twasbrillig

Can't sleep. Guess I'll update.

Life, for the past week, has been nothing but school and work.

I feel the need to vent. Why not do it now. If you don't give a shit about my mysery and were looking for a witty and/or insightful journal entry (like I've ever written one of those ), I suggest you click away now.

Let me tell you (whoever "you" are) a little about myself. I'm a mental case. I worry about every little thing. I get embarassed very easily. I dwell on things I have said that few people would dwell on, unless they were a mental case like myself. There are things I said or did in high school, little miniscule things, that I still dwell on. Obviously this is a problem that I recognize. I say to myself, "stop dwelling on stupid bullshit" and "why give a fuck what people think?". But that doesn't mean I listen to myself. It's this reason that I have trouble talking to people (as I've mentioned before). I'm so scared to say something stupid that I say nothing at all. I try really hard to talk to people, but when I do I get so nervous that my mind goes blank. I know many people have trouble public speaking...the heart starts racing, the mind goes blank, the face turns red....well this is me when I talk to anyone. My lack of communication skills has led me to a world of solitude. I have one friend that I've known forever that I hang out with once in a blue moon. This friend occasionally connects me with other life forms as well. I hang out with my sister every now and then. But that's about it. It's mostly just me. I've learned that when you spend a lot of time with yourself and only yourself that you think so much about who you are that who you are becomes a muddled mess. I've been in college for 4 years and I still don't know what I want to study. I've changed my major 4 times and I'm considering changing it again. I'll be in school forever and I'll be paying for it forever and then some. When I get out of college I may not even be able to find a decent job because, remember, social retard.

Since I'm being completely honest about myself, I should tell you something else. I've been this way since junior high school. In junior high school I decided that since I have trouble talking to real people, I should talk to fake people. And since I'm not happy with myself, I should be someone else. So that's what I do and that's what I've done. I've been a few different people in the privacy of my bedroom. I've created backstories for them, and names, and talents, and interests, and friends, and lovers, and so on. This is another reason why knowing who I am is so impossible. I've spent so much time creating these people who I am not, that I've spent little time learning about myself. When reality gets to real, I retreat back into my fake world where I'm accepted, because I'm in full control of what my fake relations think about me. Not only are my fake selves accepted, but they are loved and have been in love. Two things I have yet to experience in my real world. But the feelings feel so real in my fake world that I can't leave it and it's driving me mad.

In high school I was in therapy. I stopped going because I was so unmotivated to do anything that I didn't even want to bother leaving my house to go. I need to start going again. I need to pull myself up by the boot straps and make a real life for myself. I'm horrified that this will never happen. I'm still young, but I'm starting to realize more and more how short life is.

So there. If you got through all of that, thanks for taking the time, judge me as you wish. Maybe reading this has at least made you feel better about yourself. I gotta go to bed.

I can't believe I'm going to save this entry. What the fuck.