tritone

In penance for utterly forgetting Saint Patrick's Day this year, I give you Previously Recorded:

"Yeah, hi, Patrick? It's Jesus. Listen, next week is the anniversary of my death and resurrection, and I don't want to be a bitch, but...oh, I'll just come out and say it: I don't like sharing. Look, you can take this Saturday if you want. Patrick?"

"Benny! Baby, Popester, it's me, Jesus. Hey, I know you know what's going on this month, am I right? Of course. About that though: we're nudging right up against Saint Patrick's Day this year, and it's just that two parties in one week is going to seem a little tacky, so I was thinking that we'd bump Patty up a week so that -- Oh, it's not a big deal, he'll get over it -- Well so what if it's about me, I'm Jesus fucking Christ, for God's sake! -- Don't you try growing a spine with me, Ben; you couldn't say no to the Nazi Youth and we both know there's no way you're going to stand up to the Son of God now. Just get it done. Oh and Ben? Fucking do something about the bags under your eyes; I'm the one who rose from the dead, remember? *click*"

Call records on St. Patrick's Day after bar hours show Jesus drunk dialing many notables celebrities including Judas Iscariot, Mary Magdalene, and Gene Simmons. The contents of these conversations have yet to be revealed.