What a miserable fucking night. John is mad at me, and for what? Who the fuck knows? He certainly won't tell me. He gives me little stupid clips and expects me to figure it out. At dinner he barely spoke to me, asked me one stupid fucking question and then when back to ignoring me while chatting it up with everyone else. Now I'm sitting here just crying my eyeballs out because I don't understand how 'friends' do this to other friends. He hasn't called, he hasn't stopped by, he just goes about his business as if I don't even exist. How can people do that? How come, when you love people with everything you've got, people still turn and shit on you?
I don't understand.
I actually don't much think I'm cut out for this world. I have this feeling sometimes, it comes and goes but nudges at me, that I'm not going to live very much longer. I'm not talking days or weeks, years is what I mean. That's not a suicidal ideation, so don't freak out. This world is just too much for me. People can't control their fear or their responses to their fear. There are too many tall buildings and concrete blocks, too much smog and too much darkness. No one understands the simple truths, to give up this separation bullshit that we have taken. We are ALL one. People lie, people cheat and steal, and people should just fucking be honest. Why can't people just be honest? What, you afraid you might get your little feelings hurt? Yeah, that's exactly what will fucking happen, so grow the hell up and get over it. Then guess what? It won't hurt so bad next time. And, sometimes, believe it or not, being honest actually cancels out the chance that you will get your feelings hurt.
I'm so fucking sick of fear. I'm sick of this world.
I dream of a place of rolling fields and trees and mountains where I can lie with my face in the grass and just breathe in the smell of the earth. The sun would be on my back, warm and relaxing, while huge white clouds drifted by lazily. This is where I need to be, so badly, right now, and that place is so far away that I feel like I might just collapse with a bottle of little while Lorazepam pills in my hand. We all fear death, as if death could possibly be any worse than life. Worse than this pathetic human drama we produce. And don't sit there saying, "I know, I hate the drama too" because you play into it as much as the rest of us. We cheat and lie, and hide our feelings and create expectations that only later leave us feeling disappointed. And what do we do? We wake up the next morning and do it again.
How do you make it work? How do you grab the world by its shoulders, shake it, and scream at it? How do you tell people that their insecurities are meaningless, that we ARE ALL of us insecure and that if we could just be honest, god, it would all just drift away.
I'm so tired of the loneliness. There are thousands of people here, surrounding me, closing in on me, and I'm suffocating while I drown in loneliness.
What of courage? Where is that? Don't be mistaken, courage is not a lack of fear. No one fears nothing. Courage is doing the deed regardless of your fear. That's why it's so commendable. No one would think you're special if you did something because you had no fear at all; anyone could do it then.
I don't understand.
I actually don't much think I'm cut out for this world. I have this feeling sometimes, it comes and goes but nudges at me, that I'm not going to live very much longer. I'm not talking days or weeks, years is what I mean. That's not a suicidal ideation, so don't freak out. This world is just too much for me. People can't control their fear or their responses to their fear. There are too many tall buildings and concrete blocks, too much smog and too much darkness. No one understands the simple truths, to give up this separation bullshit that we have taken. We are ALL one. People lie, people cheat and steal, and people should just fucking be honest. Why can't people just be honest? What, you afraid you might get your little feelings hurt? Yeah, that's exactly what will fucking happen, so grow the hell up and get over it. Then guess what? It won't hurt so bad next time. And, sometimes, believe it or not, being honest actually cancels out the chance that you will get your feelings hurt.
I'm so fucking sick of fear. I'm sick of this world.
I dream of a place of rolling fields and trees and mountains where I can lie with my face in the grass and just breathe in the smell of the earth. The sun would be on my back, warm and relaxing, while huge white clouds drifted by lazily. This is where I need to be, so badly, right now, and that place is so far away that I feel like I might just collapse with a bottle of little while Lorazepam pills in my hand. We all fear death, as if death could possibly be any worse than life. Worse than this pathetic human drama we produce. And don't sit there saying, "I know, I hate the drama too" because you play into it as much as the rest of us. We cheat and lie, and hide our feelings and create expectations that only later leave us feeling disappointed. And what do we do? We wake up the next morning and do it again.
How do you make it work? How do you grab the world by its shoulders, shake it, and scream at it? How do you tell people that their insecurities are meaningless, that we ARE ALL of us insecure and that if we could just be honest, god, it would all just drift away.
I'm so tired of the loneliness. There are thousands of people here, surrounding me, closing in on me, and I'm suffocating while I drown in loneliness.
What of courage? Where is that? Don't be mistaken, courage is not a lack of fear. No one fears nothing. Courage is doing the deed regardless of your fear. That's why it's so commendable. No one would think you're special if you did something because you had no fear at all; anyone could do it then.