twolf79

I hate trying to befriend new people. I'm so fricking awkward about it that I just end up alienating myself. As usual. *sigh*. Recent situations and such. Noticing how few friends I really have, and how few like hangout buddies (hangout buddy, can hang out and have fun together, but not the person you want to call when you need help of some kind other than maybe moving heavy boxes/furniture). And my 3 closest friends are all on different ends of the country pretty much. Well. Hell. They are. lol. One in Ft. Lauderdale, one in San Diego, and one in middle of Kansas. This town: umm.... no real friends, just a very very small handful of hangout buddies, that usually our schedules don't intersect much to even be able to chill. Quality > Quantity. Any day. But still........ Trying to talk to new people. No clue. Not one to break the ice usually as I'm too petrified most the time. Brain starts jumping all over the place that my thoughts get scattered and jumbled. So I just end up making others feel awkward and uncomfortable with the random crap I do manage to get out of my mouth. So many barriers. Some I created myself. Others, well, that's history and genetics rolled into one. So ya, it all just sucks and is kinda getting on my nerves lately. It makes me depressed when end up thinking about it, which in turn just makes me angry because I hate when I get depressed like that over shit I just can't seem to help. Yes in counseling and take multiple medications for my problems, but they only go so far. Plenty of days I kind of feel like giving up, just becoming a full-time hermit. But for as much as I hate society and most people, I still need to be around people. Just would be nice, to be able to ....