Once again a lot of water has passed under the brigde since last I wrote. I have passed the basic soldier training with good grades, turned twenty-five, realized I liked it and fallen in love with a cadette who is moving 400 km away in three days. Lots of good things, some not so good things.
At the moment I am at my dad's place back home, for the first time since February. My sister graduated from high school yesterday, and family is arriving tonight to celebrate. My thoughts keep trailing back to the lodging where C, my handsome cadette, is having his examination party tonight.
It feels odd to be "almost not single" again. We only started going out this week for real, but things have been surprisingly smooth and we get along really great. He asked me out on Tuesday - which must probably count as the first real "date" I have ever been on - and expecting a beer and some fumbled attempts at groping I was surprised to find that he had made crme brul and rum marinated strawberries with basil for me. The conversation I had feared would be strained flowed like creeks down a mountainside and it wasn't long until I realized I didn't want to go home.
We spent basically every moment together for the rest of the week. Come Friday and I was so exhausted from lack of sleep I hardly remebered my own name. All I kept thinking of was his warm skin, his constant smile and the tenderness in his eyes whenever he looked at me. The goofy grin, the intelligence in his eyes and the air of action that swarmed around him, an air that after a row of boyfriends in the computer field and a life full of hours in front of the screen feels intruigingly tempting. I have always wanted a partner who I could go hiking with, biking with, compete with in something. I would love to be sparring against him durign the day and tehn lean back and fall asleep in his strong and warm arms.
But he is moving away now. We had three days together. Now I don't know what I dare to feel, I don't know what I want to feel and I am afraid that I will be fooling myself into feeling things I don't feel. We can't really talk on the phone either, we don't know enough about eachother yet and there is too much unsaid, too many silent words for the conversation to stumble upon.
But I want to be with him. God, I want to be with him.
This is something that I learned after time, after holding myself back and pushing myself forward, after hating someone for the wrong reasons and loving them for the right ones. I think at 30 I finally realize what they mean when they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, something I held myself away from for far to long in my life. (And now I'm a spinster, teehee)
Anyways live it up, we get one trip on this rock and if it's a life lesson you get, at least you get to have fun learning it.