I am sitting at home right now, JD, Kat, and Brandon are here. We are all watching The Return of the King: Extended Edition. Kat has never seen it before.
I am talking to people online right now. There is this girl I have been talking to online, Brandi. I used to talk to her a lot a long time ago, but our constant online flirting freaked Kim out and there was a big tussle about that.
Anyway, she was telling me about this guy that came over to hang out with her tonight. They ended up sleeping together and all that jazz. A pretty normal conversation for me to have with my online friends. Oddly enough. But I ended up getting really depressed. I started talking about how I wished I could just get some that easy. I mean, it is weird for me not to be in a steady relationship. Since the time I have started dating I have been dating non-stop. That is like 3 years of steady sex.
I know it sounds shallow to say it, but I really miss it. I enjoy sex, it makes me feel good, it improves my attitude and gives me a better outlook on life.
It is just depressing for me these days. I don't really want a girlfriend, but I feel bad about just having sex buddies. Its not like I could even have sex buddies if I wanted to. But if I did want to, I think I would feel bad about it. I know I shouldn't feel bad about that, nobody should ever feel bad about having sex unless they force it on someone. I guess my protective upbringing laid some seed in my mind to make me feel guilt for such a thing, and that really sucks. Because now I don't even try to have sex with somebody unless I am 'dating' them.
Which leads me to another point. I feel really terrible about something I am doing to somebody. I am leading this other girl on, she thinks we are officially dating or what not, and I don't think we really are. I guess it is all a matter of sematics. When I date someone I don't think of that as an exclusive relationship. I consider that just dating. You can date more that one person at a time, there is nothing wrong with that. But when she looks at us dating she sees this exclusive relationship. She has actually gotten sad about me flirting with girls online, and that bothers me.
In the end I feel like she is a little 'too' into me. Which is sad, because right at the moment I think she is the only person seriously interested in having anything to do with me. But I can't bring myself to continue leading on a person like this and making them believe I want to be with them. I really can't picture myself with her at all. I mean, most people I end up falling for pretty quickly. So far I have no feelings for this girl at all. And that is even after some heavy making out. I just wish I knew how to let her down, I am bad at that.
Then there is the new Kim. Kim Church. She leads me on a lot, flirts with me heavily. But she has a boyfriend. I know I shouldn't let that bother me, since it would be her choice if anything happens there. But I can't tell if she actually likes me, or if she likes that feeling of being dirty and mischevious. I think it is the latter. I mean, her SN is KinkyKim, that is her nickname with her friends as well. So she must have gotten it from somewhere. And some girls just like the feeling of doing things wrong. I don't want to be used in that way, but I think at this point I would take it. Why not, right? It sure wouldn't hurt me any.
Hmm, I think that is enough for the first post. I hope you all liked it. (If anyone ever adds me as a friend that is lol)
I am talking to people online right now. There is this girl I have been talking to online, Brandi. I used to talk to her a lot a long time ago, but our constant online flirting freaked Kim out and there was a big tussle about that.
Anyway, she was telling me about this guy that came over to hang out with her tonight. They ended up sleeping together and all that jazz. A pretty normal conversation for me to have with my online friends. Oddly enough. But I ended up getting really depressed. I started talking about how I wished I could just get some that easy. I mean, it is weird for me not to be in a steady relationship. Since the time I have started dating I have been dating non-stop. That is like 3 years of steady sex.
I know it sounds shallow to say it, but I really miss it. I enjoy sex, it makes me feel good, it improves my attitude and gives me a better outlook on life.
It is just depressing for me these days. I don't really want a girlfriend, but I feel bad about just having sex buddies. Its not like I could even have sex buddies if I wanted to. But if I did want to, I think I would feel bad about it. I know I shouldn't feel bad about that, nobody should ever feel bad about having sex unless they force it on someone. I guess my protective upbringing laid some seed in my mind to make me feel guilt for such a thing, and that really sucks. Because now I don't even try to have sex with somebody unless I am 'dating' them.
Which leads me to another point. I feel really terrible about something I am doing to somebody. I am leading this other girl on, she thinks we are officially dating or what not, and I don't think we really are. I guess it is all a matter of sematics. When I date someone I don't think of that as an exclusive relationship. I consider that just dating. You can date more that one person at a time, there is nothing wrong with that. But when she looks at us dating she sees this exclusive relationship. She has actually gotten sad about me flirting with girls online, and that bothers me.
In the end I feel like she is a little 'too' into me. Which is sad, because right at the moment I think she is the only person seriously interested in having anything to do with me. But I can't bring myself to continue leading on a person like this and making them believe I want to be with them. I really can't picture myself with her at all. I mean, most people I end up falling for pretty quickly. So far I have no feelings for this girl at all. And that is even after some heavy making out. I just wish I knew how to let her down, I am bad at that.
Then there is the new Kim. Kim Church. She leads me on a lot, flirts with me heavily. But she has a boyfriend. I know I shouldn't let that bother me, since it would be her choice if anything happens there. But I can't tell if she actually likes me, or if she likes that feeling of being dirty and mischevious. I think it is the latter. I mean, her SN is KinkyKim, that is her nickname with her friends as well. So she must have gotten it from somewhere. And some girls just like the feeling of doing things wrong. I don't want to be used in that way, but I think at this point I would take it. Why not, right? It sure wouldn't hurt me any.
Hmm, I think that is enough for the first post. I hope you all liked it. (If anyone ever adds me as a friend that is lol)
I dont know .. I feel like we are strangers. We've drifted, and I dont know if Im ready for this kind of commitment yet.
I mean, it's a big step. And this is why the Gods created the BookMark tab.
Maybe later .. when Im more comfortable and I feel like we really bonded, Ill be ready for this jump. =)