I am searching for the resolve to steer my life in a better direction. I've been wandering aimlessly for years. Even picking a direction at random and sticking to it would be an improvement. Unless that direction is off a short pier. Although swimming is fun...
One thing I've been think of is truly embracing bachelorhood, instead of moping over all the love I'm not getting. Love stinks, and generally ends in misery. Some are cut out for it, but I'm too "unique" to ever find a true match. Even among women as "unique" as myself. They're the only ones I find interesting, and they have too many jagged edges, the difficulties involved in finding common ground without killing each other in the process is simply staggering. And I'm getting more and more set in my ways as I get older, unwilling to give up my moments of solitude. It's not such a bad thing. I can be happy on my own, to a degree. Not perfectly happy, but true misery is generally brought on by other people, as any married person will tell you. I don't need anyone else. I can play with other people's children, flirt with other people's girlfriends and wives, and sex can be paid for if I ever get desperate enough. Though I often find sex is over-rated as well. I don't think I've ever had a truly satisfying sexual experience, except when it is inside my own mind. I'm far too introverted for my own good--the real world just isn't real enough for me. I need my fantasies to make me feel real.
I don't know. Dark thoughts, but new ones, which is better than tossing around the same old stale ones. I'll find my way eventually, a direction to wander into blindly. It's what I do. I don't know where I'm going, but it's got to be better than where I am...
One thing I've been think of is truly embracing bachelorhood, instead of moping over all the love I'm not getting. Love stinks, and generally ends in misery. Some are cut out for it, but I'm too "unique" to ever find a true match. Even among women as "unique" as myself. They're the only ones I find interesting, and they have too many jagged edges, the difficulties involved in finding common ground without killing each other in the process is simply staggering. And I'm getting more and more set in my ways as I get older, unwilling to give up my moments of solitude. It's not such a bad thing. I can be happy on my own, to a degree. Not perfectly happy, but true misery is generally brought on by other people, as any married person will tell you. I don't need anyone else. I can play with other people's children, flirt with other people's girlfriends and wives, and sex can be paid for if I ever get desperate enough. Though I often find sex is over-rated as well. I don't think I've ever had a truly satisfying sexual experience, except when it is inside my own mind. I'm far too introverted for my own good--the real world just isn't real enough for me. I need my fantasies to make me feel real.
I don't know. Dark thoughts, but new ones, which is better than tossing around the same old stale ones. I'll find my way eventually, a direction to wander into blindly. It's what I do. I don't know where I'm going, but it's got to be better than where I am...