I am so fucking tired of crying. It seems like everything is making me cry right now....cancer patients that i don't know to the stupid ex.
I really want to rant about the ex right now.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I started sleeping with the ex again, about a year ago. He was still married and living with his wife, she was the one that broke us up. Well after they split he started dating someone else with a kid. We didn't talk for awhile again. Then out of the blue he text me to come fuck him again. That started us hanging out again and for me this happened at a very vulnerable time because my best male friend who I love dearly left for basic training. So I sorta let the void be filled by the horrible ex. Where I was not sleeping with the friend though I was sleeping with the ex, And at some point I got attached again. Now I feel like I am broken, and miserable. Because just when I thought he was getting close to me again. He breaks out that he is still seeing the other girl with the kid and he would rather kill himself then to do anything to hurt that child. Now I understand not wanting to hurt this child but he has been cheating on her mother, with me at least, For MONTHS. and honestly I almost wish he would just end it so I could move on with my life (because I am a selfish bitch i guess) I feel so stupid because he was emotional and physically abusive in the past and I walked right back into it. so here i sit alone feeling stupid, lonely, bitter, ugly, and miserable. I can't explain how I feel to anyone adequately with out being interrupted or basically shut up.
I am not fishing for complements or anything. I am just......I don't know....depressed, and I have not felt this way in a long time. Not since I met my best male friend that is in basic right now. So logic states I should loose the ex and try to contact the friend that is a good person that actually care about me. That leads me to the other side of this state which is, I have written my friend twice and I haven't heard back from him. I know that this sounds crazy but I am afraid I am never going to hear from him again, and that just makes me sad. I am afraid that I care way more for him than he does for me, and honestly since he is one of the best people I have ever me in my life I don't want to lose him.
Now that I got all the boy drama out of my system I suppose I want to vent about the rest of my life. I really feel like I am just spinning my wheels. Well that is because I am. I haven't started back to school yet, I am working two jobs still and I barely have enough money for gas and my car payment, and I have one of the least expensive car payments out there. I've recently been extremely bummed out that I can't afford to move out of my parents house.I am 25 about to turn 26 the only one of my friends (other than the afore mentioned "male friend") that isn't engaged with kids or married with kids. I am having a hard time meeting new people my age that are single. I feel like I am suffocating in a small town trap. I just want to meet people that are on the same page as me mentally. I just feel so afraid of making a fool of myself, how silly does it sound to be shy on the internet even? 
I just wish i didn't work with mostly middle aged or retirement aged women, they are defiantly a trip lol, they have interesting drama talking about themselves. blah I don't feel so inspired to write anything anymore. so I'll let this little drag of a blog be it for the time being.
well bottoms up fuck it. 
