when his mother has him and Bilbo Baggins hanging over the cliff and she has to let one go....I feel like Culkin every time and I'm the one thats going to be dropped, by the one person that I would think I could trust the most....Which any issues with my mother or father are a whole different story no one wants to hear any way....All I have is myself and thats all I can depend on....I mean sure I have family and Im sure they "care"....but I don't mean that much to them.....honestly...Im not crying over lack of attention, or am I gonna go psycho due to abandonment issues....I will always have myself....No one wants in here and I won't let them anyway....even if I was to meet that "special girl" and we somehow end up for the rest of our lives together....I'm still going to only have me....Does this sound selfish? Am I a pile of self loathing? I don't know...I've never had a best friend...Does this just happen to people sometimes in this world? I mean doesn't at one point everyone have a best friend and then they either die, or they get in an argument over a girl? I've known from the start of elementary to the first semester of college....I was alone....it hurts sometimes but I think it would hurt more to lose something like that more....but I'll never know.....either way....we all die alone 
But on a fantastic note of the first anual spoil me holiday....I found a motorcycle I'm in love with (heh who said they needed a girl friend?) and I should get it Friday and I will ride and ride until I fall off the edge of the earth....or until I get pulled over or killed on it which ever comes first....but the whole drive off the edge thing sounded good didn't it?
I've come to realize this and let it go...seeing that this is just the way of things and I can't force a person to change....nor can I show them the error of their ways.....it itches every now and again....I'll think....I have nothing in common with them...which is true, besides the fact that we hang out with each other, drink beer together, go to shows together....but ..ummm this is it...You know that scene in The Good Son with little Maculy Culkin? when his mother has him and Bilbo Baggins hanging over the cliff and she has to let one go....I feel like Culkin every time and I'm the one thats going to be dropped, by the one person that I would think I could trust the most....Which any issues with my mother or father are a whole different story no one wants to hear any way....All I have is myself and thats all I can depend on....I mean sure I have family and Im sure they "care"....but I don't mean that much to them.....honestly...Im not crying over lack of attention, or am I gonna go psycho due to abandonment issues....I will always have myself....No one wants in here and I won't let them anyway....even if I was to meet that "special girl" and we somehow end up for the rest of our lives together....I'm still going to only have me....Does this sound selfish? Am I a pile of self loathing? I don't know...I've never had a best friend...Does this just happen to people sometimes in this world? I mean doesn't at one point everyone have a best friend and then they either die, or they get in an argument over a girl? I've known from the start of elementary to the first semester of college....I was alone....it hurts sometimes but I think it would hurt more to lose something like that more....but I'll never know.....either way....we all die alone But on a fantastic note of the first anual spoil me holiday....I found a motorcycle I'm in love with (heh who said they needed a girl friend?) and I should get it Friday and I will ride and ride until I fall off the edge of the earth....or until I get pulled over or killed on it which ever comes first....but the whole drive off the edge thing sounded good didn't it?
People only see what thay want to, they look at parts and pieces and and create their own idea of who you are despite the person in front of them. You are right in that all you have is yourself and that concept is very hard for me to deal with...I accept it but deep down it frightens me to the core and I feel immediately reduced back into a child lost in the woods.
I'm going to do something very out of character for me because I never recommend music but I came apon a song last night that I haven't herd in years and although you may totally hate the band (I'm not crazy about them) please endulge my odd belief in things happening for a reason and try to look it up it's Holding on by VNV nation off of their Solitary album. I'm serious You will never see me again suggest music and I really don't know why I'm doing it know but I am.
{{{hugs}}}