It's Tuesday. The pain in my bowels is something as awful as when I was first diagnosed. Maybe a relapse? Maybe the medication isn't working anymore. Either way, I am trying to keep my composure.
I wish people around me would stop fighting. And it's not the interactive fighting. If that makes sense. They are all brooding with discontent and tension, only exchanging words for each other under their breath. And the only other person hearing those words is me. Thank you to my lovely family for plaguing me with your afterthoughts and negative comments meant for others but laid upon my weary ears to deal with. Do I not have the right to not have to hear these things everyday? Do I not have the right to go one day without pretending that I cannot hear these words and see these actions?
I am tired and weak.
How do I deal with these problems? They are not my fights, yet I am forced in between. They are not words for me but I am forced to take the brunt. They are not my feelings but I am forced to pick a side. These are none of my responsibilities but all of my burdens.
God, please give me the strength to see the day when this all stops.
I wish people around me would stop fighting. And it's not the interactive fighting. If that makes sense. They are all brooding with discontent and tension, only exchanging words for each other under their breath. And the only other person hearing those words is me. Thank you to my lovely family for plaguing me with your afterthoughts and negative comments meant for others but laid upon my weary ears to deal with. Do I not have the right to not have to hear these things everyday? Do I not have the right to go one day without pretending that I cannot hear these words and see these actions?
I am tired and weak.
How do I deal with these problems? They are not my fights, yet I am forced in between. They are not words for me but I am forced to take the brunt. They are not my feelings but I am forced to pick a side. These are none of my responsibilities but all of my burdens.
God, please give me the strength to see the day when this all stops.
You are a very strong person. A lot stronger than me. I fold and fuck up when I am under pressure. I say and do stupid things and feel sorry for myself. Everyone knows that. You somehow manage to deal and keep an optimistic nature that I have always admired. I wish I could be more like that.
I know that times are difficult for you family-wise. That is something you cannot control and something you should not let burden your soul. These people obviously cannot see how much it bothers you... so what you must do is know that you are better than the situation and you do not (and are not) apart of it. Things change and you will not always be obligated to live within the same walls. You will move on to bigger and better things. I know.
God is with you always... that sounds retarded to some people but I really believe it. Obviously you have done a lot with your life despite your illness. You have not let it stand in your way. And that is strength. That is a gift.
You know I really care about you and your well-being. I hope this comment didn't sound too preachy or something. I don't know. You know you always have a friend in me. I don't have to keep reminding you of that. You can talk to me if you ever want to.
That's what friends are for.
Take care. Feel better.
are you sick?