Last night, 2 girls hooked up on The 5th wheel. They were both really really hot. I was so happy. I don't know why. I love the cock. But they were both exceptions to the rule. Yowsahs.
I am so frustrated. I finally found a job I was almost positive I was going to get...working at Dunbar Armored (basically a large safe that looks like a prison, only MORE secure). I have so much cash experience, and they said they needed tellers immediately, but then...I hop on a bus this morning bright and early, end up still having to walk another 3/4 mile to get to the place, and the lady says "We're taking applications at this time, but that's all we're doing." I'm hating life right now. She didn't even schedule an interview and I doubt she'll call, even though I typed up a resume, and looked professional, and have like 5 years of cash-counting experience. She just didn't seem very friendly. Fuck her. I then had to wait another hour for the bus to come around again. We have a really good bus system in Richmond, but this place is out of the city, so the bus only comes every once and a while. It sucked. I sat at the busstop, smoked all of my cigarettes, got honked at 19 times over the course of one hour (yes, I counted), and was offered rides by 2 old men, one rednecky truck driver, and two sorta hotties. Each time, I just pointed to the busstop sign directly northeast of me, and took another drag on my cigarette. It was hot as balls outside, and there was no bench at this particular busstop, so I had to sit on a grassy stoop, whilst yellowjackets swarmed around me, and garbage sat (inanimately, of course) around me.
I have to find a job. If I don't find a job this weekend, then I'm going to the Richmond Job Commission thingy so they can set me up with some interviews somewhere or whatever it is they do. I type 85 wpm, and have over 3 years of college. WHY the HELL am I having such a hard time finding a fricking job??
Last night we sat around, had a few beers and listened to music. (I won't say who because I think it's wrong to use names in negative stories, esp since I do care about this person in some way) I think he might be starting to get weird on me. I truly make myself sick. Last night I realized that I'm ruined. I lay there, sickened. Such a nice guy, a good friend of mine. I was sickened. I get grossed out at the thought of someone liking me. It's been happening ever since Bryan. Like, not just "aww, shucks, there goes the challenge." It's not like THAT at all. I seriously get grossed out. It doesn't matter who. I didn't realize that that's what it was until last night. When we were "snuggling", nothing was wrong. There was nothing he could have been doing wrong. But...I felt sick. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to just make him disappear. Nothing feels real. Nothing feels right...however innocent, however much I like the person (or should). I mean, it isn't like this every time...just most of the time. I don't understand what's wrong with me...I love guys...LOVE them...there's just something nauseating about having them hold me, and mean it. I'm not exaggerating either. It feels unnatural. I feel like if I had an arial view of myself being spooned, I would vomit. Not in an "aww, that's so cute" way, but in a "What happened to me? Who am I?" way.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I want to get close to someone, I'm open to it...(or at least I think I am), but I can't get myself to feel comfortable, or not completely disgusted by human attachment. Help me.
I don't depress easily, but this realization is certainly making me feel kind of hopeless.
Might go out to Godfrey's tonight with Raquel...it's supposedly chock full of adorable emo boys on Fridays. Listen to me...I told you, I'm boy crazy...the chasing has never been a problem. I can't really afford to go, but it's worth the 3 dollar cover, 3 beer buzz, and a jillion cute emo boys to eye. I think it might improve my mood, though I doubt it will solve my problem.
I can't wait until the first couple weeks of July. I get to see both of my favorite Mikes. Mike Maniac is coming to Richmond with DCD, so I'll get to see him for at least a day. It feels like I haven't seen him in such a long time. He seems kind of down right now...and so am I, so we better somehow at least gather up enough positive energy between us for one good hug. The following weekend, I'm going to visit Mikey D. in Ohio, and he's got a ridiculous amount of cool stuff planned...Cedar Point, Lollapalooza...good stuff...So, that's SOMETHING to look forward to, right? Right??!!
"I'm writing this to say, in a gentle way, thank you, but NO. I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die, alone." -Morrissey
I am so frustrated. I finally found a job I was almost positive I was going to get...working at Dunbar Armored (basically a large safe that looks like a prison, only MORE secure). I have so much cash experience, and they said they needed tellers immediately, but then...I hop on a bus this morning bright and early, end up still having to walk another 3/4 mile to get to the place, and the lady says "We're taking applications at this time, but that's all we're doing." I'm hating life right now. She didn't even schedule an interview and I doubt she'll call, even though I typed up a resume, and looked professional, and have like 5 years of cash-counting experience. She just didn't seem very friendly. Fuck her. I then had to wait another hour for the bus to come around again. We have a really good bus system in Richmond, but this place is out of the city, so the bus only comes every once and a while. It sucked. I sat at the busstop, smoked all of my cigarettes, got honked at 19 times over the course of one hour (yes, I counted), and was offered rides by 2 old men, one rednecky truck driver, and two sorta hotties. Each time, I just pointed to the busstop sign directly northeast of me, and took another drag on my cigarette. It was hot as balls outside, and there was no bench at this particular busstop, so I had to sit on a grassy stoop, whilst yellowjackets swarmed around me, and garbage sat (inanimately, of course) around me.
