The weekend sucked.
I guess I shouldn't really complain, I have a decent life, but sometimes I get so down about really dumb things.
For starters, I am the only female in the house. I live with 3 guys, and my little guy Gavin... so four technically. I thought my cat was a girl, so I had "her" at least... but I found out she is actually a he. Talk about depressing. Anyways... being the only girl gets really stressful.. I am the only one who cleans, and the only one who cares that the place is clean.. ugh. My boyfriend, Mark, is a really great guy... I really have no right to complain, he takes care of me and Gavin, and loves me more than anyone I have ever known... however, lately I am just tired of him and our relationship. I feel like he holds me back. He has way too much control over me, and it scares the shit out of me... he tells me where I can and cannot go, work, or do. (not allowed to work in the porn store, or model nude) He says he has my best interest in mind, but I really feel secluded in this house of guys. They aren't even intersting guys... they are huge dorks. I don't have any outlet, and the one I want to have I am not allowed to. I haven't been this tied down since I was pregnant. I really was looking foward to doing the suicidegirls thing... and he was even the one encouraging me to do it at the begining .... but then when i got accepted he changed his perspective. now I am a "slut" because I want to do it. I never get to leave the house alone.. there is ALWAYS someone with me... and anytime Mark and I try to leave the house, Shawn (roomate #1) has to tag along... Its very, very annoying.
Nextly, I have nothing to do during the days. I don't work, and Gavin is in daycare (doctors reccomendation for his speech development). I spend most of my time at the beach, or cleaning the house.. but it would be nice to do something productive. I am gonna apply at some hospitals in the area, and see about working. But the thing about me and work is... I hate it. I know nobody really likes it, but I really don't like it at all. In my eyes work should be something fun and exciting, something that gives you a reasson to want to come back the next day. Thats why I always quit my jobs, I am always bored stifless at them. So, I decided if I was doing something I loved, I wouldn't quit. I got to thinking about the things I like, and put two and two together, and realized that I would make an EXCELLENT counter person at the porn shop. I was gonna fill out an app, but Mark told me not to waste my time, cause he doesn't want me working there. I guess I kinda sorta understand his POV, but I think I should be allowed to do what I want to do. I guess I am just really getting tired of him telling me how to live my life... he isn't my husband, nor is he my father. so he pays my car payment... that doesn't give him the right to make me his puppet.
I wish I lived on a boat
sorry, I am venting.
I guess I shouldn't really complain, I have a decent life, but sometimes I get so down about really dumb things.
For starters, I am the only female in the house. I live with 3 guys, and my little guy Gavin... so four technically. I thought my cat was a girl, so I had "her" at least... but I found out she is actually a he. Talk about depressing. Anyways... being the only girl gets really stressful.. I am the only one who cleans, and the only one who cares that the place is clean.. ugh. My boyfriend, Mark, is a really great guy... I really have no right to complain, he takes care of me and Gavin, and loves me more than anyone I have ever known... however, lately I am just tired of him and our relationship. I feel like he holds me back. He has way too much control over me, and it scares the shit out of me... he tells me where I can and cannot go, work, or do. (not allowed to work in the porn store, or model nude) He says he has my best interest in mind, but I really feel secluded in this house of guys. They aren't even intersting guys... they are huge dorks. I don't have any outlet, and the one I want to have I am not allowed to. I haven't been this tied down since I was pregnant. I really was looking foward to doing the suicidegirls thing... and he was even the one encouraging me to do it at the begining .... but then when i got accepted he changed his perspective. now I am a "slut" because I want to do it. I never get to leave the house alone.. there is ALWAYS someone with me... and anytime Mark and I try to leave the house, Shawn (roomate #1) has to tag along... Its very, very annoying.
Nextly, I have nothing to do during the days. I don't work, and Gavin is in daycare (doctors reccomendation for his speech development). I spend most of my time at the beach, or cleaning the house.. but it would be nice to do something productive. I am gonna apply at some hospitals in the area, and see about working. But the thing about me and work is... I hate it. I know nobody really likes it, but I really don't like it at all. In my eyes work should be something fun and exciting, something that gives you a reasson to want to come back the next day. Thats why I always quit my jobs, I am always bored stifless at them. So, I decided if I was doing something I loved, I wouldn't quit. I got to thinking about the things I like, and put two and two together, and realized that I would make an EXCELLENT counter person at the porn shop. I was gonna fill out an app, but Mark told me not to waste my time, cause he doesn't want me working there. I guess I kinda sorta understand his POV, but I think I should be allowed to do what I want to do. I guess I am just really getting tired of him telling me how to live my life... he isn't my husband, nor is he my father. so he pays my car payment... that doesn't give him the right to make me his puppet.
I wish I lived on a boat
sorry, I am venting.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
I hope that you eventually get what you're going after. Nothing is worse than feeling like you're trapped, bored, and just spinning your wheels.
Thanks for pouring out your mind and ranting. plissken77 was definitely right when saying that's what a journal is about. Rant away, even if your fingers start to hurt