trouble_

Is it wrong for me to miss him?
That he's constantly on my mind.
That the little things he does make me smile,
for days afterwards.
Is it wrong for me to long for him?
To anticipate each encounter,
fantasizing in the mean time.
Wishing time would go by faster.
Is it wrong that I trust him?
That I'm not afraid,
completely open,
too very willing.

I won't be typical. I won't say that if this is wrong, I don't want to be right. I want this to be right. For once, I don't want to desire something that is going to hurt me. Something that should never have begun. I'm tired of doing this to myself. To those around me, who have to watch me tumble down again.
Y'know when you try so hard to keep things light and feathery that the anticipation for something more just makes it look so much more desirable?
I'm not saying I'm there yet.
I'm not saying that I need more at this point.
I'm just saying that there's something.
But there's always something.
And something is never a reason to pursue nothing.
I always leave there feeling like I should have done something more.
Something to show him that I care.
Even to touch his hand. Or stroke his hair.
But I freeze.
And everything goes by so fast.
And then I'm on the metro home.
And I have no idea what happened,
no idea where we stand.
No idea.

Alas, there's something in this confusion that makes it all so much sweeter.
I dare say I may drag it out. Just to avoid one end or the other.
There is no reason to justify this,
I like it, and it feels good, and I won't stop.