I have to find a job. If I don't find a job this weekend, then I'm going to the Richmond Job Commission thingy so they can set me up with some interviews somewhere or whatever it is they do. I type 85 wpm, and have over 3 years of college. WHY the HELL am I having such a hard time finding a fricking job??
Last night we sat around, had a few beers and listened to music. (I won't say who because I think it's wrong to use names in negative stories, esp since I do care about this person in some way) I think he might be starting to get weird on me. I truly make myself sick. Last night I realized that I'm ruined. I lay there, sickened. Such a nice guy, a good friend of mine. I was sickened. I get grossed out at the thought of someone liking me. It's been happening ever since Bryan. Like, not just "aww, shucks, there goes the challenge." It's not like THAT at all. I seriously get grossed out. It doesn't matter who. I didn't realize that that's what it was until last night. When we were "snuggling", nothing was wrong. There was nothing he could have been doing wrong. But...I felt sick. There was nothing I wanted more than to be able to just make him disappear. Nothing feels real. Nothing feels right...however innocent, however much I like the person (or should). I mean, it isn't like this every time...just most of the time. I don't understand what's wrong with me...I love guys...LOVE them...there's just something nauseating about having them hold me, and mean it. I'm not exaggerating either. It feels unnatural. I feel like if I had an arial view of myself being spooned, I would vomit. Not in an "aww, that's so cute" way, but in a "What happened to me? Who am I?" way.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I want to get close to someone, I'm open to it...(or at least I think I am), but I can't get myself to feel comfortable, or not completely disgusted by human attachment. Help me.
I don't depress easily, but this realization is certainly making me feel kind of hopeless.
Might go out to Godfrey's tonight with Raquel...it's supposedly chock full of adorable emo boys on Fridays. Listen to me...I told you, I'm boy crazy...the chasing has never been a problem. I can't really afford to go, but it's worth the 3 dollar cover, 3 beer buzz, and a jillion cute emo boys to eye. I think it might improve my mood, though I doubt it will solve my problem.
I can't wait until the first couple weeks of July. I get to see both of my favorite Mikes. Mike Maniac is coming to Richmond with DCD, so I'll get to see him for at least a day. It feels like I haven't seen him in such a long time. He seems kind of down right now...and so am I, so we better somehow at least gather up enough positive energy between us for one good hug. The following weekend, I'm going to visit Mikey D. in Ohio, and he's got a ridiculous amount of cool stuff planned...Cedar Point, Lollapalooza...good stuff...So, that's SOMETHING to look forward to, right? Right??!!
"I'm writing this to say, in a gentle way, thank you, but NO. I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die, alone." -Morrissey
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Yeah, I know what yr going thru about the looking for a job thing. The job market out there totally sucks ass! I was in the same position yr in not too long ago. Yeah, and it can get rather derpessing! I was lucky enough that I had a few friends from the place I was laid off from that we all gave each other support & saw each other about once a week & went job hunting & that kinda stuff. It definitely helped raise our spirits at least. Sometimes we just got together to go out to eat & chit chat & that was even alot of help just to have that moral support there. And it suxx as it seems alot of those temp agencies / placement agencies... have a monopoly over all the good jobs. I was VERY lucky that my former employer called me back... otherwise I'm sure I'd be in the same position you are in! Hang in there though... something will come. Just be patient!!! And of course have a ton of fun while yr not working... I sure as hell did!!!
And do u ever feel like yr living life vicariously thru some of yr fellow SG members lives? I sure as hell do... but am not sure if thats a good thing! I'm so addicted to this site!!! Even more so than I was not too long ago! Hmmm.. I wonder why???
And Tryst... dont forget my trip to VA next Friday!!! I cant wait to see ya!!! Its gonna be a good time hanging out w/ u for sure!!! And of course seeing Raquel too!!! And yeah... yr weekend visit to Ohio in July is gonna be so much fun. Yup, Cedar Point... Lollapalooza (we have 8th row seats) & who knows what else!!! I'm already looking forward to all those good times!!!
TRYST ROCKS MY WORLD!!!
If you don't get a job soon, you can come live in my treehouse and pursue the dream of being a starving artist...