This will be boring....just some stream of consciousness ranting:
I thought it was gone, forever. Finally out of my system. I went from thinking about it everyday to every week to every month to hardly at all. It was only out of sight out of mind. 5 years later it returned out of fucking nowhere and it's encompassed me again...a year now....and more than before. How can something I know nothing about have become such a major part of my life? How do I explain this to people I care about when I finally wake up and realize that it's all just a derranged fantasy? Why do I continue to endulge myself? I keep picking at it hoping it would endulge me back....and sometimes it does....god what a high. I make up their lives to accomidate mine. It's a drug that has crippled my everyday existance. It's something that gives me feeling...extreme feeling. Few things do that for me. In reality, there is no basis for these feelings. Do you ever sit around and wonder how fucked up you are compared to others? I do it all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'd be pretty high on that list. Perhaps just below schitzo. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic. It's not like I know how other people think....seeing as how I rarely even talk to them. Atleast I'm rational. Atleast I realize this "it" is a fantasy and something I need to get away from....reguardless of how long it will take to actually stop endulging in "it". The longer I stay trapped in this, the longer life goes on around me and without me. Though, it is definatly a bi-product of some greater problems. Self-indulgence in others makes me ill, which is such hypocrisy, because I am toxically self-indulgent. I gotta get away from here.
I thought it was gone, forever. Finally out of my system. I went from thinking about it everyday to every week to every month to hardly at all. It was only out of sight out of mind. 5 years later it returned out of fucking nowhere and it's encompassed me again...a year now....and more than before. How can something I know nothing about have become such a major part of my life? How do I explain this to people I care about when I finally wake up and realize that it's all just a derranged fantasy? Why do I continue to endulge myself? I keep picking at it hoping it would endulge me back....and sometimes it does....god what a high. I make up their lives to accomidate mine. It's a drug that has crippled my everyday existance. It's something that gives me feeling...extreme feeling. Few things do that for me. In reality, there is no basis for these feelings. Do you ever sit around and wonder how fucked up you are compared to others? I do it all the time. Sometimes I feel like I'd be pretty high on that list. Perhaps just below schitzo. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic. It's not like I know how other people think....seeing as how I rarely even talk to them. Atleast I'm rational. Atleast I realize this "it" is a fantasy and something I need to get away from....reguardless of how long it will take to actually stop endulging in "it". The longer I stay trapped in this, the longer life goes on around me and without me. Though, it is definatly a bi-product of some greater problems. Self-indulgence in others makes me ill, which is such hypocrisy, because I am toxically self-indulgent. I gotta get away from here.
recently i believe it's the latter. .so , i've put myself in a do or die situation . . (not literally) but financially.
the way i see it. . there's so little caring going around these days . . self-indulgence ain't that bad an option. .
but i live in a dream world . .
where i can't understand , why just being me , isn't enough