So, I seriously have issues working with the special needs kids. Today one of my least favorite one pinned me in my seat and started trying to touch my face, which is one of my pet peeves don't touch my face and don't pin me anywhere. This job has made me physically ill more than once, and I hate it. I should be clear, I don't hate the kids, I just hate that I am the one that has to deal with it. I suppose that I have been very sheltered in the fact that I haven't had to be around any one "special" in my life. Kids in my family tend to be "gifted" if anything other than average.
I think the real kicker as I was going over medical papers for my students today was that some of them where classified as "mildly retarded" and there isn't anything wrong with that but some of the students that where in the same class where only diagnosed with A.D.D. It sorta surprised me and shocked me. Growing up I was misdiagnosed with ADD and the school system basically told my parent that I start taking meds or end up in these classes. Keep in mind that I was testing college level on quite a few of my standardized tests. So I started taking the meds which kick stared my depressive behavior, which led to more pills, more doctors, more clinics, more bullshit from teachers who didn't have a doctorate that thought they could just feed me more pills and I would shut up.
So I was cutting by middle school. Which my therapist though was okay, because I was fine. Now I'm off all meds the Ridilin and the anti-depressents, I refuse to take anything but antibiotics. I don't know I just sorta realized how fucked up the school system is out here and how it's ruining kids lives because it has no tolerance unless you sit down and shut up. and all of this has me up late yet again, and I've been really depressed lately, again, as well. I haven't really felt like this since high school which is bull shit. Mostly I can talk myself down from anything, but as I was going to sleep the other night I really just had the urge to just cut my wrists, now obviously I knew how absurd that would be and did no such thing. Yet the image in my mind of me doing it was so clear and so vivid that my wrist started to feel numb and I had to tuck it up under my body. I end up going off to sleep, but I still keep feeling super depressed and just, Idk I don't want to deal with this, I don't have time to be this stupid, so I've tired to fill my time reading books and other shit. I guess I haven't really talked to anyone about how I'm feeling because I don't think any of my friends can help me, and I don't want to worry them because it'll probably pass, I just wanna I guess get it out of me,
I've tired everything to hide it and i'm sure I'm doing a good job, I find that If I feel like I've been frowning for to long I'll make myself smile. The overall alone time, well it's not so much that I am alone its just that I don't get to spend time with people that i enjoy, rather I have to spend time around people that really don't get me and they are the worst kind of people. catty, backstabbing, bitter, old ladies. they are just so icky.
Plus I've found out that I can't take any classes this quarter because none of the classes sync up with this job that is making me crazy. OH MY GOD I HATE THIS JOB.
and it's all my fault that I'm in this place and can't get out because my dumb ass signed the contract and I have to work this demon job until the end of the school year. otherwise i would just quit.
fuck me,
also I can't even smoke a blunt to chill out
because i'm working for the state and they drug test, I need a drink
also i've not had a cigarette in like 4 days I need one with my drink.
clean and sober living makes me want to skin people alive. I don't do that though
also my dumpster cat is sick and idk what to do because I can't afford to take him to the vet because it's just the cat I feed outside of the other job that I have but he's in really bad shape.I love my dumpster cat and he is gonna die in the worst way. but I have to think of my home pets they are sickly as well and I am already buying there heart meds. shit and I am also sick of being flat broke because I can't even afford my contacts.
wow that was a lot of bitching, but I feel like 10 times better now. yay for rambling on and on.
till my next rambling bitch fest.
TKF
I think the real kicker as I was going over medical papers for my students today was that some of them where classified as "mildly retarded" and there isn't anything wrong with that but some of the students that where in the same class where only diagnosed with A.D.D. It sorta surprised me and shocked me. Growing up I was misdiagnosed with ADD and the school system basically told my parent that I start taking meds or end up in these classes. Keep in mind that I was testing college level on quite a few of my standardized tests. So I started taking the meds which kick stared my depressive behavior, which led to more pills, more doctors, more clinics, more bullshit from teachers who didn't have a doctorate that thought they could just feed me more pills and I would shut up.
So I was cutting by middle school. Which my therapist though was okay, because I was fine. Now I'm off all meds the Ridilin and the anti-depressents, I refuse to take anything but antibiotics. I don't know I just sorta realized how fucked up the school system is out here and how it's ruining kids lives because it has no tolerance unless you sit down and shut up. and all of this has me up late yet again, and I've been really depressed lately, again, as well. I haven't really felt like this since high school which is bull shit. Mostly I can talk myself down from anything, but as I was going to sleep the other night I really just had the urge to just cut my wrists, now obviously I knew how absurd that would be and did no such thing. Yet the image in my mind of me doing it was so clear and so vivid that my wrist started to feel numb and I had to tuck it up under my body. I end up going off to sleep, but I still keep feeling super depressed and just, Idk I don't want to deal with this, I don't have time to be this stupid, so I've tired to fill my time reading books and other shit. I guess I haven't really talked to anyone about how I'm feeling because I don't think any of my friends can help me, and I don't want to worry them because it'll probably pass, I just wanna I guess get it out of me,
I've tired everything to hide it and i'm sure I'm doing a good job, I find that If I feel like I've been frowning for to long I'll make myself smile. The overall alone time, well it's not so much that I am alone its just that I don't get to spend time with people that i enjoy, rather I have to spend time around people that really don't get me and they are the worst kind of people. catty, backstabbing, bitter, old ladies. they are just so icky.
Plus I've found out that I can't take any classes this quarter because none of the classes sync up with this job that is making me crazy. OH MY GOD I HATE THIS JOB.
and it's all my fault that I'm in this place and can't get out because my dumb ass signed the contract and I have to work this demon job until the end of the school year. otherwise i would just quit.
fuck me,
also I can't even smoke a blunt to chill out
because i'm working for the state and they drug test, I need a drink
also i've not had a cigarette in like 4 days I need one with my drink.
clean and sober living makes me want to skin people alive. I don't do that though
also my dumpster cat is sick and idk what to do because I can't afford to take him to the vet because it's just the cat I feed outside of the other job that I have but he's in really bad shape.I love my dumpster cat and he is gonna die in the worst way. but I have to think of my home pets they are sickly as well and I am already buying there heart meds. shit and I am also sick of being flat broke because I can't even afford my contacts.
wow that was a lot of bitching, but I feel like 10 times better now. yay for rambling on and on.
till my next rambling bitch fest.
TKF
Naturally I've had a bit of a thing about 'special' people ever since.
I look forward to more drunken escapades!