trouble_

Things are going well and at the same time they are not.
I am finishing college, with honours. I am following through with the plan.
I've been accepted to the university that I have always worked towards.
I am organizing the next years of my life so that I can get exactly what I want.
But is this what life is? I feel all I do is try to continuously prove my worth as an intellectual.
And in essence that is wonderful, but in practice I struggle to find the significance.
Maybe I am just worried. Which is understandable. Maybe I am just tired. Which is also understandable.
I feel so distant from everyone. So overwhelmed and consumed by my studies.
I can no longer grasp who I am and what my motivations are.
This semester has brought me tons of opportunities to study what I am interested in,
to enlighten myself in areas that I long to understand.
I did not take that opportunity.
What I long to understand, what I truly need to face is outside of my capability to aproach and deal with.
Through hours of research and analysis I have done nothing to improve my situation.
Maybe that was when I realized that I had lost me.
When I realized that my choices were geared towards grades. What can I do and do good and easily to get those marks that will somehow legitimize my pathetic preoccupations?
For this I am ashamed.
And for much more.
I need to address the core issues soon or I will not last.
I want so much more than a degree. I want a purpose. I want a self.